Moving Out but moving on?

[edz]

Previous Thread

Either I'm typing a lot (probably) or these threads are getting shorter before they lock (probably not). Part 4 of this journey - see the link above for the previous thread.

So was S's birthday yesterday. Had the day off work and had to deal with a load of moving issues first thing which was just as well as he was at MIL's opening his presents from W and others (not me). Met up at the park with W, S and a friend of his and he opened his presents from me (flat is in a state as its being packed up so even if W had been happy with him coming here probably wouldn't have done that) W surprised me by saying it was ok if I came along last night to get Pizza with S and his friends (and their mums) wasn't an overwhelming invitation but its time with S on his birthday I'll take it.

W went off to MILs and S and I went out for a couple of hours, we had our own birthday lunch and a mooch around the shops, S called my dad to say thanks for his present and then I took him back to MIL's so they could see him before his evening out.

Later met up at the restaurant for Pizza and a good time was had by the kids and the parents. W was chatting with them, I deliberately did not focus on W but tried my best to mingle when I wasn't talking to S or helping with the kids which is a 180 for me as I would have fixated on her and excluded everyone else unless necessary.

Was a little upset as W told me FIL hadn't been well in the afternoon so they hadn't really done anything with S, I think he built his lego which is good but if W had told me that I could have had him longer in the day, but I let it go - I went to the evening with S which was worth more than the argument would get me.

Back to the flat for about 8 which felt its usual empty / chaotic / oppressive and, at the moment, flipping freezing self. We're having almost constant cloud and rain here right now which brings me down at the best of times, right now it's just one more weight pressing in on me. Will be glad to get away from it in a lot of ways but it still feels like the costs involved in all this (over £300 just for removals) and W's commitment to year-long utility contracts moving in here means this is an end - maybe not the end but something making it all that little bit harder to come back from.

Part of me has started to wonder is that best and should I just move on to someone else but I think that's just my loneliness crying out for another person to share life with and be near on cold nights and not connected to me not loving W, a sure recipe for a disaster in any future relationship!

So today back to work, need to tie down some more moving issues then go out this evening for more packing boxes, only 10 days to removals men! Arghhh.

[edz]

More packing / splitting stuff today. Was doing ok sorted out the order for the new internet access and working on things ready but then found not only a huge stash of christmas and birthday cards that had been saved (by me) and had a christmas card in which W had written "you are the best present I have or could ever get" plus all our first emails printed out.

Finding it hard to bounce back from that. Packed it away and resisted any urge to look at the others.

Before that W had been texting me again telling me what S has been buying with his birthday money and joking. Wasnt going to bite and then start texting to be told I'm texting or emailing too much. Have only replied to let her know information on the insurance policy she needs to take over for this flat and some details on utilities etc.

Feel lousy now. Driving myself nuts wondering how we got from the day she wrote that to today where I'm alone and just hoping she returns while trying to make a goal in my life to detach from a woman I've loved for 15 years. Wow what a great place my life has got to.

Tired, low and feeling it's all utterly pointless tonight.

[jim0987]

So some valuable lessons there I would guess.

1) don't torture yourself with old cards
2) when you text, respond only (if at all) and on the same topic. Don't bring up move and D stuff unless you have to.

Mate, I get how you feel maybe not exactly but I'd guess pretty darn close. But you'll be fine just go easy on yourself. There's enough rubbish to contend with without you beating yourself up. One of my mates would at this point tell me to stop wallowing in my own crepulance.

Its not pointless anyway:
- you have 15 ish years of good memories
- you've learnt what it is to love. Some people never know true love.
- your going to use the experience to make yourself better
- you have S10 and you can be the good male role model for him that he needs (my lack of one of those screwed me up)
- you've got years ahead to build a better life
- once you move you won't gave to deal with MIL and you can have a proper man cave if that's what you want.

And if it were pointless the answer would be central African republic (ed: obscure UK TV reference)

[edz]

Hi Jim

I knew it was a mistake to look as I did it, just of late she'd only written happy christmas or whatever, I had to open the ones that she'd written this in.

Love your pointless comment, thanks.

Always grateful for S, moving is something W is looking forward to much more than me. Im doing it from necessity (your comment on MIL is true though). None of it is appealing to me and whilst once I'd have loved to build my projector system or a game room or get a synth recording area set up, none of it appeals now and I'd rather do without all those things if I could have my family back, just not an option though.

Suppose beating myself up is a side effect of the whole changing yourself thing, since its only you you can change then its only you you can blame. Definitely not the right thing to think but I do find myself slipping into it.

Also with W and S's birthdays out of the way I'm next and all I have to look forward to is a visit from virgin broadband installers on my birthday, no one will be taking me to dinner or making me a birthday breakfast and when thats done its christmas which, right now, I'm trying to figure out how to get through with my sanity in place.

[edz]

Well will head for bed shortly which will upset the cat as she just realised her evenings ambition to curl up alongside me (has to be full length alongside me on the sofa not on me, next to me, on me, nearby, no...has to be full length in parallel or she's not reaching ultimate purring happiness)

Ah well, at least someone in the place is happy I suppose :P

[jim0987]

She knows what she wants and takes responsibility for her own happiness.

We really can learn from cats...

[edz]

Ha! yes, you're not wrong there.

Both of the cats had me up before 7 since they decided it was breakfast time now! Slightly worried about one of them since she's technically W's cat and is staying here when W returns. Thing is cat is 17 years old and has some issues recognises the litter tray over say, the carpet 4 times a day. Now muggins just vaxes the floor, last time I was away for a few days and cat did this I came back to dabbed up sections where W had used a towel (and put it in detol to soak afterwards) leaving the vax for her (W not cat) but I wonder how long W will put up with properly cleaning the floor 3 times a day before the cat ends up being fed on the balcony and living outdoors!

[edz]

Hi guys looking for advice today.

As you know I'll be finishing up packing and moving soon (joy - not) and I've been separating out tech' and trying to be fair in leaving W any tech' I don't need to make sure she and S have music, a games console, split the music etc.

I have found and got out of storage her music system (the cd doesn't work but I'm also leaving her a freeview dvd recorder which can play cd's etc.) she's also having sky hd (satelite tv for those in the US) installed early in December.

My question is that she's always left cabling and connectivity to me and I know if I don't wire up the stereo etc she'll get her dad to do it who, to my knowledge, hasn't successfully finished any job he's started since 2008. Since S will be here and would like to have music etc do I help them out or is it best W finds what life is like without me doing such things?

Torn since I don't want S to have nothing to enjoy here, he will of course get to use all my systems when he comes round but I don't want to be seen to be using him to say look its great here but unpleasant [changed for censor] with your mum. Likewise W insists she hasnt decided to go for good yet but just wants space to sit and think without everyone (read MIL) telling her what to do and when and to do it with whom.

Any advice? I don't want to be a doormat but I'd like to avoid being a prat just because I'm feeling abandoned, hurt and unwanted.

[jim0987]

I'm not great at that doormat / petty obstructive line. But in this case I'd say leave it for her to do.

[edz]

W's new bed got delivered today, crammed that in and around all the boxes and disruption Im living with at the moment. She texted me yesterday morning to ask was the time ok which it was as Im working from home in a vain attempt to have time to finish organising the other 200 things I need to do before next week. Then had radio silence until last night when she asked was I taking S to his card event this week (he didn't go last time as it was a fireworks / Halloween party). Happy to do it even if, as Ive said its a 20 minute drive, a 3 hour wait and a 20 minute drive really (probably why I get to do it) its time with S though so I jump at it.

Other than that had an email thanking me for the info I supplied on utilities and updates on broadband etc (they write to me as the current occupier checking Im not having my service stolen or maliciously cut off) and I gave her some info she asked me for on Sky Satellite boxes. Also told her I'd been through all the filing cabinet and pedestal documents and split those up and put her details in the filing cabinet thats being left, mentioned some mementos and letters she'd written to me and that I hadn't thrown them away just put them in a box and can hopefully get them out later, hoped it would be an allegory for the future. Probably too sappy but at this point in time thought nuts to it, if she hasnt seen Im getting on with things after all this work, sorting myself, getting another car, splitting up everything, finding a new place and being on the brink of moving (when she has made a few calls, got the DSS to agree to housing benefit and ordered, well, a bed and not much else) then DB isnt going to phase her at this point.

May work when she's away from Emperor Palpatine herself may not I've been dreading this move and still am to an extent but when its all done and this blasted season of forced family merriment is over hopefully I can settle, get a new sofa in the new year (Ive got one with a busted spring and no money to replace it) and just spend time with S and relax.

Now I wonder whats going to happen next to wreck that idea...