Separated, but still friends

[Underdog]

Pink,

I have to like you for your courage. I admire that too. It takes a big person to face the demons and do the work to put them to rest. Hugs back atcha!

I'm so glad that you feel your IC is the person to guide you through the process. How about one piece of advice so that you embrace the emotional honesty with him? I know it's not your nature to trust, but why not offer it fully now, and then pull it back if he does something that warrants it? Not all people will fail you.

It's really hard to talk about these two issues because I go back and feel like I am the little girl again. It is even hard to explain how I turn into that child.

This makes perfect sense to me. Your injuries were sustained as a child. It's the little Pink who controls adult Pink. And until adult Pink can understand little Pink, it's difficult to feel like the adult.

But here comes the bad side, he is the only person for me. I have friends but not in a very deep relationship. I never gave that space to anyone.

Try not to think in absolutes. It's limiting and diminishing your worth.

So I have a case of dependency on him. Maybe he is suffocated by this. I was thinking why he kept saying over and over that I do not have friends and that he is really worried. I told him I have my friends and they are helping me with all what going through, but he knows people, he can read people much better then me, and he probably knows me better then I know myself, he knows all what you also knows now.

It sounds like you accept what he says as truthful. I'm glad to read that. Because if I were in his shoes, I would find this kind of dependency suffocating, and it would drive me away. I want a partner, not another person who is depending on me to provide for them. We teach our children to become independent, right? Spouses should have the opportunity to be with a person who comes to his table fully whole and who adds to his life, not detract from it. This isn't to say that we don't come to the marriage/relationship without baggage - we all do. But a healthy person tackles the part that gets in the way of current relationships. And yes, you are definitely on your journey.

Be gentle with yourself, Pink. As Calibri wisely said, those defense mechanisms used to serve a purpose. They no longer do. In fact they are causing pain. Sometimes, being in survival mode is the only thing you can do until you get to safe ground. But when you get to safe ground, it's time to move from survive to thrive.

I'll be anxious to hear your plan. I'm proud of you for being willing to brave your fears and start processing the pain. You're courageous.

HUGS!

Betsey

[Pink17]

Hi Calibri,

Thanks for your kind words. I just mean blind because I gave so much importance for everything else but my R w/H. And now he is done with me, and all the house chores, appointments, cleaning, washing, you name it. And now it is not as important as my M was.

I am actually on anti-depressants since sometime in 8/14 - I do not have a family history of anxiety or depression what is good. When I started feeling that I couldn't stop shaking like bamboo in a storm, I saw my doctor and she prescribed me some mild anti depressant what like you said, is taking the edge off.

Saw H this morning when he came into the house to pick up the boys. You know, my boys are not so young, so he does not need to literally pick them up, they walk to the car. My S14 was already in the car and he came in after the S17. They were not late though. I asked him about taking S14 to his Orchestra Concert tonight because I have my IC and don't want miss it. H was all smiles, hugs and kisses. He said was not problem at all and that he will meet me there for us to see the concert.

I noticed that H really freaks out when he sees me. I was actually very calm this morning. He gets very nervous trying to be extra nice. It's almost as he is reading DR or DB. It makes me laugh now...what if one day I find out that he is using the techniques on me, it would be funny!

S14 told me that H told him he never cheating on me. What???
He is not suppose to be talking to him about this. I don't get it but he really wants to make sure I understand he did not cheated on me, even when he went to see OW. Why it is so important for him I don't know. Maybe because the D and custody.

Will stop by your sitch later (((Calibri))))

Pink

[Sotto]

Hi Pink - interesting what you say about feeling like a little girl again when you think about the difficult things that happened to you. I have been talking to my IC about my tendency to people please & say what I think others want to hear.

She was saying that stuff like this is often a childhood legacy & that we learn behaviours/approaches that keep us 'safe' as kids then & we carry them into our later lives. She said - but you're 47 now....you don't need to do that anymore!

I think you are making so much progress - even though you may not see it right. Ow amidst all the pain. Your marital crisis may prove to be a catalyst for you to work through things from your childhood, leading to a more joyful and fulfilled life for you. You may well look back on this awful time and feel it is the best thing that could have happened for you.

Just keep moving forwards with your IC support - you've got this :-)

[Pink17]

Toots,

I read that trying to please other people is also an internal issue and can be related to some trauma along the time you were building your personality.

It is somehow a desire to be accepted by others, when the truth is you need to accept yourself. Maybe you try to talk some more with your IC and try to figure why you have this tendency.

Talking about is already a step towards the solution. But these feeling we built inside and keep it for a long time they are hard to resolve.

"She said - but you're 47 now....you don't need to do that anymore!"

When I talk to my IC today I want to ask him about techniques or every day exercise, or through meditation... some ways that I can take the pain, resentment, wound, memory, etc away from my heart. People say, you don't need to do that anymore, but what that means? How do I go from point A to point B? How do I switch from hurting to being OK with it? If I had a stop, cancel, off bottom I would press it without a doubt, but I/we do not have one.

I forgot to tell you, I got my Xmas tree on Saturday morning, it's very nice. A little shorter then last year, but it is still pretty big. I am working on the decorations every day a little bit. H helped me to set up the tree inside the house on sunday, he actually never did it before, I guess he is also changing. I also put some lights outside, I am half away since I needed to clean the gutters too.

I feel good that my mood for Xmas is not getting all destroyed. I even think that maybe Xmas can be a good time to show some changes. Who knows...

Hugs... (((Toots)))

Pink

[Ggrass]

I have learnt to be distrustful. My h said he was doing xyz and it now turns out he wasn't, he was running off to date ow.

Now I've got huge trust issues, I'm looking to expand my circle of friends to include more men. I used to have a lot of men friends but h saw to that it made him uncomfortable, but he was allowed female friends and customers who rang at all hours and on weekends too.

I wrote a huge post which was insipre as is often the case with greats inspiration the Internet ate it.

I parked a link on my newest thread about abusive and addictive relationships, the chemical side is explained. This is not applicable to your m but to your mum.

Anyone who looks down on you for job needs to take long hard at them selves. Work is work better you work than take a government hand out. Working from a young age shows your stronger than. You know.

[Calibri]

I just finished a great book called "Radical Acceptance - Embracing you life with the heart of a Buddha."

I thought of you when I finished reading it. While it's very spiritual as it's coming from a Buddhist stance, I came away with a lot of knowledge and tools about letting pain go, forgiving others, and perhaps more importantly, forgiving ourselves. It talks about meditation, opening our hearts and taking a look at ourselves and others with new perspectives.

Glad to read in your thread to Toots that you got your tree up. :-)

[Pink17]

Calibri,

I will look for the book, thank you for the hint. I believe in forgiveness and I already forgave the people that did hurt me in the past.

The main thing now is to treat the trauma and the most difficult for me is to forgive myself. Came to find out that I am punishing myself because it happen.

My tree is amazing. Is colorful, have many color lights and a lot of ornaments, with a big shining bright star at the top.

I am decorating the house too. It gets all Xmas around my first floor. I also hanged some lights outside, it looks great.

This Xmas needs to be special, I will enjoy every moment.

Hugs,
Pink

[Pink17]

Updating...

1st part of the night: went to my IC apt. It was painful, very hard. I told him in details about the spanking, which was many, many and a gazillion times more. I also told about the sexual abuse.

My IC was very kind, very open and very honest. A real gentleman. He was caring and yet straight to the point. He gave me the whole speech about not being hard on myself, forgiving the people that had that own demons and did this horrific things against me.

I told him I do not want to just talk about it. That going around the problem does not work for me. I am a straight forward person, if I get to it then I will go deep and resolve the issue.

He said it won't be resolved very fast. Next week we will start a program called Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR). It's an 8 phases program design to basically reprocess triggers, stimulus, causes, assemble of new memories over old ones, a new focus, and much more. It's a Trauma Treatment. Very often used to treat PTSD. It also addresses a large variety of psychological problems.

I checked for this online and I am very hopeful it will help me. I need to be patient, but with time I can became a new person.

So, I would say it went very well. Of course, my head almost explode, I cried so much my eyes are very swollen till now. But I got through, and I feel good.

I will keep you posted with my progress and how the treatment goes.

2nd part of the night: H at S14 Orchestra concert. S14 plays the Cello for many years.

I got to the school it was almost 7pm, when the concert was supposed to start. H was inside, standing. As soon as I showed up he waved and called me to sit with him.

Got there and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. We sat and he asked me:
- How are you doing?
- I am fine...no, I am not fine and I don't feel too good right now.
Tears just blow out of my eyes.
- What happen baby?
- I was with my IC and we were talking about the two major problems I have, the spanking and the abuse.
- Oh, honey. I know it's hard but it will be good for you. I know you can do it. H hugs me.
- Just please, do not feel so sorry for me.
- I'm not. But I am your friend and I have sympathy for what you are going through.
- Why it should be so hard and painful.
- I don't know. But I know you will get through it.


The concert starts and he stays very close to me, he leaned towards me. He also put his arm over my shoulders for a while.

During the concert he would turn and look at me. Sometimes I looked at him and smiled. There was a song from Lord of the Rings that I really love. I close my eyes to hear the violins crying (love it a lot) and H hold my arm, rubbing it gently.

Concert ended and we walked together to the hall. H mention that he is closer to get the promotion he was waiting for years. It's not final yet, but the politics have started.
H said he hopes things go well for "us". Then I said, if things goes well you may change countries. He looked at me and said that if it goes well I will be doing what I want to do.

Outside, we were still talking about his work when a friend stopped by. I was very happy to see her, we hugged and talked on how amazing it was to meet at the Concert.

The she asked: So, is this your H? And I hesitated, I was Ahhh... Ahhhh....Ahhhh... . Then H said, yes I am her husband. Nice to meet you. We talked a little more about the kids then she left.

H looked at me and asked me why I hesitate to say he is my H?

I looked at him and said, Oh please J..., you put me in a hard situation here. I laid my head on his shoulder

Then he said, you are my still my wife, you are my wife.

Then I said that the lady he just met is very nice, and that she also said I am very nice. I said that in a very girl way. Then I apologize for my silliness and H said to please don't apologize, that he loves when I am like this.

I keep thinking that it is all so crazy, his behavior is all mixed up. Maybe it's because DB is working. My IC said that he thinks H is seeing all my changes, my progress w/therapy and he is confused now. IC said that H still loves me but is afraid that this is not a permanent change. That he wants to be sure things will not only change but transform.

So, this was my night. I think it went well. I have a lot of headache and my eyes are hurting, but I feel somewhat good.

THE TRUTH IS THAT I WOULD NOT GET WERE I AM NO IF NOT FOR YOUR HELP. MAYBE IT SOUNDS NOT SO REAL, BUT IT IS. YOUR HELP IS WHAT IS SAVING ME. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

Hugs to all!
Pink

[Sotto]

Good luck with the EMDR therapy. I read about it in a really good book by David Servan-Screiber "Healing without Freud or Prozac" there is a chapter on it if you're interested. It was one of the less interesting chapters for me, as isn't so relevant to my life. But the book is great!

It sounds like your contact with your H is going well. He sounds very caring towards you. But remember not to worry too much about what he is doing and thinking right now. You are the priority here!

Sounds like you struck lucky with your IC!

Exchanged a couple of texts with H today. He asked how I was doing and how the flat is (he hasn't seen it) I gave a DB response "really busy with work and pre-Xmas social plans."

No other news from me....just really busy with work right now - but had lunch with some old friends yesterday, which was nice. :-)

[labug]

Hi Pink, I caught up a bit but I have to say this:

Maybe it's because DB is working. My IC said that he thinks H is seeing all my changes, my progress w/therapy and he is confused now. IC said that H still loves me but is afraid that this is not a permanent change. That he wants to be sure things will not only change but transform.

was what had to happen in my sitch. I had to slay all my past demons and my H had to see that my changes were real, that this was the new me.

I think you're doing great.