Confusion is getting better, I think...

[Okabe]

Got home from work and W was/ is in a decent mood. Not as uncommunicative as normal. Spoke to me about going x-mas shopping for the boys next week. I told her what I had added on insurance for next year on open enrollment. She spoke about the coming year in regards to that.
It is strange. She has said she doesn't know if she is still "in love" with me and whether she wants to be with me, yet she does talk about/ plan for the coming year. I find this confusing.
It doesn't change my course of action though. I still am going to work on myself, detach, and GAL. I don't hang any hope on her future talk. I just find it perplexing.

[Okabe]

Although I will admit some unreasonable paranoia when W keeps insisting I text her when I leave work on Friday. I always leave early and pick up the boys. I told her I might run some errands if I leave early enough, but that I'd still pick up the boys. She was just very insistent about getting a text when I leave. This is just my brain running away with itself, worrying about nothing.

[Okabe]

Spoke to our HR person at work about counselling program thing they have. I plan to start IC in the new year. I have been seeing some ACoA issues and codependancy stuff that had affected my R that I'd like to work out for myself. A little self care.

[Okabe]

Had mostly a good (busy) day. Taught the second to last kid's class at our kwoon. Cleaned out a lot of the stuff. Dropped S11 off at home. Visited the Sifus of 2 other schools and gave them some stuff. Stopped by our friend's house (who we rarely see) and visited a while. I was out of the house for much of the day.
W stayed home and did her school work and helped S11 with homework. I noticed she frequently won't look at me. Not sure why. I also see that she doesn't look very happy.
I find at times that I fill silence with talking hoping that she'll cheer up. But I know that is not my responsibility. That is my codependant side creeping in wanting to fix.
I get angery at her (when alone thinking about things) and have lost my trust in her to be truthful. I need to let this go.

[Okabe]

It's been 2 months since I joined the forum.
I feel like I know how to approach DB better and am slowly getting better at detaching. I am looking at the new year as an opportunity to get in a better spot and remake myself.
What happens with W remains to be seen. She doesn't seem to be affected either way by my detaching actions or 180s so far, but I know that is not the entire point.
I kept myself busy this weekend and out of the house much of the time.
I had coffee with my best friend (who has known me for 20+ years). I spoke to him about my codependent behaviors and what I was doing with DB. He is very supportive and thinks DB ideas are pretty good. He told me while I own some of the problems in the M he feels like there is something going on with my W and that she would benefit from counseling (although he doesn't know what would ever get her to go).
I also ended up deciding to get W presents for X-mas. I just give them with no expectations of anything (they aren't extravagant). I just decided to give freely, if this was a LRT mistake let me know. I was unsure of this.

[Okabe]

After talking to my friend we also cancelled our plans for a week long camping trip that we had planned to do this July. He said it might be weird depending on where the W and I were at. Also his new girlfriend (he is a widower) doesn't know anything about our sitch and he didn't want to put her in a potentially uncomfortable situation. I completely understood.
Now I just have to decide if we plan a camping trip as a family (with out our friends) or not... I was thinking putting the planning in W's court and letting her decide and make the plans (which she never has in the past) if she wants to go.
Does this make sense? I am not the one making the future plans. She would be.

[sandi2]

This year I had thought of a few things to get her that she'd like, but is that a good idea? I wouldn't think of it as a way to get in her good graces, just a nice gift for the holiday.
Not sure what to do here....Ideas?

I do something nice because I do something nice, not because I expect she'll react in any particular way.
I think I am doing this in a detached manner...

I also ended up deciding to get W presents for X-mas. I just give them with no expectations of anything (they aren't extravagant). I just decided to give freely, if this was a LRT mistake let me know. I was unsure of this.

I would not say it is a "mistake", but you keep bringing this up about getting her gifts for Christmas (and nobody has said a word) and it's like you are trying to excuse it away. Way too much talk about it, which means you are over-thinking it, which means you are giving it too much importance.....which means you still have a long way to go in detaching.

You go for years that neither of you exchange gifts, now THIS year you are claiming to be in LRT, but you want to get her SEVERAL gifts. If you were in piecing, I could understand, but you said you are in LRT. If you want to get her something, wouldn't it be less obvious if you got something small and rather inexpensive? But, do what you want.

On another subject, you watch her way too closely. If you are aware she never looks at you....then you must be watching her all the time. That feels very smothering to a WAW. And, it makes you appear less than confident, insecure, and co-dependent on her. That is not flattering. If you were detached and really applying LRT, you would not be looking back to see if she was looking back at you.

I do think you recognize some things in yourself that you still need to work on, and I compliment you for not giving up and striving to get better at this. Two months is not long, but many men in your shoes don't tough it out even that long before they say "none of this is working".

It does seem strange she insists you text before picking up the kids. Maybe you need to forget a time or two?

[Okabe]

Sandi2,
Thank you. You are probably right.
Being that we are living together and maintaining some semblance of normal and the boys having no idea what is going on makes me unsure of my actions and whether I am "detaching" the way I need to.
You are right about me watching her too much. I have to stop being over-focused on her and what she is doing and feeling. I will work on this.
On the gifts I was really unsure. I know my friend thought I should. I asked her (as we have done in the past) if we were going to exchange and she said: "I don't know". Not being sure of what to do I just went ahead (it is under $120.00 for everything). But I definitely see your point. As far as over-thinking it: yes. I do that a lot.
I do have a long way to go. I'll keep trying. I want to do this right for myself.

[Okabe]

I just read what I wrote about the cost of everything and remembered something (I believe) you told me: that she does not see me as her partner, lover, best friend, or wife.
I would not spend that much on a room mate or friend.
I could kick myself. I don't know why that didn't stick when I was thinking about this before.

[sandi2]

Here are a couple of suggestions about the gifts. 1) You could have them wrapped, but hidden away and not put under the tree until you see if she has any for you. If she does, then you could bring your gifts out to "surprise" her, and act as if it was planned that way. 2) You could place only one of the gifts under the tree and hold the others for another gift-giving holiday.

Most of all, don't sweat it. The most important thing right now is to work on not over-focusing on it, b/c that prevents you from detaching.

I notice that it seems really difficult for the LBS to not buy a gift on holidays that traditionally calls for it. I just want to remind them that they seldom "win" any points with the WAW and gift-giving. If he doesn't recognize her, then she uses it to justify her feelings. If he does get her something, she doesn't really appreciate it from her heart (even if she's able to mutter a thank you), b/c she is a WAW. IMO, most WAW's look at anything over the top as him trying to kiss-up. But IJMO.