I am not as negative about SIL as Mozza is. I do agree be careful, but is your chance to shine.
I am going to paint this wall lime green with purple dots, what do you think SIL?
If I am going to refresh the bedroom/kitchen/hallway what would you and BIL suggest? Can I talk to you about new drapes. I value your opinion and BIL on ........" Guaranteed you wiill get some practical help AND present PMA with an opportunity to do more.
"I would like to thank you and BIL for your help in this, can we arrange lunch with (kids) if any?" Etc
An 8 Sandi guidelines interaction, I have started measuring my interaction in Sandi guideline points! Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/13/1404:29 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks, yeah it should be interesting. SIL texted me this morning and obviously made an attempt to try and make this as smooth as possible. Asking when the best time was to stop over and all. Much different than email from W to me that had it listed in pretty much legal date, year, time, etc.
So I called SIL back with a PMA and said I was flexible anytime and asked a few questions like are we just going through stuff or moving it, etc. She also said she wasn't sure, she just found out yesterday that this is happening.
Then we texted back and forth and already smoothed stuff over about the value of the stuff in the H. Knowing SIL, I think I can tell that she's annoyed to be doing this, she texted "So, my purpose is to go through the list and see if you to agree to her assessment of value of items" Anyway, don't want to mind-read her, I already know where she stands.
How this all started when W and I talked, W wanted half the $$, so I said we needed to assign value to everything before she would take it to keep track. I texted SIL, that I don't care about the value, just it seemed as if W did based on what she sent me. SIL said SIL knows what W wants and value doesn't need to be assessed then. I'll need W to send me an email directly at some point on that to cover my behind. Anyway, typical thing in all of this, lack of communication. W refuses to talk w/me outside of mediation. I'm trying to walk the careful line of being strong and confident in this almost exclusively through email communication. I've always said email is a horrible communication tool as you can read text with a context of any emotion that you feel at the time. That part makes it harder
Last edited by MCS; 12/13/1405:17 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Also, house is in tip-top shape for SIL. I do think I agree with you that I need to drive home the changes in the house that I'm going to make now that W is not here.
Thanks for your response, its helping me out like always. I've already got some things put aside that are W's for when SIL comes.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I guess it went as good as could be expected. Only a couple things W wanted that I didn't agree with. SIL definitely made it clear that she was not the one to negotiate, which I was fine with.
Her and I went through a couple closets to box W's stuff. At one point I asked her if W would want something and she said, "its your call, if she can't get the courage to do this herself" (I definitely censored that comment)
Anyway, SIL is definitely not agreeing with W, we didn't talk about the R at all really. She just said she is doing whatever she can to help us out. Funny thing is, there's two other friends of ours that W took advantage of that said the same thing at first. She said I look like I'm doing good, but she can tell its tough for me. She pointed at me referring to the weight I had lost.
They only thing I said was "Well, this is her decision, so I need move on right now." I did say that I wish that W would have more communication with me about kids, house, property, etc. since we only talk 30 minutes a week.
When she was saying goodbye, I could tell we both were at the point we were going to lose it and had a hug, a 'talk to you later' and then she rushed out the door. Good thing because about 2 minutes later, I cracked. Feeling better now, but definitely it hit me again about what it going on.
Well, next step is to get the furniture she wants out. Of course W scheduled something already when I'm at work (along with an appraiser) even though we have an agreement that we would not enter the other person's residence. I guess we can talk about that on Tuesday during counseling (mediation.) So much for written agreements right now.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Otherwise change the locks, the date and time should be agreed by the two of you.
By the way, you did really well with SIL, who sounds very grounded and straightforward. The whole thing is truly difficult but MCS, it is as good as it gets.
Proud of you
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yeah, SIL is a great gal. She's had a tough life, single mom, dead-beat baby's dad, stressful job, etc. She's always looked up to W, so this is especially tough. I heard that SIL Said when this all started that she can't help W, because she can't commiserate that W had anything bad in her life compared to most people. Also heard she said she would kill for someone like me in her life and doesn't understand why W is doing this. It was a good boost for me earlier on in the crisis.
Yeah, I'm struggling with W upholding the boundaries. We tried verbal and that didn't work, now it's written but not legal, hopefully it doesn't go further cause it gets really expensive. It's just W says whatever to get me and/or counselor to be appeased and does whatever she wants anyway. Just trying to let that stuff roll off my back as long as it doesn't affect kids, finances or property.
Thanks again for the pep talk. It really wasn't too big of a deal going through it with her, but it stinks that we're at this point. I guess I'm really worried that W will stick to her decision even though she knows it's not going to make her happy. She's a very determined person, one thing that attracted me to her; but a lot of times is so determined she causes herself to self-destruct. I guess I need to leave that up to faith.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, I'm getting so upset that W doesn't communicate with me at all w/o being at counsellor (mediation.) it's so annoying, I just can't let it go. she said she wants to communicate more especially with the kids. She wanted me to send pictures of things with the kids. I've sent 10 over the last few weeks and have gotten no response at all. Today, sent an email and asked a question, no reply. At one point she sent me an email that if I need to get in touch with her, send her a text and she will determine if it's important enough to get back to me.
Any suggestions? I guess it's why I had to put the agreement in place, but it still is really frustrating.
Last edited by MCS; 12/14/1409:12 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Do you think that the more you chase for communication, the less W communicates. Time for small thank you gift for SIL, something for the family I think.
I would pull back a little and stop chasing. She will decide if it's important enough?
She wanted you to send pictures, you have sent 10, try a 180 don't send any and see what happens. I would take the pictures though and have them as memories for you.
Limit your questions to the children and very important things. MCS enjoy your life, go GAL and enjoy your children. Regards Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/14/1410:48 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks Vanilla, I didn't even think about gift for SIL, great idea. I sent her a gift card.
Yeah, the communication (email) that I initiate is like 1x per week, usually she'll send me something 1x and I'll respond back to those.
so as far as pictures, right after she left; I sent her some pictures of S5's first week of school back right after she left and she didn't respond back then. So I stopped sending, then she told me she thought I was witholding stuff about kids from her. So that's when I started sending stuff again like I said above.
Yeah, I've only sent her important stuff, bills, kids, etc.
Anyway, you're right. I need to detach more. Not only is this wearing on me, it's ruining my PMA. This is not the person I married. I'm just sick of the drama and the rejection. I don't expect her to be a W right now, but at least we need to work out the business part of separating and she is running from nearly all of it. I need to GAL. Kids come back tomorrow, so happy about that.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, I'm getting so upset that W doesn't communicate with me at all w/o being at counsellor (mediation.) it's so annoying, I just can't let it go. she said she wants to communicate more especially with the kids. She wanted me to send pictures of things with the kids. I've sent 10 over the last few weeks and have gotten no response at all. Today, sent an email and asked a question, no reply. At one point she sent me an email that if I need to get in touch with her, send her a text and she will determine if it's important enough to get back to me.
Any suggestions? I guess it's why I had to put the agreement in place, but it still is really frustrating.
Don't expect your W to adjust to your expectations or demands, no more than you'd expect a giraffe to climb a tree. Don't expect it at all. It won't frustrate you then. Take note of how she acts and adjust accordingly. To me, it's not difficult at all; like some technical challenge that I don't take personally. She doesn't follow up on commitments? Noted. She doesn't respond to texts and emails? Noted. Don't give her the pleasure of disappointing you.
Also, note that you are still trying to control her. There's a hint of "it's a matter of principle" in your reaction. Does that suggest that you wouldn't be any different if she came back, forcing her to react a certain way at a certain time to avoid your criticism or anger? Practice letting go: it will be good for you in your next relationship, with her or another.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
