Had a lil R talk with H today, while laying in bed I just casually told him this would probably be our last year together. I told H we have grown far apart as H and W. Told him I wanted a R a better M, but we both have to want the same thing.
NO drama just stated my fact. Went to take a shower to get ready for my day and ..basicially ended up back in bed with H, H initated..and this time H did not run away after, stayed and even iniated round 2. I told him it was very nice, I wanted him to know that, since he did not run away after wards...but I also wanted to tell him this is NOT going to fix anything for me, but I did not say that,,,cause I don't know if it's fixing something for him...
AND I noticed I had no feelings that sex was going to fix our M, (I think when our sex life started back up I hoped it was H way of coming back) did not even read into H staying in bed holding my hand afterwards....even though this was something I had been missing and wanting,,,,
Even as I post this I still have an oh well whatever type of attitude,,I feel so very close to being just INDIFFERENT, my M is not affecting my day, H reactions or non actions dont affect my day. I'm moving farther and farther away...
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Sorry, have been away for a while so I have not chimed in:
You do keep having these R talks, has there ever been a time when you have directly asked if he would like to join you in your talks with your minister/priest/etc?
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
No.........I have not invited him nor mentioned counseling since early this year or end of last year.
I feel like if he is not ready to even talk about R then why bring up counseling... but I will think about that...
I want to ....well I'm ready for ...I think I'm more done...did not reread DR or DB as planned... my head was not into it...
I don't know where I am in regards to my M. I want to keep my focus on me and my son. I wish my H would make a decision....
I don't care what stage my H is in. I don't know what stage of LBS I'm in.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
H: What do you want for Christmas Me: US...YOU H: You know what I'm talking about Me: Yeah..that is all you can give me. If not them I'm cool H: Just tell me something and dont make it difficult Me: Really don't worry about it. I dont need anything..THANK GOD
No reply back from H..crickets
So,,I guess that means I will not be getting US for Christmas.
He made a BIG DEAL out of taking s14 and I to get christmas tree this week, but H does not really enjoy Christmas said it is now too commerical and all about gifts. I think it also brings back sad memories of his childhood and he HATES spending money. But each year since we have been together he buys a real christmas tree. He always buys and receives gifts, but he grumbles the whole time about most of the hoopla.
I almost ask for him to make a decision about our M as my gift but I guess that would not be happening either.
I did already tell him that he knows I enjoy the Holiday's and that this year he would NOT complain the whole time about money and spending. I really dont spend much,,and I ask him to tell me the budget he wants to spend on Sons and grandkids,,we always go in 1/2 and if I want to buy more I will without expecting him to go over the budet he wants to use. But still he wants me to always spend less then I want, and I usually stay within a very close range..its not about the gifts to me its about the love and spending time with family. Really we dont spend much at Christmas.
I dont need a "gift" from him, I need so much more:(
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Such a difference from last Christmas and this year in the way I feel/think/respond to my stitch. I'm soo very thankful for all the support I have gotten here, being allowed to vent, not being judged (I dont think) getting advice and support. When I first started posting here in April things were very rough for me.
Last Christmas I put on a happy face, but was hurting inside and did not even know about OW at that time, then bam found out about OW (which H swore it was never like I thought) and the ground fell out from under me.
I started to work on me, focus on me, DB (as much as I could), GAL.
I still have much work to do on ME, but just thought back to this time last year and oh my GOD is good, I feel like I have come so very far. I'm stronger....
THANKS for all your support.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I'm very happy for you. Yes, you've come a long way from last year. It's been a struggle for you, but you've made it and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm very proud of you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Now today I'm struggling with the fact that my H is still relying on me to do all the family stuff, like contacting the older kids to see what Grandkids need/want for christmas.
Being available to watch grandkids when older Stepkids need me to.
Now I don't mind it really, just hate that H acts like it my job to do it. I mean really, you don't want to be married to me, wear the ring I gave you, honor our marriage vows,,but when you need me to be your wife its all good for you.
Pick up your meds, Give you some meds, (when you in pain and cannot get out of bed) Iron clothes for work (when you too tired to iron yourself or running late) Tell S14 you said this or that (instead of tell him yourself,,why cause you all ways at work) Coordiate your life (cause you too busy working to do anything else) Keep asking me what I want for Christmas (when its clear it will only be a material gift) Asking me where you going, did you see I call you x amount of times, why did you not answer..
Ok I'm spinning, cause last year this time I would have loved for him to be asking me to do anything,,,now its on my last nerve, casue I feel like "if you don't want to be my H in every since of the word" then STOP using me/relying on my to be your "wife" when you need me to be.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
If he acts like he doesn't want to be your husband, then stop doing things for him. Give him a taste of what it's like when the wife is not on the job. He needs to learn to appreciate you and he can't when you are still continuing to do things for him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with Job. I am the same as you and we make it all way too easy for them. I also share your feelings. Try pulling back on doing some things for him, like picking up his meds or doing his ironing. He's a big boy, he can do it I figure, if we continue to treat them as if we are in a normal marriage and continue to not expect anything in return, why would they need to look inside themselves for any change? I say stop doing so much for him, just say you are busy or got sidetracked and forgot, doesn't need to be mean, and he can actually see what it may be like to take care of himself. It's hard because our H live at home. It's really hard to create that balance.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I figure, if we continue to treat them as if we are in a normal marriage and continue to not expect anything in return, why would they need to look inside themselves for any change? I say stop doing so much for him, just say you are busy or got sidetracked and forgot, doesn't need to be mean, and he can actually see what it may be like to take care of himself. It's hard because our H live at home. It's really hard to create that balance.