Plain vanilla #2

[Vanilla]

Just been decking the halls with boughs of holly. Another 180, I usually really go to town at Xmas. I have boxes and boxes of Xmas decorations in all colours, some of which are my grandparents from when they were children. It's a time to remember for me.

This year a token something, no tree. We have a spiral staircase and usually it is lit and full of wonderful Xmas baubles and trinkets. Not this year, but I have to have some things. I have bought cheap things I will throwaway. Ok they will go to the office next year. This is house not a home.

But my fellow travellers there will be declicious smells of Xmas, cinnamon, clove, ginger, orange, tangerine and frankincense. The real deal not of the puff stuff. Last year I raided Harrods for its left over Xmas oils. They have been kept safe and oh the deliciousness.

There is holly which this year is full of berries and ivy which is full of spiders taken from the frosted garden. I couldn't find the secateurs H used them last and he uses the random method of putting things away. Warning: holly doesn't cut with pinking sheers or pliers, I tried. You have to borrow proper tools if yours are missing.

It is our staff Xmas Party today so I have done the deed as everyone repairs after the lunch repast to our house for coffee brandy and chocs. Xmas music and good cheer.

I can't drink as I am on antib, alcohol is a risk to be taken only if I am prepared to undertake a full organ transplant. H will be around and I don't drink when he drinks. Besides I have to go cochair a GAanon meeting tonight. A clash of GAL! So much of it flowing in my direction. How mega wonderful.

Unable to connect until tomorrow.
Have great GAL until then!
Vanilla

[Ggrass]

Nice and Christmassy by the sounds van.

Lets hope it's all goes well and your teeth are fixed soon.

[edz]

Oooo love spiral staircases, it all sounds brilliantly, authentically seasonal to me.

I was planning on being Mr Grinch but have put up a tree with S (W has all our decorations and I didnt have the heart to split them) and we bought some new ones just for S and I.

Haven't put any holly up though, like that idea.

[gan]

Hi Vanilla,

I've seen your wise words on other people's threads so stopped by to catch up on your story. Have to confess, there were a few tears. It's hard reading this board sometimes. So many great people experiencing such difficult times. I wish you well in this journey. Your Christmas house sounds amazing!

In regards to your teeth troubles - my dad is a dentist and he always recommends that I gargle with warm salty water as a first line response to tooth aches. No special recipe, just take a cup of warm water, chuck in a teaspoon or so of salt and stir til it dissolves.

[Vanilla]

H was very difficult today.

He went to golf and then turned up to the staff party. We were due at 12:30 for 13:00. A senior member of the team and I were dealing with a particular issue. At 12:40, a telephone call from H who is already at the venue. "Where were we?" "They were waiting at the venue"

Then we all arrived at 13:00 to be greeted by H, I was rude inconsiderate.... Spew

He had already had 2 pints of beer, followed by 2 more and finally 2 glasses of red wine. So by the end of the meal H is well over the drink driving limit. Near to the end, a tannoy request to move my jeep please. No issue. H jumps up goes out to the jeep and starts to move my car.
I stop him of course,
H is using his keys. I politely point out that he is over the limit and that I am not drinking alcohol. So of course a couple of sarcastic comments later, mainly about the quality of my driving, I have moved the car. I said zero.

Meal was wonderfu, and I drove home. Coffee at home etc with the crew, wonderful GAL.

About 5:15 I need to go to the loo, because of the antibs my digestive tract is a bit chaotic. H decides to come upstairs and tell me off, I have spent too long in the loo for his liking. He just barges straight in and I am on the loo.

H has discovered that I have plans for Sunday. That does not suit him as he might want to watch sport on the TV. No issues I say, we are playing DVDs and singing karaoke so he can watch any sport he likes.

He proceeds to tell my guests that he will watch sport In his living room any time he wants to.

I also learn H has bought an expensive golf buggy (his Christmas Present) and given each member of his family a Christmas present of cash from the joint account. The Xmas present is on the basis that he always gives them this sum each.

At 5:30 he has arranged with the landlord of the pub to go out for 'a few beers'. So he leaves. I say nothing.

I went to my meeting, which I loved and got a lot from tonight. I told the assembled group about H and his behaviour and how angry I am at the public humiliation. I know of course that H is responsible for his own behaviour and this reflects badly on him rather than me.

After the meeting I rang by bff and have gone to stay there. I know H will be annoyed because his car is at the pub over 2 miles away and he needs a lift to collect it. I text H to tell him that I would be home in the morning but did not leave an explanation. H was spoiling for a fight and I am not giving him any opportunity.

At least two of my staff have said if I need a place to stay that I can stay with them. This was completely unprompted of course. But I am not going to leave my house. This Xmas I will reclaim my space, and whilst I am not unreasonable, I can live there too.

Today is another day
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Arrived home and H has already left to walk to his car.

Thank goodness.

Text exchange

H am out today will be in the office tomorrow
Me Do you need a lift to get your car?
H no walked to get my car
Me Ok so will you be at home when the drier repair man calls
H No
Me Ok have a great day

Leaves me with a big problem today, office to attend to and tumble drier repair booked. I could really cry. This behaviour is escalating again and I really don't know what to do further.

However if H is not about I am going to check about the gambling and then call him on it.

Is this wrong to do?
Should I pry into H financials?
Mine are an open book.

It is what it is.
Vanilla

[jim0987]

Hi vanilla,

Really sorry to read about your H behaviour yesterday. If there is a positive its how well you conducted yourself and that others will have seen the contrast.

You were sensible to stay at a friends house I think.

As for the financials personally I think its seperate them as much as possible then leave him to his. I don't know how possible that is for you?

What effect do you think checking and/or calling him out on his gambling would do. In the past when you've said something you've got spew back. Would you expect something different?

Its said a lot but worth repeating. I have a lot of admiration for the way your approaching all of this and in particular the time you give to supporting others.

[Ggrass]

The fact he drinks as much as you say makes him just difficult.

My xh drank heaps. I never knew what a pia drinks could be till you had to spend night sitting waiting will midnight to drive one home. Twice I left him to walk home 15km.
Once because he refused to come, another because he threw a tantie and got angry at me for something I had no control over.

Finding ways to just let it wash can be tough.

[Vanilla]

As for the financials personally I think its seperate them as much as possible then leave him to his. I don't know how possible that is for you?

What effect do you think checking and/or calling him out on his gambling would do. In the past when you've said something you've got spew back. Would you expect something different

Thanks Jim, I feel in a turmoil not calm at all. A little like a duck much more going on underwater. I really feel quite lost and today tearful. I still love my H and I want my marriage.

I was planning a quiet evening but I suspect H will be out to press buttons. Ok mind reading but would think 80% probable, either that or he will chase a potential OW. His deceased wife had a piosonous friend, who was one of my clients and I had to sue to get paid. I won in court but never ended up getting paid, they folded the company owing me 000s in directors fees. He may go there to stay or he may pick an OW from somewhere or the other.

I am actually quite vulnerable to a vindictive attack if H chooses the right ally as I have to practice as a member of 3 different institutes without limited protection. Of course there is PI but try getting that again after the wrong case is fought. Even if one wins the costs are astronomical. This is a difficult path I tread.

I think the best thing I can do is find out the extent of the gambling/spending damage but not call on it. You are right all I would get is temper and spew.

I wonder if when I text I should have said staying at bffs. This way I don't know what state he was in.
Thank you for your support
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

My xh drank heaps. I never knew what a pia drinks could be till you had to spend night sitting waiting will midnight to drive one home. Twice I left him to walk home 15km.
Once because he refused to come, another because he threw a tantie and got angry at me for something I had no control over.

You would have thought a 15 k trek drunk would have been enough to stop him triggering it again!