Woke up to a couple of lovely cold sores - cripes.
But on the up side - I have been invited to a winter solstice bonfire @ the beach on 21st; I have accepted, will mostly likely have jet lag so will only stay for a couple hrs - at least until sunset or I fall asleep lol.
Feeling calmer today - trying to not remain upset by what is going on on c/mas day, its still a couple weeks away.
sx2 are going to have interaction with OW/kids whether I like it or not, its a fact and not in my control, so need to accept it. I know that I am their m and by not reacting to any of this in front of them it will stand me in good stead in the future.
I have been reading everyone's posts, they are so different from my sitch - my H has dropped off the planet, no spewing, no dragging me through court, no anything. Just silence - I don't exist in his world. I am not sure which is best - the contact; even if it is a rollercoaster - or the silent treatment.
I do wonder if he ever thinks about me or us, if anything I do has any impact on his thoughts. It seems so bizarre to me that he can detach from all that we were so easily. Last week my s17 finished school and we were supposed to be moving down to my H at the weekend - but instead I was clearing my house out to move across the world - cu-ra-zy
Lou - I completely relate to your situation. H said in January his employer was going broke and he must look for new work. He is highly specialized so searching out of state. Timing wasn't great for the kids but planned to sell the house and I would rent an apartment and stay here with youngest until graduation (2 1/2 years). I agreed that looking for a position as a defense was a good idea, just in case.
He rocked our world in May with BD and move cross country under the guise of this great job. Luckily I refused to sell the house quickly because everything imploded(discovery of OW, money gone, lies, etc.) otherwise we would be homeless.
He deposits some money each payday. It is not enough to make ends meet and those deposits only be because mortgage is in his name and child is 16. I am working to get a legal agreement in place because I have not worked outside the home 20 years. It is going to be starting from ground zero. I have no money or skills.
He has only called me once since he left. Very limited texts and maybe 3 or 4 calls from me before I went NC in October. Children have not heard his voice since summer. Only texts on holidays to the girls and never asks them anything. My daughter calls the "insert holiday here" texts. We are completely disposable like an appliance he no longer needs.
Even my attorney couldn't get a response. If we go to court it will be because he just won't respond and this is my only recourse. It is odd how H won't just acknowledge us. I love him enough to let him go but my children and I do not get that respect.
It sure hurts like a pain I have never experienced. The indifference. The feeling that you don't matter now and did you ever really matter? Please take care of yourself. It is not you. It is your H. I am coming to understand this as the days pass that H is truly in turmoil. He may always be this way but you can't help him and if you tried then it would only be self defeating.
I didn't think H was a Narcissist but the more I reflect and read I realize that certain personalities have these tendencies that show themselves in midlife. They vary to different degrees but it is NOT YOU.
All your posts are lovely. You seem logical and empathetic and kind. You can get stronger because you have the tools inside of you. DBing is all about self preservation.
This is going to be a beautiful adventure for you. It is not about H anymore. IF in the future he comes calling then you can deal with that issue. Hang in there. You are doing great!
PS - Sorry for the hijack. Your H's behavior defies description. That feeling of being discarded... You are not alone.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Thanks Gwen. Its good to hear your story - I have been following your threads.
My fun filled day consisted of 3.5hrs on call waiting to my phone company - thank goodness for speakerphones - I had to power through as it was to give them notice for termination of contract. Geez, when I got through it took all of 5 mins to have the conversation - so frustrating!
On an up note the missing keys were found - in my gardening shed ?? the mind boggles - so now the car has gone -
S17 seems to have calmed down. He has even sorted out his room - I shake my head at the fun and games at his antics getting it done, but hey, a bit of entertainment for the day
Its now that night time feeling - I get it every night, the sadness and wishing and wanting things to be different. So off for a bath for some me time -
Hugs to all, hope everyone is having a good day (((hugs)))
Lou, Don't you hate being on line and waiting for the next available person to assist you? That's a long time to wait on hold for the next available person to assist you, but at least you finally go through.
I'm glad the missing keys showed up, but how in the world did they get in the shed? That's too funny, but the car is gone and you can relax about that situation and not worry about it again.
S17 sounds like he finally got it together and sorted out his room. I hope he continues to be on an even keel the rest of the week for you so that you aren't stressing more than you already are.
I do think going out and enjoying yourself a bit on the 21st will be nice, even if you should fall asleep. LOL! It will be a nice little break for you and you'd be spending it w/some friends.
I like your bucket list item. I did the hot air balloon ride several years ago and loved it. Don't put off those items you want to do for very long or you won't do them.
I hope this week is a good one for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
oooooh Hot Air Balloon, I bet that was fantastic - especially on a clear day. No18 on the list has just been found !! Thanks for the inspiration!
Yep, not sure how the keys ended up in the shed - don't really want to know either lol. I am not sure what has got in to S17, he is up at 6am going for a run - I did not think he knew there are two 6's in a day ha ha.
Hey Lou, Good to hear that you are thinking about new challenges and fun things to do.
I know that night-time feeling. I push myself to do stuff I don't really want to do - i.e. like cleaning the oven!! - when I feel like this, just to keep my mind from ruminating.
Sorry to say this but I'm getting some solace from hearing abut your son's behaviour. He sounds just like my D19. I thought I was going through this alone, but no, maybe it's just typical upset teen stuff?
Good to hear, too, that he's having a good patch atm.
Its easy to forget that a part from being a normal teen, S17 is dealing with lots of changes in his life. I do cut hhim a bit of slack but he knows when he has pushed it too far !!
I just hope that he will be ok, its going to be really hard leaving him. I know we have skype and all that, but he is still a long way away from me.
I picked up my ticket this morning - all offical now - no going back. Had to buy a visa to enter US air space - ridiculous when I am only transiting through, I think it will be 2hrs in a transit lounge before getting back on the plane for my next leg. Its 27hrs all together ugh.
If it's any help at all, I know that a number of my daughter's friends went on long exchanges to OS schools at this age, and a couple were packed off by their parents to internships on the other side of the world for a year as soon as they finished their last year of high school (i.e. at age 17/18).
I wondered how these kids would cope, being so young and all, but it seemed to work OK. It seems to make the kids more independent and requires them to grow up and be less selfish. They learn so much by having to cope on their own, and they seem to value things like family and friends a lot more.
None of this probably helps you to feel any better about leaving your son, I know.
It's just plain hard.
And 27 hrs, that is torture, I know that too.
You are showing your son that you are active agent in the world - someone who takes things on and is not afraid to explore change and make decisions. This has to be a good thing.
S20 went off to the UK for a yr the day after his 18th, I was sad to say goodbye to him but I think it was easier because he was leaving me and I still had H and S17 at home.
This time its me leaving my boys and its also alone - no h.
I am struggling a bit today - the reality of it all has hit me. Quite emotional TBH. I have days when I just don't get it - why us ? That he really has gone, that he really does not want me in his life anymore, thats it, finished, all gone.
It makes no sense at all; we were happy, planning our next stage of life and excited at the prospect of his new job and move .... and then BD. KaaaaaaBooooooom!!! Does not seem real sometimes.
I carry on, I suppose the best way to describe it is existing in life. I do all the GAL'ing and make decisions that don't include h, I keep going onwards - but he does not leave me, he is still very much apart of my heart and in my head.
I know I am clinging on to hope,and that is probably holding me back, but its so hard to let go. I read the success stories and that keeps me ever hopeful that mine will be one of those ....I know we all do ...
Been wrapping the boys stocking gifts today, getting them ready to go with S17 next week. Doing that did not help the sadness, as I know I wont get to see them open them this year. I know who they are spending it with - :o(
Ok, so this is a bad day. Tomorrow will be a better one :o)
