My wife wants a divorce, I don't. PLEASE help!!

[UpperCu]

You are hurt and your reaction is completely natural and normal. All of the LBS who come looking for forums like this start exactly where you have.

You have to make the choice to change course if you are going to win your wife back. Your pleading, begging, chasing, moping around is just going to give her confidence that she made the right choice to file.

Her momentum right now is to RUN AWAY FROM YOU. You need to back off and believe me, it WILL stop her from running. She was once attracted to you, so it is extremely likely that the freedom you give her will cause her to question her decision to file.

Remember, no decision is permanent. She can divorce you and you can get remarried. She could even stop the D process. It's not for you to control what she does though.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you played tag? Everyone just stands around until they are being chased. When they get chased, they run away, until the pursuer stops going after them. Then everyone goes back to standing around.

I have recently made all the same mistakes you have, and the best results I've seen so far have been after I stopped chasing.

[Faith20]

Hi Love,

I feel your pain, I really do. My H filed the week before thanksgiving and it nearly took the wind out of me. But here's the thing-- that feeling only lasted close to 15 minutes. Why? Because I have been working on detaching. And because, just as all of us have seen that M does not guarantee a permanent state with our spouse's, neither should D.Yes she filed, yes she has started the process. But it's nowhere near over. You still have TIME, and time, my friend, is a great gift. Go for a run, get a massage, pamper yourself. Get those endorphins flowing and try to find something positive about every day. The first few days it will be really hard. I had to leave post-its around the house to remind myself to eat or feed the dog. The shock can be paralyzing. But YOU can pull yourself out of this. It's simply a choice.

Hang in there-- it get's better, I promise. And above all, try to have faith. Faith in your M, but most importantly, faith in YOURSELF.

Many people on this site have turned their situations around after having many obstacles, including filing for D, put in front of them. Just remember: fear begets fear. Positivity begets positivity.

Have a good day! Be strong!

[sandi2]

I'm afraid there is zero chance if I detach

Okay Love, then you tell us what part of detaching will cause zero chance? You say you understand it, so tell us how exactly what you would do to cause zero chance? It is not good enough to say detaching causes it. How are you seeing that particular part of it?

Have you read Peanut's description of detaching?

[edz]

Hi

I know exactly where you are coming from but,as others have said, detaching is NOT just to work on your r its to save YOU from madness. I fought the whole process, a part of me still does (please check my various threads for my sitch).

I love and still miss my w despite having moved to another place and working my a55 off on detatching. That hasn't changed but the intense nightly pain has dulled and I'm working on a life without her temporarily (I can hope) or not but the difference is that if we do reconcile I won't be so hurt by small things and will be in a position to work on the relationship without it being needy or there being blame thrown around, likewise if it doesn't end that way when the pain and sadness subsides I'll have started the process to give a new relationship a chance without too much baggage.

Its also the truth that without me doing this there's no chance ever of her coming back to the old needy me.

I can't say dB processes will bring my w back only she can decide that but its put me in a much better position than I would be otherwise, stay the course, its a painful long slog of a road this and I think I'm probably still early in the route but I feel more human now than I did in July and possibly even before the bd date in July.

You're not alone. We all understand the gut ache this is, keep posting, keep the PMA, keep short goals and don't dwell and take care.

Edz

[love14]

Thank you for the support. Is it morbid to say that I have comfort in knowing other people are going throught the same thing??? I hope not, but it's good to know I'm not alone & habe support.

So I called her today, keep in mind she filed 4 days ago. I asked if she would consider letting me spend the night Christmas Eve (in a seperate room) so we can both be there in the morning for the kids when they wake up at 6am to open presents. I went on to say "as friends" just for the kids so they can have an enjoyable christmas. She didn't hesitste and said that sounds good.

She also went on to say that she has a hard time just forgetting the past hurt, I kept agreeing with her and said there are no good excuses for the way I made her feel. I also told her I should have respected the time she requested instead of pushing her, because I pushed her in to filing. She told me she felt like she was drowning, and hadn't had any control since our separation and just had to get some control so she filed.

So, I have a golden opportunity here with Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I know it won't happen over night, but I need to conduct myself and leave a good impression during that time, absolutely no pressure or talk about the marriage, or the changes in me etc....

I'm thinking about just acting totally normal, respectful, not needy, confident in me, be great with the kids (normally great with them anyway) and just basically be out of her way, just to show her that in not needy, klingy etc...but I'm just happy to be there with the kids and share that moment with them including her.

Hopefully it could spawn some more " family dates" and I can continue acting "as if" and showing her respect, which in turn could cause some doubt in her heart and possibly put the divorce on hold?

Is my thinking right here or am I totally out in left field?

She saw her therapist today, first time after filing for D, the therapist is appretantly totally PRO marriage so I'm hoping she can talk to her about making decisions this major while angry.

Let me know what you guys think, what advice can you guys give me for the night I'll be spending there as far as being around her, conversations, topics so stay away from etc...

Thank you.

[edz]

Hi

I don't think its morbid at all, I was really in a despairing state when I first arrived. I have no unrealistic expectations that there's a golden bullet to bring my W back then or now but being able to pop in and get advice, give some occasionally and very often have some of the great people here smack me with a 2x4 when I need it has helped as much if not more in a way than the counselling I also had.

As I said my sitch is more that my W has entered her own space bubble and occasionally floats my way or we intersect when I'm picking up S. Some things have got better mostly connected to my changes and detachment but reconciling or piecing are nowhere near coming to me yet, I'd settle for regular calls even!

So take my advice from the point I'm at and if a vet pops by here listen to them and ignore me completely

My opinion is that first and foremost I think it's great you will see the kids on Christmas Morning, my s will be with my W and her response on a suggestion like that would be "it would confuse him" - I'm having a t-shirt made up with that on it as apparently almost everything confuses him - BUT me being a downer here, be careful and this is where I encourage you to listen to those who have got to this point over me as this is opinion only.

Be there **for the kids** and enjoy them, don't focus on w and don't touch on the relationship unless you're validating.

Certainly you have a fantastic opportunity to show off PMA, 180's and validate but ensure you have absolutely *NO* other expectations at all which is for your sake. Before you go read Sandis rules and memorise them, then read them again, then again.

Be confident and PMA/180 your backside off and then when its time to go don't hang on for an invitation to stay, don't bring up "its a shame we can't hang out longer" etc avoid pursuing.

Keep that confidence exuding and be positive throughout even when you go.

I really hope you have a great day with the kids.
Edz

[love14]

Thanks I appreciate it. Obviously I'm happy to see the kids and be with them, but more so to see and be with her. I will absolutely in no way talk about anything regarding our situation, when we talk it will only be about general things, the house, kids, work etc. I will keep my attitude confident, engaging & positive without coming forward as arrogant. I do not want to give her any hints of my pain, or that I want her more than life itself, she already knows that. I just want to act "as if" everything is fine and hope that it will spawn some more family "dates". My short term hope is that she puts the divorce on hold, she felt as if she was backed in to a corner and filed, which was mostly done out of her temporary anger, since she filed I have seen her twice and her attitude has been better than the last several months. Almost like a load was lifted from her shoulders.

I don't have any expectations, I'm just very happy that I have the opportunity to be around them on that special day, who knows maybe it will be a start of something very good. Slow start but still a start! Again, I'm going to behave, no questions and no expectations!

[sandi2]

Hopefully it could spawn some more " family dates" and I can continue acting "as if" and showing her respect, which in turn could cause some doubt in her heart and possibly put the divorce on hold?

Acting as if....what?

[love14]

As if I'm fine with what her decision is, I'm only there for the kids, not pestering her anymore regarding us, for her to reconsider etc...truly not asking her those things anymore. Just swallowing it and working on trying to cope and move forward. Not fully ready to "let go" in my mind. But one of the rules you had about "as if" was to act as if everything is normal, I will do that this Christmas Eve, no questions about us or our marriage.

Sandi this is hard but believe me I am doing my best. I'm just a hair away from calling her daily, texting her and just driving home to see her but I haven't done that. It's very hard but I'm making some very very minor progress in myself.

Sandi i would love your input regarding me spending the night at home christmas eve, wife is fine with me doing so, any pointers?

[sandi2]

As if I'm fine with what her decision is, I'm only there for the kids, not pestering her anymore regarding us, for her to reconsider etc

Okay, good. The reason I asked is b/c some people use the "as if" but don't know how they are applying it.

But one of the rules you had about "as if" was to act as if everything is normal,

Actually, it says to act as if you are moving on with your life with, or without, your spouse. It may be possible to do Christmas, if you won't do certain things you would do if everything was normal (putting your arm around her, giving her a kiss, snuggling, calling her a pet name, etc.)

Sandi this is hard but believe me I am doing my best. I'm just a hair away from calling her daily, texting her and just driving home to see her but I haven't done that.

So you are making progress b/c even though you really want to do these things......you don't. That takes a lot of strength. You are doing good. Keep it up.