How to start rebuilding? - 2

[Hoju]

Why can't I just move on? There is a very attractive girl at work who keeps throwing herself at me. We've been friends for years and laugh all the time as well as share many of the same interests. Why am I not excited to get to know her better? Get to know her family and friends? Or even simply just sleep with her? I feel nothing for her, I enjoy our time together but if she quit tomorrow and I never saw her again I wouldn't care.

My W cheated on me, she is happily with someone else, what's wrong with me? why can't I just let it go and move on?

[Mozza]

The simple answer is that your W started detaching months ago, if not more. Also, you facilitated the process by pursuing and begging, which is not attractive. Now, you're just starting to detach and, on top of it, she makes herself very attractive by being unattainable and with OM. Of course, it's going to be hard for you until you focus elsewhere. The main reason you're not attracted to this girl at work is likely that your attachment to your W is still very strong, but I suspect that the fact that she's 'throwing herself at you" is not helping. Be patient with yourself.

[Hoju]

Well it's been over a week so I figured I should post something. Nothing much has changed in my sitch, it's been very quiet from WAW's camp and as I'm not initiating any contact very quiet on my end too.

W broke the silence today with a text to tell me she is having the gas company send me a rebate cheque, not sure why she is having it sent to me but what ever. Nothing special but was still nice to hear from her, I just texted back really short "ok thanks".

Still crazy busy 2 hockey and 2 soccer games this week, saw the new hobbit movie with BIL yesterday, work xmas party tomorrow and I'm planning for the first time ever attending the after party. I told another friend about my split and he told me another mutual friend had just split with his W as well, I reached out to him and we are getting a beer next week to commiserate together. Other then that pretty quiet, no desire to play video games any more and my french is coming along quite nicely, I'm picking up much more when my friends speak.

Thanks everyone for your support I'll continue to watch others and keep up on weekly logs. Of course I'll post more frequently if anything W related changes.

[jim0987]

Hi Hoju

Keeping yourself crazy busy is a really good thing to do, the distraction will help.

I know exactly what you mean though about the video games. stuff i used to enjoy doing like that or watching certain TV shows they just dont hold my attention or relax me like they used to.

Can you remind me what your 180s are and how you think you contributed to the problems in your marriage. its helpful to get a sense of how your doing on these

[Hoju]

Thanks for the reply Jim, it's been quite awhile since I've evaluated my progress and reviewed my flaws and 180s.

A very large part of our problems was my video game addiction. I never realized I had an addiction until I lost my W. I had a good job, loving family, a very nice house, money in the bank, loads of friends, beautiful wife and played dozen of sports, how could I possibly have an addiction? Only junkies without real lives have addictions, mine was nothing more then a hobby. Now looking back I can't believe I didn't see just how highly rated games were on my life tree and because of that how badly I treated my W and neglected her feelings, she was a real trooper to hang on as long as she did. She went to bed alone pretty much every night because I would stay up playing, I would turn her down for sex if it was going to interrupt my game time, I made her wait if she wanted to talk about something until I was finished, I was a pain in the ass every time she wanted to go somewhere, I even choose to play games when she got stuck in a snow bank and needed my help.

My 180 for most of this have been easy, I simply just quit playing video games the same day W told me she was done. I wiped my computer, joined an online gaming addiction forum for support, confessed to my W that I had a problem and was seeking help and I started seeing an IC. I've filled my time with more productive hobbies like learning french, working out, more closely managing my stock portfolio and reading.

Without video games I've become a "yes" man, games made me say no or be difficult if i had to do things that would take away from game time. Being a yes man has given me plenty of great stories to tell and many new friends. It was tough at first, I remember my head screaming why are you doing this? I remember the fear of the unknown, but I would get through it and saying yes is becoming more natural now and I'm learning to accept the fear with the excitement of not knowing how a night will turn out.

Another problem was I stopped being a good person. I felt the world owed me because of my fertility issues and my dad leaving. I was spiteful and negative and my W would feed off of that being a naturally negative person herself. I've been trying to always stay positive and help people. I began regularly donating blood, I helped a friend paint and another friend hang some shelves and pictures, I even filled a coworkers windshield washer fluid on my lunch because she didn't know how. I've accepted that the world doesn't owe me anything and my choices are my own (my IC has helped a lot with this), life isn't always easy but it's very important to keep smiling and hold your head high.

W would also complain that I wasn't there for her and that she would go to anyone for support rather then me. I've just tried to validate her concerns and listen to her feelings when she speaks. She was very emotional over the sale of our home and I just tried to make sure I was there as a friend to listen and offer comfort.

I probably don't deserve a second chance with my W and I'm ok with that, I'm living with my actions and moving forward as a better person. I do however remain hopeful that one day she will come around and want to work on us.

[Hoju]

I signed the final separation agreement today. It was not easy, like finally giving up after a long fight. I figured I would wait until after Christmas to return it to W.

Just feeling pretty low today.

[JCred]

Why can't I just move on? There is a very attractive girl at work who keeps throwing herself at me. We've been friends for years and laugh all the time as well as share many of the same interests. Why am I not excited to get to know her better? Get to know her family and friends? Or even simply just sleep with her? I feel nothing for her, I enjoy our time together but if she quit tomorrow and I never saw her again I wouldn't care.

Many times people with low self esteem subconsciously think that since I don't even like myself, there must be something WRONG with HER if she can like someone as low as me....

[Hoju]

Thanks JC, I think you might be right about my low self esteem. I try to hide it but I think deep down I under value myself. I'm going to my friends house today to help her hang some pictures and shut off her outside water. Moving forward with my life becoming the good person I want to be.

Had an awesome Christmas eve hanging out with my family. It's so important to have a great family in these hard times, something that tends to get forgotten in the good times. Every family get together I nominate myself as babysitter, which I love. My back and neck are a bit sore from being a horsey to 3 kids but it's worth it
Merry Christmas everyone.

[Hoju]

Nothing much has changed in my sitch. I moved into my new place on friday maybe i can get my life settled down alittle now. I signed the final version of the separation agreement over the holidays and will deliver it to W after work tonight, it might very well be the last time I ever see her so I should be prepared.

I guess I should just stick with the standard answers tell her I'm doing good.

She often asks if there is anything I want to talk about, how should I answer this? My gut would be to just tell her nothing as nothing I say will change anything.

Anything else I should be prepared for tonight? It might be just a simple "here you go" "bye".

[jim0987]

How's the new place? Are you able to make it 'yours'?

More importantly how are you getting on with the changes you've decided to make?

And finally how did the delivery go?