Today you are too full of emotions. You are angry at yourself and deeply regretting your mistakes. You feel as if she is the air you breathe. I think it is human to have a lot of the feelings you have today. I am probably not the person that should be talking to you at this particular time. I just wanted you to know we were here and could hear the pain you are having.
We want to help you come through this, however, I am not sure how well you are able to take in a lot of DBing today. You can get better. Your life will get better, but it will happen a lot faster if you do certain things to help yourself. That is what detaching is all about. It is not to stop loving her, but to help yourself.
First thing is to stop beating yourself up. Go ahead and have some time of grieving, crying, anger, etc. But tomorrow, you need to make yourself get up and move. Learn to become your own friend and be good to yourself. That means forgiving yourself, too. Trust me, the self hatred is no way to live. It does not accomplish anything positive.
I will talk to you later. Maybe another LBS will be able to come say some words of encouragement.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I did not mean any disrespect, I do appreciate your advice more than you know, I am just having a very rough day not looking forward to what's coming.
I know exactly how you feel and there's really nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better, unfortunately.
I had to understand that it didn't matter what I wanted. The choice was up to someone who didn't want the same thing as I do. I want tons of answers for a ton of questions, but most of them don't make any logical sense and that's stupid, too.
In the end you just have to feel crappy. That's all you can do is feel crappy.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
i understand, believe me i really do. I thought i wanted more than anything to fix my marriage but actually i realise that somewhere along the way that a big part of that is wanting the pain and anguish to stop.
for me it felt like my whole insides had been ripped out or that it was like a black hole that was sucking everything good out of my world. At times i still feel that way.
The bit I find hardest is seeing how much i contributed to the problems and all the 'if only i had....' that comes from that. and that just adds to my pain.
I long for the switch to turn the pain off, just like i long for the switch that can turn my wife's love for me back on but i know that unfortunately neither of those exist.
what does exist is detaching. detaching doesnt mean not caring and it doesnt mean not wanting what you currently want. it means finding ways to not let the pain and self flagellation distract you from your goal which is not to save the marriage but to save yourself. when you save yourself you give yourself the best chance of saving your marriage.
its not easy, in fact its really really hard, and i am nowhere near there. somedays are harder than others but week by week it gets better.
in the meantime use this forum, youll get help and support here and great advice from the likes of Sandi2. but also express yourself here - let it out here - then you have a better job of showing your wife the best possible side of you.
Good luck
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Love14. So sorry , when people say detach it's for you. Not trying to hijack but I am sitting here at 3am in the morning watching tele Until this started I could sleep through an earthquake. Since W left I sleep about two hours a nite. I constantly think of her and how I will deal with life without her. She was everything to me and all I ever wanted.
Detachment is so you can deal. My W is gone 2 months and I now only cry about twice a week. She is not overly happy my kids aren't and I certainly am not however this is a road W has chosen so what can I do. Accept and detach, it's incredibley hard but without doing it I would be in a funny farm.
Your in the same boat and that's the only reason why the detach advice. Please belive that I and most others on here know exactly how you are feeling and understand the pain. Detachment is a way to deal with it but I think time and detachment together will get us through this.
The feeling of your wife shutting you out of her life is the worst feeling in the world.
Please know that you are not alone in how you feel right now. Also, just because she has filed does not mean this is over. Your wife has simply acted on what she has already verbalized to you. Her filing really shouldn't be such a shock to you. Your reaction is reinforcing the idea in her mind that you really are NOT hearing what she is saying.
My suggestion is that you take a step back, maybe read up on some other folks sitches, and realize that you are at the very beginning of a LONG road.
IF you continue begging, pleading, crying you will reach the end of your road VERY SOON. Is that what you want? What if it took 6 months of no contact with your W to fix this? Can you stomach that to save a 14 year marriage?
You are smothering the dying embers of your wife's love for you. STOP. Leave her alone. Your actions are the most harmful thing to your marriage right now. Do you not see this? I assume you did not win her heart over acting like this 14+ years ago. YOU NEED TO CHANGE. NOW!
I am rooting for you man, and so are many others who are watching. Please grow a spine and don't let us down.
UpperCut Me: 28 W: 25 Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home) S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15) No kids
I made the same mistake it appears you are doing, NOT validating your W's feelings and NOT acknowledging they are real. Validating her feelings is not a quick fix, it will not reverse her D filing. But it IS a tool missing from your marital tool belt that you will need to fix your marriage, or to function healthily in any future relationship if things go that route.
Right now you're the only one who thought "everything was okay." She doesn't feel that way and if you don't acknowledge her feelings, and you know her feelings are her guiding light right now, she will completely eliminate you from her life to protect herself on her new journey. She is still interacting with you right now, so optimize your own part in each of those interactions. She might go dark on you soon, so this really is your time to make your good impressions for her to think back on when she has doubts about her decision to leave the marriage.
UpperCut Me: 28 W: 25 Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home) S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15) No kids
Sandi, I did not mean any disrespect, I do appreciate your advice more than you know, I am just having a very rough day not looking forward to what's coming.
Don't worry about it, no offense taken. The reason I said I probably was not the one you needed talking to you right now, is b/c I felt another LBS could probably identify with your pain.
Even though detaching may look impossible from where you sit at the moment, it can be done.....if you want it. First step is making the decision to do what is necessary to get there. Based on what I've read, I don't think it is ever an overnight accomplishment. You have to set personal goals that will get you up and make yourself get out and go get a life that does not depend on a relationship with her......or any individual.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I saw the kids today and saw her, she was nicer to me today than she has been in the last couple months. Is it because she filed 3 days ago and feels some type of relief? Is there a chance that she filed out of anger, and now that she has some relief she might have a change of heart? Gosh this is so hard, I want to detach, but its so much easier said than done. I'm afraid there is zero chance if I detach. That's why I'm holding on, but the reality is that everythinf I have done during our separation has only made things worse. Answering my own question huh? Jeez my mind is just mush!
