Stay strong love14. Don't let her see you hurting. Go and do something anything to feel better. It's not over for you if you don't want it to be. Just keep following DB.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Stay strong. Accept it on the surface Don't ask her to change her mind. She feels (at the moment) that this is what she wants , you cannot change her mind with words. Keep busy and detach It's so tough and a lot of us are where you are but it's not in your control. Detach detach detach
What will detaching do for my wife and I? Will it help reconcile & mend our marriage? I keep hearing detach detach as if it's the cure to everything. I begged like a sorry worthless piece of dirt today, begged for mercy, begged for forgiveness, begged and begged.
All to be told that she can't trust me, I will hurt her again, I have brought her to this point, I have ruined her etc. she even asked if I'm happy that I have pushed her so far, she said that now she has to start her life over again and she burst out in tears. EVERYTHING is my fault according to her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pointing fingers, I'm taking responsibility for 95% of it, but it's getting old to hear it over and over again. But I did break down when she told me she filed.
I respectfully told her I will let her go ( she asked me to let her go twice). And I hung up the phone. I am no longer going to pursue her, interestingly enough she called me after 1 hour and wanted to talk calmly, but only to tell me why she filed ( because of me ). Seems like because I said I'm done chasing her, she made a move towards me. Not s game changer but still....
Anyway, as of right now a couple weeks before Christmas, she has filed for divorce. So what in the world can a guy that is crazy I love with his wife do?
Ps: sorry if there's typos, doing this on my phone
I am sorry and feel your pain. Begging is not the answer nor the way, I've been thee myself. It makes you look weak, not in control and it ruins your self esteem. We both know we can't change our wives minds, they have to change it or desire it. That's the sad honest truth.
My suggestion is to detach, let her go, don't plead or pursue, it only makes it worse. Again, I have made all of these mistakes too.
Work on yourself, be the best person you can be, GAL, and it's in God's hands. Regardless of the outcome, know that you have given it your all and you will be a better person in the end.
I'm sorry about the turn of events. You seem very frustrated about getting advice to detach. First, let me ask you if you have learned through your experience of begging that it has no effect on her? Will you continue to fall back on these non-effective actions?
You apparently do not understand the true sense of emotionally detaching from your W. The purpose is to save yourself, and saving the M through that process is a bonus. It takes more than detaching to save a M. That is only part of it.
So now the D is final? I know you are in terrible pain. Will you spend the next two weeks with friends and family, and don't hang around those who don't love you? Leave her alone. That is the only thing you need to do at this point. The worst thing is to continue to pursue with more pleading, trying to be her friend, or whatever. Just let it go. Take care of your needs for now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
love14, just caught up on your situation. Sorry for the pain and frustration you are feeling.....
Know that you are not alone (check out my situation - when I started reading your first post I though for a minute it was one of my older ones......) and that you can continue to move close to detaching........ it is certainly not easy and it will likely be a scenario similar to 2 steps forward, 1 step back for awhile.....
Stick with it and it will work though - you are getting great advice from vets and others w/similar situations......
Thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I'm sorry about the turn of events. You seem very frustrated about getting advice to detach. First, let me ask you if you have learned through your experience of begging that it has no effect on her? Will you continue to fall back on these non-effective actions?
You apparently do not understand the true sense of emotionally detaching from your W. The purpose is to save yourself, and saving the M through that process is a bonus. It takes more than detaching to save a M. That is only part of it.
So now the D is final? I know you are in terrible pain. Will you spend the next two weeks with friends and family, and don't hang around those who don't love you? Leave her alone. That is the only thing you need to do at this point. The worst thing is to continue to pursue with more pleading, trying to be her friend, or whatever. Just let it go. Take care of your needs for now.
Sandi2, have seen many of your posts here and in other situations. I think it is great that you continue to take the time to "pay it forward" and help others who find themselves in these situations. I am sure I speak for all here when I say "Thank You!"
I know it is a lot to ask but if you have sometime would love your perspective / insight on my situation.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Thank you for the replies everyone. Sandi, she got an attorney yesterday and filed the paperwork, in our state it takes a couple months for it to be final.
I understand the detaching, I truly do, but how can one just wake up one day and decide to emotionally detach from the person they are madly, deeply and wholeheartedly in love with? Someone I would do absolutely anything for, someone who is constantly saying that she is in this position, her mental state, her depression all because of years of me neglecting her and valuing her? I had never in a million years had intentions to cause this. I love her so much, I showed it to her with words daily, affection daily, text messages, verbal, kisses, hugs etc... What I did not do is to listen to her true needs, her need of companionship mentally. That kept causing resentment in her until one day she said she's done.
As of right now, all I can think of is that I won't be spending the rest of my life with her, I won't have a chance to show her ( with actions ) what she means to me, I won't be raising our children with her by my side. It is unbearable, if I could flip the "detach" switch in my heart and mind, I would do it right now, but I cant, I just want a chance to be with her and show her how important she is, show her what an amazing person she is and how dearly I value her, I just want that 1 chance to show her with my actions.
