Learning to Walk Again

[CaliGuy]

Hi CaliGuy.

I'm so sorry about your sitch. You are so strong.

Reconciliation will help unload a lot, and you are wise to continue your faith journey. Seek Him with all your heart. He wants you to be complete and whole in HIM. He loves you!

Do you have adoration at your church?

I know during this season of Advent it is an opportunity to know Him better. I would suggest that you go to adoration and just be there, be still and listen. Nothing to distract you and nothing to interfere with your time with our Lord. It can be 5 minutes or an hour. Feel His presence.

I am not sure ... Like I have said in my sitch .. I was not one who I would consider very religious and I am learning more and more each week ... I will look into this.

Know that He wants only the best for you and sometimes it isn't what we want or think is best for us. HIS plan is ALWAYS better.

Believe and stand on His promises for you.

Does your church have Jeff Cavins Bible Study? It is a Catholic Bible study on different parts of the Bible. Right now, our church is offering it and I love it. I did the Great Bible Timeline, Galatians, and now Revelation. It has really opened my eyes to my faith. I also went through RCIA many years ago but getting closer to our Lord and never letting go has helped me through some really tough times (like now :))


Proverbs 3: 5-6

Jeremiah 29:11

Psalm 27

Romans 8:28

Praying for you... Remember show your W and your S - Jesus. Be Jesus to them. Your S is especially watching how you are handling all of this and he loves both of you. Being like Jesus is not easy but so worth it. You are evangelizing. Keep it up my friend.

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

Thanks Vge

The Bible study thing they do have, but interfered with my RCIA nights. and then I have S 3 nights, DJ one ... so my time is limited, I am reading on my own and have found peace in The Word. I have come a long way, still have further to go ... regardless my life is forever changed and I am not going back to the old Cali, the old M ... ever.

[LouR]

Cali -

You are further along the path than me - don't look back (because we should not look back), but I am waving hello and sending you Happy Vibes.

Following along with you and your journey has given me the strength to keep going onwards my with mine - so thanks for sharing.

I am so happy that your w is giving you a softer time with her ATM. But don't let your guard down for a minute, not yet - sorry if it sounds negative, but this is a mistake I made and WHAM it slapped me big time. I don't want to see you hurt, you have come too far ......

I am in awe of you Cali, I am in awe of all the LBS who find a way through this to a happier place - with or without their s. I truly hope that whatever happens, you find your happy place :o) You deserve it ....repeat after me ... I deserve a happy life filled with love, laughter and peace.

Stay strong and carry on :o)

[CaliGuy]

So ... just some thoughts/observations/babble

Something I have noticed and not mentioned. So I drop off S Mon and Fri mornings. The past 2-3 weeks we arrive and W is typically coocking/eating watching Netflix on the iPad, dressed for work and all that. When she picks up S after she has consistantly show up wearing different work clothes from what she had on that morning. Different skirt, same top ... or same slacks different top. Just something I have noticed and found odd.

So I picked up S from her place yesterday, Asked where I should get him from as she had him all day, she was very nice via TM, I arrive at her place and she had his uniform all set to go, she was in her "Not going out of the house" clothes. I told S we were going out to dinner ... invited W out of courtesy .. ya know .. when you know you will be turned down but just do it to be polite ... she declined said she had to write BIL and run errands. So S and I have dinner .. watch a movie ..he calls W and she answers .. she is at the mall Christmas shopping. S told me he and her bought me my gift at the Christian Bookstore B-day present was from here too .... I am finding this a bit odd ... every year for Christmas I typically just get socks. So he and her are talking ... my stinking thinking started in a bit wondering what she was buying OM for Christmas ... I caught myself and left to take a shower. Not going to waste my time/energy on that.
This morning driving in its raining hard ... we never get rain here ... so as my wipers are trying to keep up on the freeway W TM "Drive safe, its Raining" I actually laughed as I am out in the middle of it. So we arrive ... dripping wet, S runs in .. comes back for the bear hug .. and W looks at me, was a nice look, soft, crazy but its like I see the old her peek out at me now and then .. sure I am whacko-crazy but little non-verbal things like this do help me .... seems I need to see some little flicker of light/hope to stay the course and continue to do 'this'. I told her to drive safe "its raining out there" (I laughed on the inside at my own humor) ... and off I went.

This weekend I have S Saturday .. taking him to a movie .. just going to enjoy the weekend. Will most likely sneak into work Sunday, ride the bike, nothing super exciting.

[CaliGuy]

Cali -

You are further along the path than me - don't look back (because we should not look back), but I am waving hello and sending you Happy Vibes.

Following along with you and your journey has given me the strength to keep going onwards my with mine - so thanks for sharing.

I am so happy that your w is giving you a softer time with her ATM. But don't let your guard down for a minute, not yet - sorry if it sounds negative, but this is a mistake I made and WHAM it slapped me big time. I don't want to see you hurt, you have come too far ......

I am in awe of you Cali, I am in awe of all the LBS who find a way through this to a happier place - with or without their s. I truly hope that whatever happens, you find your happy place :o) You deserve it ....repeat after me ... I deserve a happy life filled with love, laughter and peace.

Stay strong and carry on :o)

Thanks Lou

And no ... I am not gettign sucked into the "nice" ... thing is its just her being nice ... maybe its the Holidays, maybe she is avoiding conflict, maybe avoiding looking inward and doing any work .. I could maybe all day. Truth is .. nothing has changed, she still does not want me or our M so I will keep the focus on me and what I can control and do.

[uRworthy]

Hey C. Jedi level mindreading, huh? LOL!

You sound good. I get wanting to get the fears down.

Did I tell you that I letterd in fear? I got an "A" in it. I allowed it to control all my actions. It kept me stuck a good long while. I had it about a lot of things. Fear of the future, fear of failing, fear of succeeding, fear of being alone.

Still have it sometimes. That's the truth. But what I have usually found is that what I feared most...never came to fruition.

You will be ok, C. I think you know that. Life isnt always what we expect, but, that doesnt mean we cant find the joy in it.

Keep going, Cal. You are getting to the good parts.

[CaliGuy]

uR

HEck yeah .. I have the light-saber and everything ... "These are not the LBS's you're looking for"

I get the fear thing ... I was scared of leaving a job I had of 17 years to start new, terrified .. but more scared of what I would end up like if I stayed there ... so I jumped. It was one of the best things I could have ever done, I wish I would have had done it 5 years sooner honestly.

I think we all will have our own fears here and there ... its what keeps us from running around with wreckless abandon, the fears I listed do not paralyze me, I own them, I am afraid of losing W completely but ... at the end of the day all I can do is look myself in the mirror and know I did everything I could. I feel I have and am ... is it textbook perfect .. no. But my heart is in the right place, I own my part. That's all I can do.

Yeah I know I will be ok, each day stronger .. better .. set back here and there .. but I am better off now than I was 4 months ago that's for certain. Time will tell what my story will end up being.

[daring]

Cali you are sounding good! Just sending support and saying hello. I don't have much to add as you are rocking this!

[CaliGuy]

Thank you daring

Just babbling a bit here. Yesterday I woke up ... just kinda laid there in bed for a bit. Caught myself going to the dark place, feeling sorry for myself ... ya no that spot .. its in the bad part of town. So I got myself up, took a shower and decided to run a few errands before W dropped off S. So .... is started with me buying one of those shoe racks that fits in the closet, bought a few more things ... came home and ripped my room to shreads ... organized my closet, my dresser ... tossed out olt clothes, put aside shirts that needed to be dry cleaned ... even went through and organized all my socks... washed everything ... took a few hours but I was happy with it , feeling like I am cleaning the old crap out .. just as I am trying to do with myself. W dropped S off in the middle of all this .. she was upbeat and a talking a bit ... did not seem to be feeling guilty or anything ... which could mean two things .. she went solo .. or she has just decided OM is who she wants and thats the life she has chosen. Either way I did not spend much time dwelling on it ... I must be making progress because there was a time not long ago this would have driven me crazy.

Had a nice night with S, woke up early this morning and made him Strawberry Pancakes then we went to church. I let W know what we were doing she ended up picking S up from church so they could go to the birthday party. I stopped off at the store on the way home, watched the Chargers stink it up ... and here I am.

I need to work on the GAL a bit ... Holidays are here, seems I have some idle time that is leaving me to myself alot lately and this is the time I start wrestling with my thoughts about my sitch, sad/mad/confused .. .add in the rest of all the emotions ... this is not living. I have football and softball lined up but its still a month away from starting. Its the lonliness, so I will continue doing what I have ... getting out and GAL ... things will change for the better, they already have been .... keep pluggin

[uRworthy]

Attaboy, Luke (yea, thats my new nickname for you - LOL), for not spinning over whether she went with him or not. Thats a big, big step for you.

And those feelings are going to come back around sometimes. As long as you dont live there, right?

The loneliness is hard. It wont always be like this.

You keep going, Luke. I am liking what Im seeing.

[Georgiabelle]

Cali,

You organized the socks so I'm assuming all socks had a match ( which I find beyond impressive . I'm just tossing it out there that for some reason, I loathe Phillip Rivers. I digress.

The holidays are difficult. You are correct- you will get through so keep plugging along. Laugh whenever you get the chance. It really is the best medicine.

Keep up the good work!