The cross boundaries thing I think vanilla means she sets a boundary but because most stuff doesn't overly bother her at first, she lets it go.
Then later she feels that it was crossed but her chance to enforce that boundary is lost after the fact.
Am I correct vanilla? Cause if so I haz the same issue exacery! Funny a lot of women do. We think letting things go is for the betterment of the r, when in fact it's not.
Spot on as usual gg Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Apologies all I posted my previous post too soon, will report.
Thanks Jim
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
So what are the downs 1. Let H fall over still doesn't feel right to me 2. I have a tendency to withdraw when hurt 3. My skin is too thick and I should find some things cross boundaries 4 I have the tendency to be too generous and see the funny side 5. I pay almost all of the bills, allowing H to have too comfortable a life 6. I work way too hard 7. I have a tendency to blame myself too much 8. I can not get passed the smoking
do you mind if i ask a couple of questions on these?
3) what do you mean 'cross boundaries?' - if you have a thick skin thats good but in the past you've talked about the screaming banshee and so i'm just trying to equate the two
The screaming banshee is one of my shadow characters, she defends me when I feel like I am being attacked. So when H started to spew my natural reaction was to be shrill and respond back. Which escalates the problem interaction. However as gg says because my boundaries are not very strong (or sometimes don't exist) andI am so laid back little bothers me. Until it does, but I don't explode, I screech back instead and the world can change. I don't know why but H loved pressing those buttons until he triggered the reaction. Now with stronger boundaries I am more in control. I just stay stop and walk away. The trouble is this is emotional not necessarily easy to control especially when I am distressed. It's a primary fight response which needs replacing with a flight response.
4. why do you see this as a down? It isn't always a down, but I have this capacity to turn situations into cartoons in my mind. For example when H spews I see H as a Disney Cigar Smoking baby. This enables me to reduce the severity of the interaction. Good at the time but often I fail to follow up in the cool light of morning. It means I should do more. Because I am so detached they often I don't act in my own best interest. Often behaviour has to become extreme before I do. That causes more damage. I need to react sooner. It isn't because I can't it's because I fail to do it. I have capacity but not the need. I am trying to become more mindful and aware. It is weak and I am trying to change it.
5)when/how do you think you might broach this topic? Actually this one is very tough. H is a compulsive, gambler, smoker, drinker and spender. I have separated our finances (so he can't spend my money) for example. After a lifetime of work H has nothing but debts. He has cashed in his pension scheme etc. H has earned twice or three times the amount I do, I am largely self employed so it's a very tough environment but I am a saver. I don't have the same needs. I don't smoke, drink, gamble, and I am the charity shop Queen. I have never believed in debt and never had any until recently. I also take great care of my stuff, I repair and replenish. I cook rather than have takeout etc...... H gave up work within 3.5 months of marriage saying he had memory issues, after I forced a medical checkup turns out there is nothing wrong with him! I was supportive of H giving up work but I should not have been. I have ended up with all the burdens whilst H plays golf, drinks, smokes etc. that is why I have forced a financial settlement early, the longer the marriage the more the courts will give him. I will not be his meal ticket when he behaves like this.
6. Is your working making you unhappy? oh I love my work and I am very good at what I do. I can't say more but in the corporate world I am known. I wanted to slow down a little because of my age.
you seem to balance leisure activities in there as well so is it an issue for other reason?
Yes, it is the volume I have to do. Usually I start at 4:30 in the morning and work until 7 or 8 at night often 6 or 7 days a week. And then I go GAL.
8. whose smoking? i think i've missed/forgotten this somewhere?
H smokes heavily. I hate the smell especially combined with beer, it is a repellant for Vanilla. It makes me wretch and that is one of the reasons H does it. He smokes in his car and he doesn't change his bedding, it is an effective barrier to any type of intimacy. I won't travel in his car unless it's necessary, so I run two cars, my little daewoo Matiz and a Jeep (which is very old but can be fumigated). When I met H he did neither of these things, in fact although he had smoked before, he stopped. His excuse is that I create stress etc (spew spew) so I am responsible for him starting smoking again.
I hope I have explained a little more. I guess I have many noodle moments.
My first H died and we were very happy indeed.
My second H and I had more of a business type marriage without much passion, but it was very respectful. That marriage fizzled out by mutual consent, it was more companionship than anything and we were in the same line of work so we collaborated on projects. We never competed as our client bases were very different.
This M is crazy and whilst I love H very much, the behaviours and interactions are not what I want in my life. Doing DB and gam anon is important for me, but I am just an ordinary commoner with a difficult H. This was outside my experience, in the past abuse would be way from my mind. It was not a possibility, nor would I have been subject to it. Both of my previous H were true gentlemen and strong moral characters. Neither drank, smoked, gambled, overspent or spewed. They were secure strong men, each in different ways, but both kind and hard working. Of course there were issues but normal ordinary solvable ones. With H1 with love and H2 with negotiation and compromise. I confess that I have only had 4 boyfriends and I married 3 of them and was engaged to the 4th. I did have a couple of blind dates that ended in alleys but that is the sum total of my experience, not really enough to spot the difficulties in H. I am standing not walking. I want to believe love conquers all, with help from DB of course. Thank you for asking
Jim. I wanted to save one of your questions for a later time, because it requires a fuller answer. The one on blame.
H is trying a new tactic- heavy sarcasm.
For example
H: you have spent the last few days in bed being lazy, you need to be gone by now it's halfpast eight. Do you know that? I suppose that means you are giving up on work Me: no I am waiting for the dentist to open, as I am in pain H: you are not the only one finding your teeth painful! (Heavy sarcasm) Me zero response
Another one this morning H: you have a text message from Big B Hands me phone Me: yes it's Debra she is coming in to work H: oh is she really? Glad someone is. (Heavy sarcasm) Me zero response
This is where I might find it funny and let it go. maybe I should react. I haven't yet got a boundary on sarcasm.
I could really do with another day in bed, but teeth are better this morning, so is my athletes foot Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/08/1408:55 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
H behaviour is getting stranger and stranger. He actually thinks that He can get away with anything unseen. H, you are so manipulative. All of the following has happened today.
Quite extraordinary.
H has bought himself an e cigarette, he was showing this to the office staff today. It's to help him give up smoking, because when we move to the new offices he does not want to smell of cigarettes as no one else smokes.
I immediately raced to my car on hearing this, drove to the end of the road and roared with laughter where no one can see me.
H is growing a beard.
H spent his October and November pay on upgrading his car to an Audi A4. His wife drives bangers, but H wants a leather interior and 0 to sqillions in nanoseconds. To impress his golfing buddies and others.
It will be medallions next and an earring.
H has loans, overdrafts and credit card debts and can't afford to pay his bills.
I am no longer paying his debts, they have been transferred to his account from mine. If his share of the bills doesn't get paid, I will reduce the settlement by the value.
The reason he has e cigarettes is he wants to impress with his car and it smelling clean not of fag ash.
Vanilla has shifted.
Sweet Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/09/1402:05 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Love, love your sense of humor, Miss Vanilla. You have a unique way of looking at your H and the situation you're in. Isn't that the good ol' distinctive British stiff upper lip that is downright disdainful of airing one's dirty laundry in public. That sort of thing isn't done at all.
As far as the sarcasm, I've always seen that as covering up some insecurities that people have in themselves; i.e. if you can't be mature and address the issue or say nothing, then try to be funny and it makes it all better???
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thank you Wonka, the difference between H and Onslow from Appearances is H really cares what others think of him. Onslow doesn't. But you are running on the right lines there.
MCS, it is the character of the compulsive to be really insecure. They need the trappings of wealth they believe that the car, the house, the holiday home, the golf club etc are the most important. They also want to be the one that buys the drinks and he that does this is the 'good guy'. They want to be James Bond. But none of this is satisfying, it's like they are never full, then there are cruises, casinos, better cars, cashmere jumpers and socks. They don't really get it!
Satisfaction comes from the soul, it comes from doing a job you love, the laughter of friends over a simple coffee, the delight at a film on an orange Wednesday, the cuddle of a sick child, the sparkle in the eyes of a parent. It comes from love, sharing and giving as well as receiving. It comes from inside, from values, thoughts and true connection. It is from entwining in sexual connection with another, from release and personal pleasure wrapped in attachment.
If you look hard then improvements on the journey of the spirit and the progress of the Pilgrim elucidate. We all have moments when these externals matter more, we are human after all. But to live your life needing this external validation is a very shallow.
H and I come from very similar backgrounds, both truly educated class. The intellectual elite, those who have been offered the gift of education and the opening of doors to the wealth of the mind. There is one difference though whilst my world was consumed with knowledge and the overwhelming splendour of the gifts on offer, H was consumed with the material things of life. There is no doubt that at the starting gate his world was infinitely kinder, that he could take with ease the learning, he picked up learning without effort. Vanilla had to apply herself , she had ADD and a poor memory, it was a harder road. H and I share the same IQ, in that we are both extraordinary. Trust me when I say that H has every tool of the master manipulator and knows how to play to advantage.
H has needs, wants and desires and they grow with the capacity to fulfil them. He is an aggressive man because at the end of the day he has nothing but illusion. That is compulsion, true compulsion to feed the emptiness with the trappings of this world.
So why did H want Vanilla. Vanilla is beautiful and has a stable base in her life, she has PMA and work she adores. She has assets which can be plundered and more than that she is unaware. Vanilla is Vanilla, what you see is what you get. There are no secrets or skeletons in that closet.
The mask falls on H, Vanilla is not enough. Vanilla will not live with deceit or lying about gambling etc, Vanilla lets the truth be known. Vanilla does not struggle alone ashamed and guilty, she says GA, she says DB. She makes boundaries for herself.
H has to work very hard to hide the truth from himself, in an environment in which H is to be held to account for his behaviour and actions. And it is H own higher power which does that for him. His cheeseless tunnel is a long tunnel and he runs up and down it at increasing pace. H is way beyond MLC, he is compulsive. It is destructive to his soul and to his M but not to mine unless I let it.
H is a lost soul but his A4 will make him happy for a while, as will his new cashmere jumper, his golf clubs, his steak dinner and whichever potential OW catches his eye. But not for long, he is cycling faster in ever decreasing circles, looking out but not looking in.
I can see it, it makes me smile, it is what it is, he is what he is. Only H can learn the true wealth that is within his grasp. I am neither the cause nor the cure. And as for potential (actual?) OWs the behaviour is obvious H has no substance to him, he cannot show more than passing fancy, he is to connected to his toys. There is a stage in an R when obsession in another is required, H is too selfish so he relies on pretence. That won't last too long.
Lies and truth? I have always believed in the truth. The validity of experience is stored as long term memory, lies are stored as short term memories. Physiologically these are different, at night the mind clears the short term memory, that is why lies are harder to remember the following day and with each passing day. They need to be shifted to long term memory. To do so requires repetition, repetition reminds us we have lied so the subconcious will not want to repeat the lie to the conscious mind. The way to catch a liar is to challenge the following day. I do this with H, I check the truth. I appear to accept at the time and then the following days I validate. Often I find that the accusations H levies are those things he does himself.
There is exposure of H to himself. H was convinced he only drank 3 days a week until I started putting x on the calendar. To start with ( of course) it was an exceptional week but the exceptional weeks continued. H was sure he didn't play golf five times a week and every Saturday and Sunday, this was just an unusual period for it, so I mark the colander with a star for every golf day. He has to keep a timesheet so the truth of the hours he works is there.
So it goes. Wonka what I find in myself is not the stiff upper lip, more like the Dunkirk spirit. H sees James Bond style and we see Onslow style.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/09/1408:10 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
