Mozza (6) + List of success stories

[Mozza]

Welcome back, 25yearsmlc! I hope you had a good time. We're glad to see you around.

Regarding the school, it's a matter of cultural differences. Imagine British in-laws who believe that all US elementary schools are crap, the accent is wrong, and the language is trashy. I don't try too hard to make sense of it. My W goes to see her parents over the holidays, so I expect the topic to come up again when she's back or even before.

I thought you said your w had an affair before this one. (My memory for these important details is failing me at the moment--I was up traveling too late, my apologies).

Yes, in 2009 she had an EA then short PA with a coworker. He was married with kids but told her he was crazy in love with her and would divorce. She almost left me (and D6 who was D1 at the time). She confessed and I forgave her. Four years later, he met her briefly and said he was still in love. She thought he was pathetic.

IF this is not the first affair, then maybe she's not in the group of wives who were
"missing an element INSIDE the Marriage",

and more in the group of wives for whom there is an essential element missing in THEM

What do you think?

I think it's both.

I recognize my shortcomings in the M. My W complained to me, in writing in April, about me being a factor in her unhappiness. She told me that she didn't look forward to my return from business trips, that she wasn't thrilled to come back home, etc. She felt she couldn't be herself, she was too criticized,, she was walking on eggshells, that I love the person I want her to be not who she is, etc. She'd observed that I would cuddle the kids and not her. I didn't react well to this, mostly telling her she was wrong and ignoring it. I took her for granted and didn't address these issues quickly. She felt abandoned emotionally. I'm ashamed of this and I now see an IC, I read books and I'm here to learn to be better. This S has changed me and I want the changes to last, if only for my own good.

My W also has unrealistic expectations of love. She thinks that everlasting romantic, exciting love exists. She's very influenced by TV and movies (Love Actually, Sex and the City, Gossip Girl, etc.) and wishes she could love and be loved like this forever. I can tell you that after two pregnancies, with two young kids, periods of unemployment, joint accounts and credit cards, it was not movie-like romantic. She left me to gun for the eternal high. I asked her when she left if she thought that high would last forever (didn't know about OM then) and she said "yes". That's her in a nutshell.

That's why I see hope in my sitch: my W can only be disappointed by OM. The fact that they move in together is actually a good thing because it will normalize their R, bring in routine rather than excitement (they work together in a small place, so it'll be 24/7). Also, our issues are solvable and I was a good H in many other ways, something she acknowledged several times, even during the BD talks. Love was just not exciting enough and I was criticizing her too much. Hopefully, she'll come back to test the waters and see if real, lasting change is possible.

So, all in all, do I keep my distances or do I engage her when she initiates contact? She's still with OM and he's moving in in January.

[bravo61]

Mozza,
I have to say I'm impressed at how upbeat & positive you are. If nothing else, that will definitely take you far in life.

[LisaB]

Hi Mozza, I hope someone smart answers your question.

In my opinion, at this time distant friendliness - aka neighbor - is probably best.

If your W has you as a buddy she won't need to miss you. She can have her "romantic love" with the OM and still keep you around to chat with over email or whatever.

I say cut out the buddy stuff. People told me this for a long time but I didn't listen. I finally did it and I feel better! I'm not enabling him to have his fantasy life AND me too. My situation is similar to yours in that my WAH is searching for that consuming romantic crush obsession love feeling which is unrealistic in a long term healthy relationship. He is discovering this but is he coming back to me? No. He keeps me as a buddy and continues his search. Don't make my mistake, protect yourself and give her a chance to miss you.

Of course be polite and cordial when you see her - be friendly. But don't be friends!

Stuff like "hi! nice to see you. how are you? that's great! got to run!"
Not "I saw this on TV and isn't it hilarious? ha ha ha" or "let's have lunch together next week!"

Sometimes I imagine it like I have a new boyfriend and he doesn't want me to engage with the ex. So I be polite but cut it short.

That's my advice, but maybe someone else has a better idea.

Hugs, Lisa

[Mozza]

The question came up again today. W sent me a video of her Christmas office party. It's password-protected (she included it), not public.

In the video (all in slow-motion), you see W being thrown up in the air, in slow-motion, by two male colleagues and having a good laugh at it. In other images, you see her OM having fun and being funny with huge smiles.

What. The. F...

What is she thinking? Why would she send me a video of her office, after telling me it had been a factor in the S (she saw that she could be happier than in the M). A video starring her OM several times. Like: really?

Perhaps she just didn't think: she thought it was funny and that I would be interested. That's most likely, knowing her. Perhaps she wanted to get a reaction out of me. Perhaps she wanted to tell me it's really over and she's moving on.

I know I'm supposed to detach and not care, but... but... WTF?

-----
Just in case I look angry, I'm actually very sad. I've been crying a lot since I saw the video. The 10 days of improvement have come to a halt. I see her having fun in her new life, having built a new world which occupies 99% of her mind, with a place for me as the co-parent. I see my R hopes as a joke, something that probably doesn't even cross her mind. So much for "optimistic Mozza" today.

[jim0987]

Hi Mozza,

your optimism has always been great (I wish yoou could bottle it and send me some)

your W sending you that video was just plain mean. she may not have realised but it was mean and unsurprisingly it had a negative affect.

you might want to ask her not to send that stuff or you might even want to assertively tell her that it was a mean thing to do.

most likely though i'd say your best bet is to just try and ignore them when they are sent. dont open them dont look at them (control the bit you can control)

[Maybell]

This is a crooked road and that hurtful video is one of the obstacles that keeps it so hair raising. I'm sorry.

But... Seriously? W being thrown in the air by male colleagues? They can't possibly respect her.

Hang in there. You've got this.

[Tarheel]

Perhaps she wanted to get a reaction out of me.

That's probably exactly why she sent it. She wants to 'prove' to you that she doesn't regret her decision by showing you how happy she is.

I wouldn't respond. And if she ever asks if you saw it, tell her it must have gotten lost in your inbox. Don't give her the satisfaction. Keep your head up Mozza!

[MCS]

Mozza,

Hang in there, bud.

It was a jerk move by her, obviously insensitive, but mostly I think she's trying to convince herself also that this is how she feels 100% of the time. It's obviously not or she wouldn't have thought about sending it to you in the first place. Just like my W, she's trying to convince others that this new person is who she wants to be because W is so unsure about it herself.

[okjpc]

she's trying to convince others that this new person is who she wants to be because W is so unsure about it herself.

I agree.

I wouldn't respond. And if she ever asks if you saw it, tell her it must have gotten lost in your inbox. Don't give her the satisfaction. Keep your head up Mozza!

I agree.

Hang in there. You've got this.

I agree.

most likely though i'd say your best bet is to just try and ignore them when they are sent.

And I agree. You are outclassing your W by a mile and inspiring the rest of us.

[Mozza]

This Forum delivered, once again. Thanks a lot everyone for the support. Every single word you wrote has helped. I feel better.

you might want to ask her not to send that stuff or you might even want to assertively tell her that it was a mean thing to do. most likely though i'd say your best bet is to just try and ignore them when they are sent. dont open them dont look at them (control the bit you can control)

It's the reasonable thing to do and I wish I had this self-control. I'm craving info about my W and I couldn't pass on a video of her (and OM). Something tells me I will have to detach before I can skip info about her, even though doing so would help me detach. I know I make it harder on me.

But... Seriously? W being thrown in the air by male colleagues? They can't possibly respect her.

Ha! I never thought about that. Well, it's like grad school there, with people mostly in their late 20s. It looked done in good fun, but I'll grant you that a highly respected colleague wouldn't have been treated like this. It probably just means that they see her as fun. Thanks for the original angle, I like that.

Perhaps she wanted to get a reaction out of me.

That's probably exactly why she sent it. She wants to 'prove' to you that she doesn't regret her decision by showing you how happy she is.

Interesting, I didn't think of it that way. It's likely WAS want us to see how happy they are, much like we'd like them to see our changes. I seem to recall a successful vet mentioning how his W kept on posting happy pictures on Facebook to hide her misery. Maybe the worse their lives, the more WAS want to project happiness?

I wouldn't respond. And if she ever asks if you saw it, tell her it must have gotten lost in your inbox. Don't give her the satisfaction.

I like that! I'll just pretend I never got to watching it. Remember the S&M Halloween outfit that she mentioned three times? I never reacted in the slightest.

I didn't respond by the way.

It was a jerk move by her, obviously insensitive, but mostly I think she's trying to convince herself also that this is how she feels 100% of the time. It's obviously not or she wouldn't have thought about sending it to you in the first place. Just like my W, she's trying to convince others that this new person is who she wants to be because W is so unsure about it herself.

Thanks for your encouragement. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that she wanted to present a happy front with this video. It might explain why she thought of sending it to me, which is the biggest mystery to me.

You are outclassing your W by a mile and inspiring the rest of us.

You made me tear up... You wouldn't know how important to me it is to "do the right thing". I've been amassing articles and stories on the web for years of people who dare to do the right thing in the face of hardship, of social pressure, of orders, etc. It's a major inspiration for me and to be seen as someone who does it is just very touching. It makes me feel like I'm on the right track.

Everybody: thanks for saving the evening. It's been a close call.