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A Message from Michele
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Re: Walk away Wife having affair [Re: Hurt06] #2515906
12/10/14 04:46 PM
12/10/14 04:46 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,852
UK
V
Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,852
UK
vets extra advice please. Should this be in newcomers?

It would be helpful to put some of this in your strap at the bottom of your profile in my stuff. You are probably on moderation so your posts take some time. Find a couple of like minded posts and ask a question, choose a poster who is two to three months ahead of you. Your strap lines will appear in your post.

I think that It is time to lay down some boundaries about OM coming to your home and being near to your children in your domain. You pay the bills on the home she lives in.?
In what ways do you feel you are empowering or enabling the affair. This may be the first places to look to seek action. To do a 180.

Please read Sandis 37 guidelines in newcomers and start looking at detachment.
This is a really hard time, I understand but you will resolve this and make steps forward by practicing DB.

Peace

Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/10/14 04:48 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Walk away Wife having affair [Re: Vanilla] #2515916
12/10/14 05:04 PM
12/10/14 05:04 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
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edz Offline
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edz  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
Hi Hurt, sorry you're joining us here but there are a lot of great people who can help you help yourself.

Following on from Vanillas posting, if you go to the "my stuff" option and edit profile you can put your tag information in there so it gets added to each post you make.

Hang on in there..


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Re: Walk away Wife having affair [Re: Hurt06] #2516737
12/12/14 07:13 PM
12/12/14 07:13 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Hurt06  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
OM is pursuing my wife hard...sending her daily love songs and referrals to Divorce Attys in our area that he is associated with...it's just completely out of control and obviously out of my control.....trying to disconnect any sanity advice?


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Re: Walk away Wife having affair [Re: edz] #2517180
12/14/14 05:05 PM
12/14/14 05:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
H
Hurt06 Offline OP
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Hurt06  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
How do I get the images out of my head?

I take 4-5 showers a day trying to get my skin to stop crawling

What's the best way to get past all this?


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Re: Walk away Wife having affair [Re: Hurt06] #2517453
12/15/14 04:56 PM
12/15/14 04:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
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gaveup Offline
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gaveup  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Time is the only way to get past it all. One thing I would warn about is don't worry so much about your wife, but worry about your kids. I got lucky and I still have my kids to this day because I saw what had happened to other men in my family, my wife chose another man over me, so I chose my kids over her. Now she is more miserable than you could ever imagine because she thought I would just let them go. I found out I could live without my wife, but I was not going to lose my kids too.

Re: Walk away Wife having affair [Re: Hurt06] #2517492
12/15/14 07:21 PM
12/15/14 07:21 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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Mozza Offline
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Originally Posted By: Hurt06
How do I get the images out of my head?

I take 4-5 showers a day trying to get my skin to stop crawling

What's the best way to get past all this?
Time. I've had the same, including nightmares. Two months after I confirmed OM, I can say that it doesn't wake me up at night anymore.

Also, if she could move out, it would help you. It seems a reasonable boundary: "If you want to have an A with OM, you can't be living here at my expenses." It stops you from thinking about it and it stops it from happening under your roof. It also confronts her to her decisions.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Walk away Wife having affair [Re: Mozza] #2517816
12/16/14 05:58 PM
12/16/14 05:58 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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AJM  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Time and effort if you ask me. I took time and made the effort for the boundaries. To let the anger go. To let the creepiness go.

You need to accept that what is - is. It's not what you wanted, nor necessarily expected. But now that it's what is, how you deal with it is important to your, and your kids futures.

AJ

P.S. Consider posting on newcomers - you'll get more responses and traffic there.


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Re: Walk away Wife having affair [Re: Hurt06] #2521355
12/29/14 02:22 PM
12/29/14 02:22 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Hurt06  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
She can't move out because she is stay at home Mom and we cannot afford and apartment for her. We are really stuck in a rut can't move fwd. any advice?
No longer even looking to see what she does... That was killing me.

finally getting some sleep with the help of some meds through my councilor.

Meeting with our pastor and his wife to try and work on things but but only shows up and does not seem to be attempting to actually do what anyone is advising. I'm seeing a separate councilor to work on myself and having great success. Ups and downs but at least moving forward. She is not attempting to get any help and only goes to see the pastor when I ask if she wants to meet with them. Very weird.


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Re: Walk away Wife having affair [Re: Hurt06] #2542182
02/25/15 04:37 PM
02/25/15 04:37 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Hurt06  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
Well, she says affair is over and I can no longer see thats its active going on. Trust but verify and seems to be over. We are seeing counselor but not getting anywhere fast.

She is completely disconnected and says she wants to save the marriage, says she is trying but I see very little effort. Maybe I am too hurt to see progress or I'm grasping at straws. She has ZERO desire to be intimate and is a struggle just to sit in the same room together.

We are sleeping in the same bed but very separated. She never snuggles up or reaches for me in anyway. I'll try and at least place a hand on her back or some part of me touching her hoping for a connection but all is cold. sometimes she even pulls away. I have tried every romantic thing I can dream up and she has no response to anything as far as romance is concerned. She will be intimate but I might as well be by myself its as if she feels like it is her duty and I just feel terrible.

In addition when I have questions she just says she can't remember, and then when confronted with facts.... gets mad.

How do we get passed this stuck area?

Last edited by Hurt06; 02/25/15 04:43 PM.

M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Re: Walk away Wife having affair [Re: Hurt06] #2572919
05/29/15 01:09 AM
05/29/15 01:09 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Hurt06  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
How do you deal with a WAW that refuses to communicate even just regarding the children? Any opportunity we have to discuss school, kids counseling, weekends, even who will pick up the kids today, she attempts to draw me into a huge argument. I explain that we need to step away from the children and have a calm conversation and she just refuses and continues to try and escalate the situation in front of the kids. I calmly say if you want to talk to me in a calm way I will be here but I will not argue with you in front of the kids and quietly walk to where the kids cannot here us. She of course never follows and nothing gets resolved. Its a daily battle.

Anyone else see this type of behavior? How can I just establish basic communication so that we can get through each day peacefully?


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
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