a young marriage in trouble

[lnlyshp]

Yes, a place for me and my son would be great. I would feel lonely at first but moving out on my own again would really help me to move on. Unfortunately without W's income we are not in a financial to do so right now. I have about a year left of college. Unfortunately, because of W's schedule, it almost necessitates that I can't just get any job and work regular hours. So I have been looking around for unconventional times (perhaps working nights again). Not sure what to do, kind of stuck right now financially.

[lnlyshp]

Sandi2, that is a really great read. "I am not getting what I want, so I must pull back."

I have been working on letting go of codependent habits at IC and this really matches up with what I've been talking about with him. One of my 180's is to be a more positive person and, looking at detachment through this lens, I believe will really help me do that. Rather than being angry at W, I must detach and try and forgive her, but also forgive myself.

Thank you for posting that.

[lnlyshp]

Need help ASAP.

Going to drop my son off in about a half hour. Saw she withdrew $500 from our account. I don't want to ask where the money is going, but I need to let her know that is an amount that we need to talk about before withdrawing. How should I phrase this?

[Wet]

It's a tough question you are asking without knowing the details of your previous way of dealing with finances and paying bills.

My quick thought is that there should be 3 separate accounts - one to pay bills from, one for you separately, and one for your w to have her separately. That way neither of you can know of the other's spending habits. But then you will have to make sure W puts in enough to pay for the monthly bills. Good luck.

[lnlyshp]

Well, met with her to drop off the son and asked if she wanted to get coffee so we could discuss finances. We did, and I think it was a good meeting. I didn't ask where the money went, but she told me anyway. She started her own bank account. Disappointing but I can't say that I blame her. She left me a lot of the money. I was proud of my reaction, didn't get upset like I believe she expected. It will also help with my habitual checking of the account. We planned out a loose budget and I expressed my need for her to help more with the baby. I chose my words very carefully so as not to express frustration, just explained what I needed.

The attitude in the meeting was very positive. She smiled quite a lot and we made a lot of jokes together. I like to show her that side of me.

Staying positive today, working out with a buddy and going on some adventures.

Thank you, Wet, for the response!

[Vanilla]

Ins
I would confirm in writing with W your understanding of the conversation. That she has left you the bulk of the cash. Then move it to an account in your name. Outline what you believe you have agreed. Email is fine, but do this matter of fact.

W, I understand that you gave taken x from our account and that the remaining cash is remaining for .......
I intend to open my own account as I can see this is practical. For the time being the joint account will remain open.
If your interpretation is different please let me know

Keep matters about the baby separate for the moment, you may need to revisit cost allocation for baby. As she works and you are a student, then there will be extra issues arising.

You kept the interaction positive but don't chase W. Keep steady Ins and keep posting.
Vanilla

[lnlyshp]

As always, thank you for the advice and for the response, Vanilla. You have been a great help in this time.

Journaling: Today is a tough one. I suffered an injury working out (I'm guessing a strained hip flexor) and now I can barely walk. Very difficult to keep up with the little one and now my outlet of going to the gym will be paused for a while. I will have to rest up for a week or so, I imagine. Tried to explain to W that I may need to go to a doctor. She responds that "well, you have insurance, so you can make an appointment." Makes me feel so needy. I only have insurance through her job right now. Makes me feel like she's just taking pity on me and not divorcing me so I don't lose insurance. I feel worthless. No wonder she left. I can't even support myself.

Explained that I may need more help with the baby than I thought (recall we discussed her taking him for more days than usual this week because finals are coming up). She seemed very annoyed at this request. I told her I don't want her to be mad at me because of it (I know, I should've stfu), she said she wasn't. I probably came off as needy and I'm sure she resents me for asking for so much help. Ungh.

I don't know what to do. I'm in a lot of physical pain and the stress of school is driving me crazy. I don't want to ask for any more help from her but I just need someone to help me, just for a tiny bit. Is that so much to ask? I'm not asking so that I can go out and party (like she is). I'm asking so that I can get things done and so that I can heal from injury.

[Vanilla]

As always, thank you for the advice and for the response, Vanilla. You have been a great help in this time.

Journaling: Today is a tough one. I suffered an injury working out (I'm guessing a strained hip flexor) and now I can barely walk. Very difficult to keep up with the little one?.......

I will have to rest up for a week or so, I imagine. Tried to explain to W that I may need to go to a doctor. She responds that "well, you have insurance, so you can make an appointment." Makes me feel so needy. I only have insurance through her job right now. Makes me feel like she's just taking pity on me and not divorcing me so I don't lose insurance. I feel worthless. No wonder she left. I can't even support myself.

Explained that I may need more help with the baby than I thought (recall we discussed her taking him for more days than usual this week because finals are coming up). She seemed very annoyed at this request. I told her I don't want her to be mad at me because of it (I know, I should've stfu), she said she wasn't. I probably came off as needy and I'm sure she resents me for asking for so much help. Ungh.

I don't know what to do. I'm in a lot of physical pain and the stress of school is driving me crazy. I don't want to ask for any more help from her but I just need someone to help me, just for a tiny bit. Is that so much to ask? I'm not asking so that I can go out and party (like she is). I'm asking so that I can get things done and so that I can heal from injury.

Ins, these things happen at the worst of times, sometimes for the best of reasons, to help us dig deeper.

Stop the pity party please and let's start the practical party. Firstly, W married YOU and you are a student. So far logical. There is a baby, which you take care of. W has insurance and as a family it extends to you. You are in pain and injured, go get this seen to immediately before there is damage. Frankly who knows or cares what W thinks, you and the little one matter more than any random thought of Ws. You want to continue to look after the little one? Then go get doctoring. Read my sitch, none of H views on my health bothers me. Pain does though!

In any case, it's in her best interest to have you up and running again (pun intended) as then you can help with the little one. Go get pain relief without any delay.

When you have ceased being a student then no doubt you will be working and having insurance of your own. Go do it, no hestitation, you have studies and a baby.

Is there a student union or bursary? Chat to a tutor and see if short term crèche can be arranged whilst you do finals, any other young parents that you can do a swap with, you get relief during finals and then you cover another time. You may be looking for a student in the next semester whose finals don't overlap. There will be a solution.

Discuss your sitch with your tutor, there may be resources of which you are unaware or there may be auxiliary which will help.

This is one time when you really don't STFU, this isn't about R it's about your future and that of you little one. Your long term future.

Conversation "W, for the next few weeks whilst I study for my finals I would like....... This is about my future and my long term ability to provide and care for our child. Can you please (help me pay for a crèche, baby minder, or provide relief cover yourself) on x And y dates as I need to study for my finals"


Time for action Ins, get studying for those finals, we need some celebration drinks.
This is tough but it's possible. As a young dad then you need all the help and support you can get, ask for it!

Let us know, we are with you
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Let us know how things are Ins.

Vanilla

[lnlyshp]

Hey vanilla. Thanks for checking up on me.

Here's the rundown:
- at the gym daily, working harder than I ever have in my life
- going to IC on Friday, he gave me a homework assignment where I will write a letter saying goodbye to my relationship, not necessarily to my marriage, but to the bad things in my old relationship
- finished my finals, feel that I did reasonably well, looking forward to a break before I start classes again late next month
- not much change with W. she is friendly usually, still can be quite cold at times. she still seems set on no reconciliation, not that I have asked. just expecting the worst still. don't know why she hasn't just served me with dissolution papers yet. maybe she's still trying to make up her mind or just waiting for after the holidays to do so. unsure what to do in that regard.

there has been a girl at school that has shown a lot of interest in me. very sweet girl, I really enjoy her energy. of course, nothing will come of it on my end. i know that I still love my W. just not sure how to let girl down easy.

still looking for ways to keep the hope alive. trying to stay patient, just very lonely and wishing I could detach and begin to move on with my life. wishing I wasn't still living in the past and thinking about all the things I could have done differently. wishing i could start to forgive myself for doing this to my family.

- lonelyship