Old dog seeks new trick 5

[Mozza]

I don't know if you saw that I posted her reaction to my sugestion that we go and see a film together without the kids as they wouldn't enjoy it. She said it wouldn't be appropriate. I ask you? What the ****? Hello? I'm your husband. I've been with you for 21 years.

I'm afraid you really don't get it. No, you're not her husband, ie someone she loves and to whom she's committed. You're the needy guy she's trying to get away from. Of course she doesn't want to go to a movie alone with you, no more than she would with a creepy colleague. You need to develop the empathy for your W's perspective or you'll keep making the same mistakes. She doesn't like you. Think of someone you don't like. Now. Ok, how do you feel about going to a movie with her/him?

Also, you've lost all power over her. There's no point in feeling that she owes you anything because she doesn't. She broke the bond, shredded the contract. She's getting away and freeing you at the same time. She sacrifices her rights over you in exchange for dropping all responsibilities towards you.

You need a completely different mindset. You still think in terms of husband and wife and she doesn't. And she's in the driver's seat.

[Old Dog]

Back from yoga all peaceful like :-)

I did see it, and I'm not surprised. Your wife seems dead set on not doing anything that she perceives might give you "hope".

No, that's right. And she's miffed that I still have hope. She's tring to keep me at arms length. Staying out of reach. Not responding to my PMA at all.

I wouldn't give her the opportunity. It's the whole "act as if" thing. Somehow she's not getting that from you.

I don't understand this bit.

[Old Dog]

Vanilla. I just wanted to say I have heaps of PMA. I am getting a life. This is just a blip. I am really proud of myself for what I have been able to acheive in the last couple of months and for keeping a PMA in the face of enemy action. I don't have to act 'as if', I am doing it.

We went xmas shopping on Saturday with whole family and S14 was so against it. I spoke to him about having a PMA and the choices he had. Be dragged around making everyone's life a misery including his own or keep a PMA, make the best of it, put a litle effort in. I'm glad to say, for the most part it was plan B. I thanked him for it and said I really appreciate it before I left for my week away at work.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I love listening to it and really need to get back to playing it. That's on my GAL list. I'm teaching the kids too. I can even listen to sad old country music (though I choose not too ;-) or Carole King. It will not dent my PMA any more. Only WAW can do that, but I try not to let her know it, and ... I am geting better at that too.

I can handle it.

[paul19510]

OD try to focus on you. Not to get her back but instead....to get you back. If W magically disappeared (nothing bad)...just was not there anymore as a temptation what would you do? Who would you be? Go be that person. If youre not sure what that looks like yet that's ok too. Take this time to find out. Act as if she's never coming home. What would you do?

[Old Dog]

For what its worth I don't think the not going to the cinema is about not giving you hope its more likely to be a defence - I could speculate but it would be mind reading. What I will say is that its pursuing and so unless I've misunderstood your situation its not really DB.

Could be defence. Who knows. But I didn't consider it to be pursuing just doing something fun. She said she wants to renain friends and have an 'unconventional relationship' where we still live together but apart. She really isn't treating me like a friend though. I'm not letting that get to me, I'm sticking with the program.

[Old Dog]

I'm afraid you really don't get it. No, you're not her husband, ie someone she loves and to whom she's committed. You're the needy guy she's trying to get away from. Of course she doesn't want to go to a movie alone with you, no more than she would with a creepy colleague. You need to develop the empathy for your W's perspective or you'll keep making the same mistakes. She doesn't like you. Think of someone you don't like. Now. Ok, how do you feel about going to a movie with her/him?

Hey Mozza, thanks for chipping in. I do get it but I'm not a needy guy. Point taken with the perspective bit but that can also lad to mind reading and it's not that she doesnt like me, or I don't think so.

Also, you've lost all power over her. There's no point in feeling that she owes you anything because she doesn't. She broke the bond, shredded the contract. She's getting away and freeing you at the same time. She sacrifices her rights over you in exchange for dropping all responsibilities towards you.

You need a completely different mindset. You still think in terms of husband and wife and she doesn't. And she's in the driver's seat.

That's tough to read. And how does that square with our unconventional relationship I wonder?

[raliced]

I wouldn't give her the opportunity. It's the whole "act as if" thing. Somehow she's not getting that from you.

I don't understand this bit.

Old Dog - I will preface this by saying that in everyone's situation there is a lot of nuance and I can't pretend to know what is going on in your home. But from the snippets you post here, it certainly seems like you might be behaving in a way that conveys to your wife you still have hopes and expectations that she has no interest in right now. Earlier in your thread you posted you were disappointed that she didn't wait to watch the "12 Years a Slave" DVD with you and I remember being surprised that you thought she might want to do that. With everything that she has said and the direction she wants her life to go in, that just did not seem like a realistic expectation to have had. I think your situation is a little more difficult because the two of you are so civil and polite with each other, which makes the dissonance between what she wants and expects and what you want and expect a little harder to see.

You need to show her that you will not only survive but thrive though this situation! I know you don't feel that way, so that's why I say "act as if" (from DR). Act as if you are positive and confident in your ability to move on and be happy if necessary. That doesn't mean you have to agree with her decisions or what she's doing, just show her you are not expecting her to be with you and that you are ok with that. Instead of asking her to go to a movie, just tell her you are going.

I hope some of that makes sense - not feeling very fluent this afternoon. By the way, I can't believe your thread hasn't locked yet!

[Old Dog]

OD try to focus on you. Not to get her back but instead....to get you back. If W magically disappeared (nothing bad)...just was not there anymore as a temptation what would you do? Who would you be? Go be that person. If youre not sure what that looks like yet that's ok too. Take this time to find out. Act as if she's never coming home. What would you do?

Hi Paul, thanks to you as well for chipping.

I mentioned above, I am getting back on track. My life was awful earlier this year and had been getting worse for a while. Much of it was due to working away from home 5 days a week. I can't blame her for not liking that person: I didn't like me. I used to think is this it? But felt powerless to change.

I'm not him any more, I am changing. I have a PMA almost all the time, I am getting in touch with friends, going out, trying new things, yoga, mindfullness, champagne pedicures. I have been to a "feel the fear and do it anyway" workshop which was really cool.

I am trying to have no expectation, but there is still hope. Without hope, you may as well give in.

[Old Dog]

raliced. Thanks for the explanation.

Yes, I understand. I guess maybe I am a times, especially if I then come out and say it.

But it is disappointing that she is being so selfish. Most of the time I can roll with it. To paraphrase MrBond's words earier in my thread. I need to just shrug my shoulders and get over it.

I was going to catch up on a cople of other threads and start watching the last series of Breaking Bad this evening but I seem to have run out of time.

[Old Dog]

I'm goin for the most posts in a thread record now.

Come on Old Dog, fetch the stick.