Do I help with it...find a appt with her, help her move, or do I leave it alone?
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
I would not help one bit. Do you want her to leave? Like starsky said, this is her journey, let her walk it. Keep the road home paved smooth and be the lighthouse!
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I'm sorry about the news. I can see how upsetting it is. My W left in September and I was crushed. But I can also say it helps my DBing and PMA. It's also a good way for them to miss us. I might be a good thing in the long run.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
Thanks Starsky, she says it is the only way that she can "find herself" and for me not to be surprised when she returns to me. But I would not be able to forgive a affair which even if it doesn't occur..will in my mind.
Wow, you're ready to dump your W because you can imagine an A that doesn't happen. Also, don't assume how you'd react to an A. I was saying the exact same thing before my W had one and yet I forgave her.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
There is no reason for her to leave, I have been nothing but caring.
For how long? You think you can erase in a few months what got her in that place? Have you seen how long the successful sitches last around here? If you're to be a better husband, you need to develop better empathy for your W. She's suffering or has suffered greatly to be able to leave her family. She didn't marry and have kids with this in mind. She's likely sad that she lost her desire for you, her will be be married to you. Every further step she takes should be an opportunity for you to measure the extent of the damage.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
I cannot believe that she would do this to me and our children, I truly hate her for it.
Don't be too self-righteous. It sounds like you're willing to do the same thing for an A you know wouldn't happen. You say that if she leaves, doesn't have an A, you wouldn't take her back. How's that taking into consideration the well-being of the kids? How's that a greater offense than the years of pain she has endured with you in the M?
And no, don't help her move out. Her choices, her consequences.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks Monzza. That was exactly what I needed on all accounts. I am a emotional roller coaster right now. And you are right on all accounts.
This helped me so much right now.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
After Christmas she stated that she wanted to seperate (again) and I said to go. She wants to move out and have some type of agreement (legal seperation) to state that she did not walk out on the family. Split kids 50 / 50 and recieve financial support from me. I make 4X what she does but if she changed jobs she would make 3/4 of what I do. She wants to do this without lawyers (as do I as I think we could handle it and save significant money).
She also states (and has repeatedly) that this is the only way that she can see if she really wants to spend the rest of her life with me (which I half believe). She also wants me to help her with this process.
My question is...I know that we are not supposed to help them and make them do the work so that they can understand the effects of thier actions but if I leave it to her she may seek legal help and I will be forced to do the same (which would be a nightmare). If she is set on this course of action is it best to facilitate it in light of the above?
As most of us, I still want it to work but am reaching the point that I do not think that ANYTHING will change her...regardless if there is a EA or PA. However should I try to confirm the PA (hire PI, investigate further) if it is occuring for future use?
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Let her do the legal heavy lifting. This "other job" that would earn her 3/4 of what you earn -- what is it? Something she is qualified for? Something she's been offered? Learn what you can about "imputing income" in your jurisdiction, and set whatever financial split of your expenses accordingly.
As for this:
Quote:
She also states (and has repeatedly) that this is the only way that she can see if she really wants to spend the rest of her life with me (which I half believe). She also wants me to help her with this process. ]
this to me strikes at the core of your problem with her stance toward you. She's made statements like this several times. The next time she does, I would say to her "i dont want a divorce, but if you think I'm going to sit here and be your Plan B while you do some sort of self-indulgent 'dress rehearsal' of our own marriage's dissolution, you're mistaken. If you want to leave I won't stop you, but I will then be moving on, with all that entails. "
She loses respect for you -- and therefore, more love -- every time you appease her with your silence to these petty little "tests" of hers.
As most of us, I still want it to work but am reaching the point that I do not think that ANYTHING will change her...regardless if there is a EA or PA. However should I try to confirm the PA (hire PI, investigate further) if it is occuring for future use?
What does your attorney say about this? Would it make a difference in any eventual divorce proceeding in your jurisdiction? Is yours a "fault" state for divorce, and can adultery be used as a cause in a divorce action?
She's made statements like this several times. The next time she does, I would say to her "i dont want a divorce, but if you think I'm going to sit here and be your Plan B while you do some sort of self-indulgent 'dress rehearsal' of our own marriage's dissolution, you're mistaken. If you want to leave I won't stop you, but I will then be moving on, with all that entails. "
-I do, but she will respond with that she wants me to find another person that can make me happier than her...and I think she truly believes it at her level.
What does your attorney say about this? Would it make a difference in any eventual divorce proceeding in your jurisdiction? Is yours a "fault" state for divorce, and can adultery be used as a cause in a divorce action?
Niether of us have attorneys nor do we want the expense. If it goes that way we are going to handle it ourselves if we can. We have a fault and no-fault clause in our state. I may be quite nieve here but I now believe that the EA was more in my head than reality.
We may start couples counceling next week...I guess that would give me some hope.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
