Yeah, I'm in the house and she left. The same fear of her second guessing everything later is with me too. Mainly its because it's total avoidance of everything for her. She has totally walked away from everything. Even the kids at first. That and she still wants the $$$ of what's left. At least that's what she said initially. I'm not letting down on this, it's part of separation. We've been in the house 10 years, so there's ton of stuff to go through. She's going to have to eventually do it anyway.
I sent her an email back saying I'm not comfortable with the approach she is taking with this. I said if she feels like she doesn't want to do it herself, ,I'll go through the stuff with some she designates. Trying to give her some options.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
MCS, How is it for you being in the house still? I know for myself it's really tough - reminders of the life we had everywhere. But it sounds like you're doing ok with it.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Interestingly enough, it hasn't been that bad. Some on here take pictures down and stuff, but I've kept just about everything around.
So, when W left, she packed just a suitcase. She's been in the house once and got some things, but everything else is still here including almost all of her clothes. You wouldn't think at all that she's not here. She keeps saying that she was waiting for her house to get the rest of her stuff, but now that she's settling on it, it still seems like she is avoiding coming back like the plague.
She told me something about her not feeling like its her home. Again, no real clue what that means; but I think it was in reference in her telling me that she had become someone that is not the 'real her'. I guess she associates the house with her 'old life.'
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
My stbxw did and said the same things...it appears to be a script WASs tend to go through. I used to wonder why she felt the way she did. Now i don't.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Yeah, I realized that for the last year or so, she 'acted' like everything was just fine. I think I know why she didn't feel comfortable in the house or me, because she was spending a lot of her time and effort trying to cover up EA/PA. I just hope she can get out of her fog now that that R seems to be over.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Changing the environment, what does it do for you?
It is lots of GAL points especially if Chums, family, come yielding a paintbrush or screwdriver, add a pizza... It shows you've made a change to yourself and the world It reclaims your space and freshens, great for PMA
H and I live in the same house but 1. I have painted, just white with a hint of white over white 2. Decluttered the kitchen cupboards, thrown away broken crocks, glasses and out of date food 3. Deep cleaned carpets, washed windows and curtains, scrubbed stone floors 4. Replaced light bulbs, broken lamps, sockets, cleaned lamps and shades 5. Generally repaired broken stuff 6. Removed trees which blocked light, weeded garden, replaced broken fence, winter flowering pansies 7. Took down pictures of 'us' and replaced with pictures of family including H grandchildren 8. Swapped pictures around 9. Got a cleaner and gardener to maintain 10. Repainted wooden window sills 11. Put the house on the market
Next (thanks gg) shoes and clothes
Why? I am showing acceptance, I want a new life with or without H Stopping memory triggers It's great GAL Good for my PMA Looks and smells better It prepares for moving
Fits my interpretation of Sandi guidelines perfectly and can create a new vision of home which may make your W comfortable with.
A 180 A tidier Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/12/1408:59 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yeah, I actually have been doing stuff around the house, its always been something I've enjoyed. I've upgraded stuff, added under counter lights, all kinds of other things. What I meant in my post that the W's stuff is all still here.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
It looks like the environment is going to change. W sent an email that SIL is coming over tomorrow to go through our stuff. I guess, it was an option that I gave her, but still is ridiculous that we are at this point.
SIL is actually the best person I could think to do it. She's close to both of us, has lived with us before and the last I talked to her ~3 months ago was just as concerned with my W's actions as most people.
I'm kinda mad that W asked her to do this, but that's not my responsibility. I realize that this is probably as tough for SIL as its going to be for me. I just need to keep a PMA and lighthearted through it.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Not sure why you're mad? You are separating and you offered this option. Your W just went with it. I wonder if you were hoping she'd say "Fine, I'll do it myself". Don't get into a power struggle with your W, some passive aggressive way of making her do things without asking directly. It's destructive, but more importantly it's not something you would want in an actual relationship.
Also, be very, very careful not to let on too much to your SIL. Everything you say will be reported to your W, as close as you may feel to your SIL. Act as if your W is in the room: you didn't want this separation, but you're moving on, you look happy. The payoff will be much higher than in your interactions with your W because it will be reported by a third person to her. "He looks great, like he's moving on." The idea is to give her the impression that you're coming on top, that you're attractive and have an interesting life. This will be extraordinarily difficult, but a crucial step in your sitch. Go for the Academy Award. Courage.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks, you're right. I guess I did have some expectations that W would have started to deal with some of the things she needs to deal with for working her emotional issues. The avoidance of everything in her old life is wearing on me. That combined with this whole feeling unsafe with me is starting to affect me. A friend of mine keeps explaining it as the fact that she is threatened by me. Although it's not how I think of threatening. She says that W is confused and probably struggling. When I act as if I'm moving on, its causing just the reaction that is needed for DB. I guess the word unsafe is what was getting to me, but really it's probably that I'm going to be just fine when she is feeling she is struggling, IDK.
Also, thanks for the 2x4 for what my should be mood in it. Since I had someone that I sort of trust and was seemingly seeing things the way I see it in the R, I probably would have pushed the DB aside because it wasn't directly with the W. That would have been a bad move.
Last edited by MCS; 12/13/1412:59 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
