So I have given it up, the "So you don't have to lie" statement ... was more towards a little frustration that she is hanging onto this birthday party like that is only/main the reason, I just felt she should know I know, stop lying .. I get it. I should have just not mentioned it at all I know.
I get it. You're human and you expressed pain. She bit back when you did say that.
But let me ask you something - did it have the necessary effect you wanted? Did you feel better? Did you feel you sent the message that you needed to? Do you feel she heard that message?
My guess is no to the above after about 30 seconds.
This goes back to YOUR growth. To YOUR looking back. I don't blame you - it hurts. Been there. Done that. Expecting the t-shirt before long
Since you know it hurts, now what to do about it?
AJ
P.S. Hint: it's supposed to hurt, Cali. If it didn't, you wouldn't have cared if she left or not. Heck, it could have been you that left if that was the case and you wouldn't be here now. It's not about the pain per se - it's about what you do with it. Do you return it? Do you internalize it? Act like it never happened? Wait for a time when you can bring it up? If ever? What other options do you have?
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
AJ I will reply back in a bit .. on my way out the door. I was reading other threads ... W TM me .. "I need to speak to you about something. What time are you availible? 5 min tops"
Here I was thinking how I have been detaching and doing better, feeling stronger .. that text made my heart jump. Thankfully I am off to a meeting, no way I can talk to her for a few hours ... nor will I reply to the text for some time.
Breathe ... this detaching thing is rough stuff .... oh look butterfly.
"Breathe ... this detaching thing is rough stuff .... oh look butterfly."
Yes it sure is. I'm stealing a little of your strength CG and some others until I find my own.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
First off, I would like to apologize, I believe I read your post incorrectly; mostly.
My take was that the Tree set you off and that was the reason you weren't going to open presents with your seven year old son on Christmas. That putting up that tree was her choice and because of it you weren't going to be there and making that her choice as well.
That type of thinking upsets me. I'm all about ownership of the reasons the LBS is here, as it is NOT all about the MLCers, we all had fingers in the pie.
I jumped sooner than I should have and I apologize.
I still believe that Christmas morning should be with your seven year old if you have the opportunity. You don't have a whole lot of Christmas's where he is going to believe in the magic of the day.
A few things.
Calling her out on lying...and by that I mean a lie of omission, or you know her not telling you everything. Will push her away.
And if she did tell you the truth (or what you believe is the truth) how would you have reacted?
"Thank you wife, thank you for your honesty, I truly hope you have a wonderful evening"
Or do you see an argument, fight happening?
How do you actually see that panning out if she said, I'm going to the party and OM will be there.
With separate present for your son, are they going to be from both of you or Santa, or will her presents be only from her and your presents only from you?
Last,
"I know...but..."
If you going to do something or do something that you know better at least stop saying the I know part of it.
That sort of drives us a little crazy.
Thank you for the vet comment, and your welcome, just pay it forward when you can.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Detaching is an internal struggle, your head and heart are in a constant wrangle with each other, allowing your head to rule for a while is a challenge that I know you can step up to and win -
You are doing great ..... I have noticed a HUGE leap since I first started reading your threads, I am hopeful that I will follow your lead and learn to walk again too. Love FF :o)
Yeah you are right about the Christmas party. All the sceneros would hurt me, #1 She is going with OM, #2 She is going, without me. Anyway ya slice it .. yeah .. it hurts. I gave it some thought the past few days, added with your angle and yeah, nothing I can do regardless I was/am just frustrated at the amount of lying she has developed over the past year, but when she has told the truth its just as if not more painful to hear to be honest.
As far as Christmas, I do not know. I just don't. I am not at that detached point where I can see myself at her place being the fake family, watching S knowing everything now over the past year. Last year I was totally in the dark about it all, the Holidays admittedly have brought up alost of these emotions I was doing well with ... Halloween started it off, then more for Thanksgivings .. now dreaded Christmas. I pray that I am given the tools to handle this all with grace. will be up at her folks, and that would be just fine with me that he is around family even if I am not there, then he and I can do something when he gets back, I would be ok with that.
Lou
Thank you for those words. yeah ... I am currently just trying not to tail spin into the darkness .. update to follow.
The TM from W about when I would have 5 minutes tops ... I reply I was up north with clients and would be able to talk later in the evening ... she replies with "I've given it more thought. It's fine. No need to discuss."
So I left it at that and went about my day.
Then she TM "Are you back in town?" I replied that I was, she asks if she can call, I decide .. sure I am at a place I can go ahead and talk now.
So ... the call was concerning BIL#3 (In jail) kids .. S9 and D15 the mother is not the greatest ... not married. Well not being given the specifics there is a chance somehow that W is looking to foster these 2 as the mother may be doing some jail time herself. She asked me about our S, and the impact it may have and my thoughts. I was very supportive, told her I think what she was signing up for was a big task, but that I thought it was a good thing, as far as the impact on S.. I too was concerned but felt he is grounded and a good kid and I think it may end up being a positive impact for him. I told her I would support her in any way I could if she decided to do this as family is very important.
So then she brings up "Well what about our sitch" ... I told her at this moment I am not in a place I can really talk about us, I am focused on me, maybe somewhere down the line we could discuss us. She kept pressing and said something to the fact that when she decides I will no longer support this decision, I then said something like .. sounds like you already have decided. I then re-stated I did not want a D, respected her decision but its not something I want. She told me she has not opened up to me in 5 years, can not force the feelings that are not there, few more nuggets about our R I can not recall.... then said something about the Reconciliation meeting that last Saturday in church that she did hear the man. I told her I was not going to discuss us or the R ... other than I am agianst the D.
No screaming or yelling .. but its like she is so cold and business like about it. I am not spinning, it does seem to be a cycle. At the least there has not been a "I hate you you ruined my life" but this "I have not opened up to you in 5 years "
So .. I have once again had to state I do not want a D, I think I was good in my stance that I would support her if she took on these 2 kids, I do think she is going to need alot of help if she were to take this on .... but I also do not believe this would ever really happen. I did not get upset nor emotional at any point, even though I felt myself just wanting to tell her we are not close because she has shoved me away. I do get the sense OM is back in the picture and things must be good at the moment. Time will tell ... this roller coaster continues but I do feel for now I am just watching her on it as I have hopped off for this round.
I get it. You're human and you expressed pain. She bit back when you did say that.
But let me ask you something - did it have the necessary effect you wanted? Did you feel better? Did you feel you sent the message that you needed to? Do you feel she heard that message?
I did not do it for a reaction... but as Jack later pointed out .. the truth would hurt more than her not telling all to be honest.
Originally Posted By: AJM
This goes back to YOUR growth. To YOUR looking back. I don't blame you - it hurts. Been there. Done that. Expecting the t-shirt before long
Since you know it hurts, now what to do about it?
AJ
P.S. Hint: it's supposed to hurt, Cali. If it didn't, you wouldn't have cared if she left or not. Heck, it could have been you that left if that was the case and you wouldn't be here now. It's not about the pain per se - it's about what you do with it. Do you return it? Do you internalize it? Act like it never happened? Wait for a time when you can bring it up? If ever? What other options do you have?
Yeah ... I think that is part of this ... Detach so you are not so emotionally vested, Keeping it for later use .. what is the purpose there>?... at some point you are still tethered to this ball in a way so some things still sting. I am not sure what to do with the pain, its mine, returning it does no good, internalizing .. same ... letting it out here seems to be my only expression and I have grown and been better in my stay here.
That seems a far cry from "I hate you" and "you...." doesn't it?
Seems she is working through some things as well, no?
To me, that's an acknowledgement that the old marriage is dead and was long before any "event". Can't go back to that. Either of you.
She's learning. She has a long way to go. So do you but things aren't standing still.
Go easy on yourself regarding the holidays. If you need space, then take the space. You do need to detach from the outcome. You'll always be tethered in some way to her, no matter the outcome. Unavoidable, Cali. You have a son. You have history. It is how it is, my friend. Doesn't mean you have to "fake" anything. But maybe you can reframe things?
All in all, what she did does have the good side of showing the problems that you two had. No matter what happens next, you won't have that kind of marriage. That's a plus for both of you no matter how you slice it. Maybe even a silver lining?
You said you were against D. You said now is not a good time to talk about the R. Let that sit for a while, but if you made a promise to talk, then be sure to keep that promise.
Happiness lies somewhere between how things should be and how they actually are, Cali. Something to think about
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
