Remember he has to justify his choices to himself, to convince himself he has no choice otherwise he has to own the hurt he is causing you. only a sociopath would have no problem with that and assuming he isnt he needs to protect himself.
There will have been a lot going on in his head all the way through all of this. In my case i felt guilty about a load of things that even when my W told me not to - I still did and would do anything to avoid that feeling, including some properly irrational nonsense. I couldnt forgive myself, I didnt (don't?) believe i was worthy of it.
What it meant was that rather than tackling the work I needed to do (because i didnt know how or want to admit the weakness) I instead concentrated on the work my W needed to do (without talking to her about it in a positive way) and I suspect she did the same. This just led to distance and resentment
He might know full well that love takes work but he might be afraid of that work or not feel he is up to it or scared that he can do all the work and its still wont be what he wants.
What i'm trying to say is that we can come up with hundreds of reasons and explanations for why BF made the choices he has and some of them are polar opposites - but we will never know, I doubt he will fully unless he does some serious introspection with a IC.
As long as we are looking at all of this we are distracting ourselves from the only thing that we can really do and that is working positively on the the happy, exciting, fulfilling, interesting and attractive person you are (and you are!!). Thats where there is always more work to be done and thats where the work does the most good.
Be the best little you can be and be enough for yourself. As long as you dont give up on you, nothing else matters.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
You are so right on all of that. Absolutely. Thanks for the input, the perspective helps.
Soldiering on today. The roads are REALLY icy and horrible; it's rainy and cold enough to make a lot of hazardous road conditions, but not snow. Fingers crossed it doesn't end up doing so.
Been thinking about Mr. Bond's --the living legend-- sitch, how I've heard his wife wouldn't talk to him for 3 years but with his patience, they ended up piecing. In that manner, I need to remind myself over and over that I don't know squat; I make a lot of assumptions about where H is and what's going to happen, but the future can play out in ways that NONE of us ever thought of. In that, there has to be some small shred of hopefulness.
Move forward for me for now, and let whatever happens happen.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
How do you guys keep stray thoughts from killing your PMA? I can be all sorts of "okay" during the day but at some point some stray thought comes through my head that BF has made this choice and as far as he's concerned OW is the answer to all his problems. Maybe I do or don't have a chance in the future, but it's over. Really over.
My heart sinks and I start to get that panic feeling in my gut.
A simple answer is GAL that keep your mind off of it, but what about when I'm at work and things aren't busy or when I'm sitting in traffic waiting for the light to turn green?
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
To answer your question, being busy doesn't help me all that much. Like you, the thoughts seep into the tiniest openings. What helps is to have a rationale that gives peace in the moment.
1. Patience. The future is unknown. It's a marathon. Just survive today. 2. This R with OM makes no sense and I'm a great H, she'll be back! 3. Either way, it gets better over time. 4. She f-ed up. Our R is broken. I don't even want her back. Good luck, OM! 5. There's passion in my future, with W or another woman! 6. Being happy and active is my best way to attract W or someone else. Do it or fail.
Keep in mind that this is all just devices to help our patience. Much of the sitch is not under our control. Time needs to work its magic, whether it's our acceptance or their return. The uncertainty is beyond uncomfortable, but it's what we have to accept.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thank you so much, Mozza. That post was literally a rope thrown to pull me out of quicksand.
I will remind myself when these thoughts come through that I must ONLY get through today (or the next five minutes...or minute...whatever...) and the future is never certain.
I could kiss you!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I'm afraid I'll never talk to BF again. I'm afraid that there will be no chance for us in the future -- that he's always going to think of us as "done" and that I'm going to have to live without him for the rest of my life.
And that's not an unrealistic fear. Not all relationships can be saved and I cannot control what he does, says, or wants. I cannot control his life going forward, only myself and my own life.
How do I let go of this paralyzing fear that I may never have the chance at happiness with a man I so deeply and honestly love?
PMA was up all day long, but then it came down again. Yuck.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I know a very similar fear and struggle to deal with it myself
pay attention to this bit that you wrote
Originally Posted By: Little
happiness with a man I so deeply and honestly love?
In your sentence you said 'a man' - when you said that did you mean BF or did you mean what it says 'a man'. the second one is better as it you are not investing all your happiness in one particular person.
what do you want from life? make a list and then consider what parts of it could ONLY be fulfilled with your BF - im hoping the answer is none. on mine the things that can only be fulfilled by my W are 'to only marry once and have a loving and successful life together' and 'to raise my kids with their mother'
one of the things i read in book was to think about all the parts of your life as compartments and then see how well they are going independtly. if the only compartment you have is your R then the loss or hurt in this hurts the whole you but if the other parts are all good then the R difficulties matter less.
I can move on without BF. I can have a happy life without him, in terms of goals and whatnot. I don't need him for those things. I love me, who I am, and what I stand for.
He is my other half. Not to say that I'm not a whole person, but his soul and mine are parts of the same whole. We understand each other so completely without trying. We speak without words. We can, proven on more than one occasion, read each other's minds some how.
I'm having a hard time reconciling that someone I have such an intense bond with has chosen the path he has chosen.
I know all the rhymes and reasons of logic about what he's done vs what I deserve vs DBing technique vs detaching and letting go and all that. I know and understand and accept it.
The odds we reconcile this R are probably zero. I know this.
My emotions are trying to catch up and having a hard time coping.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I've read before on these board, from a vet, that all this talk about "the love of my life" is not really helpful in detaching, so I've stopped all of it. Even not saying IRL has helped. You're likely to reinforce this perception, which is the opposite of what needs to happen. Whether your sitch goes one way or the other, you need to feel like you don't need him. Try for a few days not to think of how much you're made for each other and see the impact on your PMA.
If the bond is as strong as you describe it, then you have that going for you. Something he can think about when OM gets complicated or boring. Put it in the asset column and move on.
Remember: all you're trying to do right now is to spend time. Think of your BF as a baseball that's flying in the air towards the left field. If you run towards to ball to be underneath, you won't catch it. You need to wait for the ball to come back down and be positioned where it will fall. A good fielder will patiently wait without moving much that he ball fall in her glove.
Patience. Nothing is going to happen today. You just need to get through the day, so make it as good and easy as possible.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
