Yeah ... strangely ... its been some time since D has come up and in a strange way, I am completely at peace right now. I restated my stance and she knows I am against the D, I did acknowledge and told her I respected her choice. Left it at that ... as far as I am concerned there is no R to talk about so why do it? She chose her path, I am steadily walking on mine. Maybe she catches up .. maybe not but today my eyes are forward and not looking back. Hard to explain but I feel strong and in control .. like I decided to get off the rollercoaster for a round or two and letting her stay on it as long as she would like .... I will go over and shoot those rubber ducks for a bit ... GAL do my thing let her sort herself out.
As far as the Holidays .... yeah its going to be a space/detach event for me really .... They have been tough for me for a bit ..2011 she was out of work... .2012 first with out my father, 2013 she left .. first one alone... 2014 I have accepted the situation and plan to go for a Harley ride, do my own thing .... past sadness .. feels like I channeled that hurt and anger today to move on and keep doing the things that make me feel good, I feel God is with me, he has my M and W, His plan is much better than mine... obviously I made a mess and he is attempting clean up on aisle 3.
obviously I made a mess and he is attempting clean up on aisle 3.
"We" made a mess, Cali.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Cali - You are so strong. I don't understand how a spouse can just be so stoic, aloof and rude. We just love them and hope for the best. I pray for you and your family.
I know they're (WAS) lost and it is so difficult to stand there and really try to be there but not be there. KWIM?
Anyway, I commend your strength and spirit. You know God will always work things out for the good - Stand on His Promises... Romans 8:28
Fears: Just getting them out there .. maybe I can conquer these soon. I am scared that the woman I loved and married is gone and may never come back
I think I am more scared the woman I loved and married is in love with OM, and when she comes out of the fog and combines the old her and the new her, she will chose OM over me.
I fear my S will never have the stable "normal" home/family .. it will be broken, sure I may find someone, but it will not be his mother, it will not be the same, holidays from now till I die will not be what I want for him, he will have to chose/compromise for his entire life.
I just wanted these out .... yesterday, was surreal .. I felt so amazingly strong and empowered .. today I have just been a bit indifferent. I was at my RCIA class last night and we discussed Reconciliation ... the time has come for me, I have to schedule an appt with the Priest and confess my sins ... ALL of them. I have many, many I know are the run of the mill .. and some that I am just so ashamed of, I know this was all for me to break down the door and become the man He meant me to be .... but this hurdle is huge personally for me... I have done things that I regret and am sorry for .. and just plain ashamed of.
So after that class, I decided to take some time and just read The Book ... a few chapters in S called, later than normal and then I realized W has him today as there is no school. They were on the bed, listening to audio books, she was telling him to tell me all about it, adding details .. I miss her, and that loving way she has about her ... if anything atleast it is still there and with S.
So today all quiet .. no contact from her, she seems to be very distant this past week, other than her asking about taking on BIL#3 kids ... but with all things I am sure I said things she will process ... she has her Christmas party Sat, we will just wait and see if any movement/change happens ... till then I am just plugging along, feeling ok at the moment.
I am scared that the woman I loved and married is gone and may never come back
I fear my S will never have the stable "normal" home/family .. it will be broken, sure I may find someone, but it will not be his mother, it will not be the same, holidays from now till I die will not be what I want for him, he will have to chose/compromise for his entire life.
Cali I feel the same way about my H and kids. And since D papers are apparently on the way for me I'm trying to accept the likelihood that all of this will occur in my Sitch. Just keep trying to do the best you can with your S ( as you already are), and focus on you. It's all we can do at this point.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
The thing about them is that they are not under your control. No one knows what the future holds, so, it's best to live in the moment and not get ahead of yourself, right?
The great thing about reconciliation is that He forgives it all. You get to start anew. Pretty cool, yea?
I know you miss her, C. I know that's tough.
She is processing stuff. So, she heard you about not wanting a divorce, no need to say that again. My guess is that she didnt like you kind of calling her out about Saturday.
OM generally tend to be band aids. The fact that your W seems to have broken up with him what? 3 or 4 times? I'd take that as a good sign.
She stays in touch with you, she shares stuff with you (No not the stuff you THINK you want to hear) but little things. She is involving you. Call it cake eating call it whatever the f you want too, I'd also take that as a good sign. Alot of spouses don't take this as a sign that this is an MLC. Cause she is confused.
As for your son if this goes to a divorce, and I really get the feeling that if you get a divorce its going to be because YOU ran out patience. You're going to find out that the LBS almost always has more control of the situation than anyone who first comes here realizes.
If this goes to a divorce, you aren't going to settle for just anyone in your next relationship. You might be surprised at just how well a family you can make AFTER a divorce.
Last God is a jerk. He seldom gives us what we want. But almost always what we need. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Reconciliation will help unload a lot, and you are wise to continue your faith journey. Seek Him with all your heart. He wants you to be complete and whole in HIM. He loves you!
Do you have adoration at your church?
I know during this season of Advent it is an opportunity to know Him better. I would suggest that you go to adoration and just be there, be still and listen. Nothing to distract you and nothing to interfere with your time with our Lord. It can be 5 minutes or an hour. Feel His presence.
Know that He wants only the best for you and sometimes it isn't what we want or think is best for us. HIS plan is ALWAYS better.
Believe and stand on His promises for you.
Does your church have Jeff Cavins Bible Study? It is a Catholic Bible study on different parts of the Bible. Right now, our church is offering it and I love it. I did the Great Bible Timeline, Galatians, and now Revelation. It has really opened my eyes to my faith. I also went through RCIA many years ago but getting closer to our Lord and never letting go has helped me through some really tough times (like now :))
Proverbs 3: 5-6
Jeremiah 29:11
Psalm 27
Romans 8:28
Praying for you... Remember show your W and your S - Jesus. Be Jesus to them. Your S is especially watching how you are handling all of this and he loves both of you. Being like Jesus is not easy but so worth it. You are evangelizing. Keep it up my friend.
The thing about them is that they are not under your control. No one knows what the future holds, so, it's best to live in the moment and not get ahead of yourself, right?
The great thing about reconciliation is that He forgives it all. You get to start anew. Pretty cool, yea?
I know you miss her, C. I know that's tough.
She is processing stuff. So, she heard you about not wanting a divorce, no need to say that again. My guess is that she didnt like you kind of calling her out about Saturday.
You are doing great, Cal. Really and truly.
I think I just wanted to get them .. out.. put down somewhere. Since I did put them down I can atleast start working on them and give them some thought. And yeah .. out of my control, I can not fix this alone, and the more I thought about it yesterday the more I realized its wasted energy.
Yeah I do sense (ha .. see that's like mind reading on a Jedi level!!) that she is working through things. There really seems to be a new softness to her as of late. Not that it means I can retire the spew jacket .. but simple things like yesterday I asked where to pick up S .. her reply was "My place is that ok?" ... this morning driving to her place to drop off S I received a TM "Drive safe its raining" ... and there was a softness about her eyes/look this morning ... little flashes of the old W I used to know.... and its better than "I hate you I wish you would die"
OM generally tend to be band aids. The fact that your W seems to have broken up with him what? 3 or 4 times? I'd take that as a good sign.
Jack .. thank you for this post .. I read it about 3 times and with your experience and wisdom it really did alot for me. I agree that the on/off thing is good, the little bits of info during the spew gave me insight... but rather than focus on her and OM I try to keep it on my and S, that's what I can do .. that's what I can control.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
She stays in touch with you, she shares stuff with you (No not the stuff you THINK you want to hear) but little things. She is involving you. Call it cake eating call it whatever the f you want too, I'd also take that as a good sign. Alot of spouses don't take this as a sign that this is an MLC. Cause she is confused.
You are right ... and this part I have thought about and I guess I was not really appreciating it. She does share, she shared the funeral service stuff yesterday, shared her BIL3 stuff... granted its not the level that she did when we were together, but she does come to me and involves me. Silver linings that I did not really notice before.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
As for your son if this goes to a divorce, and I really get the feeling that if you get a divorce its going to be because YOU ran out patience. You're going to find out that the LBS almost always has more control of the situation than anyone who first comes here realizes.
This ... well it may be crazy but it did make me feel alot better. I am not going anywhere at the moment ... stubbornly sitting on this rock watching the bobber in the water ... nibble .. nibble ... check the bait and recast ... wait .. wait. Just observing the best I can without getting sucked up in the chaos. I do have to be better at when she gets into that depressed state to stay out of it a bit. Seems that was the only time she would allow me close and I was all to eager to jump in SEAL style.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
If this goes to a divorce, you aren't going to settle for just anyone in your next relationship. You might be surprised at just how well a family you can make AFTER a divorce.
Last God is a jerk. He seldom gives us what we want. But almost always what we need. : )
Yeah I suppose you are right ... I cringe at thinking about all the issues I would bring into a new relationship, with the W or with someone new. Not going to worry about that for now .. plate is full enough. 1 day at a time .. rinse/repeat.
God .. well He does seem to be fully inplace and working in my life, I have been much more aware as of late. My faith and trust has increased, W and my M are in his hands .. either way I have accepted what His will is going to deliver.
