Thread for vge1

[123Gwen]

vge - I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I too have been a SAHM and have been dealing with a lot of economic worries. It has helped me tremendously to set some time away each day and accomplish one or two things. It can be something small like asking a friend to keep their ears open for any job openings or just doing 20 minutes of research about training programs at the community college. The idea is to start small and then add a little every day. Staying focused on what you can do is a good distraction.

As time has progressed I have had to accept that the man I married does not exist and he may never come back. Just typing those words makes me teary but it is the situation. I am scared to death but in a weird way I am feeling stronger as time goes on.

I have many worries but if I focus on myself and my girls I find we are fairly happy. We laugh and we love each other. Honestly I would rather be me than H.

I am sending you prayers and all my support. I wish we didn't belong to this club together. There are far too many of us but you can do this vge! Have faith and stay strong and focused. You are not alone.

[vge1]

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Especially the words of truth.

Thank you Matt165 - My life has changed and I do have anxiety, worry, fear which I know cannot co exist with FAITH. I have been looking for a job and hopefully will get something soon. I will look forward and not back. I don't like this ride.

Thank you 123Gwen - I'm sorry you are in this club too. Thank you for your prayers. I'll pray for you too. This is soo hard. I must have Faith in God and trust HIM completely. Let Go (my illusion of control) and Let God (He wants me to let go cuz I keep getting in the way).

Right now, my DH is trying to spend more time than ever with our children. They really don't want to be around him. I almost have to force our children to go with dad. They all feel awkward with this whole situation. They love him but don't like who he is right now.

My DH said they really need to get over it if they don't want to see him. He thinks I'm telling them not to go with dad or manipulate the situation but I don't. I told our children that their dad loves them and does want to spend time with them. I said you have my blessing to be with your dad. It's okay. One of our children said, "how come he didn't spend all this time with us when he lived here?" They see it, they feel it but they don't say anything for fear of making him angry. What do I say?

Thanks for this sounding board. It helps so much. All of you are so wonderful and encouraging. Thank you.


Question - should I go to a lawyer even though I just want to wait and see if my DH comes back?


Happy Thanksgiving!

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

[123Gwen]

It is critical that you see an Attorney ASAP if only to know your rights. You have no idea what the future may hold and you need to take care of yourself and your children.

VGE - Please, please see an attorney. This is simply being a responsible adult should the worst happen. You need to understand that addressing the financial business of your marriage has nothing to do with the emotional side of things. If you do not prepare properly you may never recover.

Up until a few months ago I would have never dreamed my H would be dishonest or unethical. He has become a stranger overnight. The fact is he is not someone I recognize and the man I married may never return. I am floored at how he has cleared out accounts and lied so easily. As each day passes I am realizing that I am completely on my own with my girls.

You are not being vindictive or vengeful by trying to survive. Please do as my research as you can to protect yourself financially. This may be a long toad and DBusting is all about self preservation.

[TSquared2]

Many lawyers will give you a free initial consultation, so check out 3-7, just you know YOUR rights in your state.

And the difference between lawyers is amazing, I'm glad I talked to 5.

This is critical...please do this, ASAP... I am so glad I did early in my sitch, it helped guide my stand, knowing the legal realities, and now the divorce.

Knowledge is power, and control of your life.

[123Gwen]

Tsquared2 added some great advice. I spoke with 3 attorneys and learned something from each.

Please, please VGE don't delay.

[vge1]

ok. thank you for your advice. I am so freaked out about doing this but something tells me that he may have done a lawyer visit too. I'm not sure but I don't know what a lawyer may tell him or what he even said to them.

I don't know who he is so I really don't know what he's doing or what he's expecting.

He asked to see our children for thanksgiving and though I had plans with them all day to visit my family, I said ok. So he picked them up in the late afternoon. I found out that he'd been at his relatives house since early morning helping with the Thanksgiving preparations. I didn't expect that.?I thought maybe he'd be spending time with someone else or even take the children to see the OP. I expected the worst but praise GOD, it was just relatives.

He never told me when he would drop them back off nor did I ask. I didn't want to push it. So he had his mother bring three of our children home around 10:30p then he took our oldest to a restaurant to listen to a musician friend play. He dropped him off at midnight, I never received a phone call or text of what his plans were.

So as analytical as I am, I thought, maybe he did talk to an atty and maybe the atty kinda mentioned the impact of a D. My SIL said that he seemed really sad on Thanksgiving. She also mentioned that I was invited and everyone missed me. I just said that I know my DH didn't want me there and didn't want to make him angry. Maybe I should have gone there since it's not his house and his uncle is the one who extended the invitation not my DH or my MIL. I don't know what to do or say.

On another note, my cancer is back. It's in my spine now and I'm scheduled to get a biopsy this week. UGH!!

I don't know if I should tell him or not since I'm on his insurance and don't know what the future holds - medically.

Anyway, prayers please. I want to be here for my children and just pray for mercy, hope and love.

thank you.....

VGE1


Romans 8:28

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Prayers.

The more you post to others the more you build up a support system here. Get involved with others learn their story and they'll help you too.

[vge1]

thank you. yes I'm learning a lot. And so far I find the paths were are all on are the same - confusing and hurtful.

Today, our youngest child tells me that they went to the movies and saw a scary movie at the dollar theatre. It was such a scary movie, that my child hated even seeing the previews on tv. At first, my child said they had gone to eat then were going to see that scary movie but then decided to see "Penguins" again.

I was confused because they my DH just took all our children to see it last week. So I asked if that was the truth. My child said yes but then after bath time, my child started crying saying that Dad told him "not to tell Mom about going to the scary movie."

So I was twice as upset,because our other child (9) had gone to the movies yesterday with "dad" and they say a rated R movie. Our 9 yr old said that the rated R movie wasn't bad cuz all it had was curse words". I'm upset at my DH who should know better.

Without thinking or praying first, I sent the following text msg.

"I need to talk to you about the movies you took our children to,,, they are too young for rated R movies."

It was late, I didn't expect to receive a response since my DH goes to work really early. But I thought about the tone of the text waas being preachy or questioning his parenting. I know he doesn't want me to tell him anything about anything but I really was not pleased.

Anyway, an hour later, I text the following message...

"I know our children enjoy going to the movies with you. I was just wondering if there was any other activity that y'all might enjoy if the selection of movies is limited. Like when you took "AL" to Six Flags today. "AL" loved it. Thank you."


So I'm trying not to push his buttons or make him angry. I don't want to start something. I really just was upset that he knows that has always been an issue in our home about certain shows and movies. DH really doesn't see anything wrong with it. Justifying that the kids know its not real, or they're gonna see it in the real world,etc.

I don't know what to say or not to say. Holding my tongue I know is probably the best thing right now cuz who knows what will come out.

But when can TRUTH be spoken?

No one says anything. No one says this is wrong. What you're doing is wrong.

We're all on standby while this person just goes on "happily" and we're all left wondering when will this pain stop being inflicted. When can we really talk with the real person in that MLC or affair fog.

Sorry, I just want some feedback about my text. Did it come across as preachy or with a condescending tone?

Thanks to all you for listening to my rambling.

In His Love

vge1

Romans 8:28


bTW - still waiting for my bone cancer biopsy to be scheduled. Obviously this stress doesn't help.

[LouR]

Vge1 - I am no expert, I am sure they will be following along behind me shortly, but you asked for feedback, so here is mine -

IMO I would not send texts or emails in the evening - been there, done that, got the bruised ego to prove it. Emotions have been building all day so the evening becomes a dangerous time for saying or doing things we later regret. Write it by all means, but don't send it until the morning - if you still feel its what you want to say after sleeping on it then go ahead - If you're not sure, then post it on here and ask for feedback -

I do agree with you that your H should not be taking your kids to movies which are not appropriate to their age - So I get that you were not happy, I wouldn't have been either, especially as its was you who had to deal with the after effects.

Your second text - I did not quite get what you were wanting - it came across to me that you are telling your H what to do with HIS children when HE has them - that is you trying to control him ...not a good idea and you will not get a good result from it.

[quote vge1]We're all on standby while this person just goes on "happily" and we're all left wondering when will this pain stop being inflicted. When can we really talk with the real person in that MLC or affair fog [quote]

- not quite sure what happened to the quote ... techno = useless

I can't speak for anyone else, but I am certainly not on standby (thanks to the wonderful guys and gals here), you will read time again about GAL, taking control of you, moving forwards without H.

This is an area that I am working really hard on and although the inner me (which is a mass of raw emotions) has not caught up with the outer me yet (GAL- in my case a crazy bucket list), one day I know the two will be in sync and I will be whole again. This does not mean I have given up on my m, far from it, it means I am putting myself first, building new solid foundations and taking back control of my own life, thoughts, needs and desires. IF my h wakes from his MLC and wants to reconcile, I will be the one deciding if I want him back in my life. bOOYAH

There are no guarantees with this MLC minefield, its the sad reality - harsh but true. So leave H to his new world and start focusing on you and your beautiful kids.

vge1 - I know this is hard, its painful beyond anything imaginable, its frustrating, confusing and sad. I really feel for you. I am walking along side you too and every day is a challenge, but every day you get through is a day closer to happiness - with or without h.

Hang on in there, it does get better. Read up on MLC as much as you can, it will give you a better understanding of why you are not able to see the "real person" at this time. You are stronger than you think, have faith.

((hugs))

[cat04]

Vge,

I haven’t done this in a long time so please forgive me if I jump around a bit…

I applaud your faith. I too have a very strong faith in the power of prayer and God and whatnot…

Something I learned through this process, and trust me, it was a difficult thing to learn as well as something that rocked my faith briefly…

What WE want and picture as “the plan” and pray for…is often NOT what God’s plan looks like for us.

Often His plan is very different from ours and when we pray for specifics of what we want (example, I want my husband to return, whole, happy, healthy, with a desire to be a part of this marriage) we are trying to control God and the outcome of the situation. We are not truly leaving it up to him.

And if we remain hung up in the specifics, we run the risk of missing out on what he actually has planned for us.

I spent about two years praying for a softened heart, eyes open, for my H to become a changed man and return to us…

And I spent most of those same two years on the verge of tears, waiting for the mess to end, waiting to see the answers to my prayers. God threw me a curve ball and I had a cancer scare that changed my focus for a bit, because I had to focus on becoming healthy. Once it was over, I was right back to the same waiting pattern…

Which was NOT where He wanted me to be.

I had a lightbulb moment one day, after some very nasty spewing and stuff and I suddenly came to understand the meaning of the Lord’s Prayer. Something I had been reciting like a robot for over 30 years. (and why shouldn’t I? The Church had me memorize it when I was small, it is part of the Rosary, blah blah blah) They never actually taught me what it really meant though.

What stuck out to me the most…”thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven”

His will. Not MY will.

After that, my prayers changed…

I began asking for changes in me. For Him to show me who He wanted me to be. For my heart to be softened. For someone in my life to fit with what He wanted for me.

Things began to look different for me after that. I began to see things that I wanted coming into my life. Things that I had always thought would simply be dreams because it wasn’t what my H wanted.

My marriage was not reconciled. However my X and I have the kind of friendship now that we never had when we were married.

Now, many years later, I live where I always dreamed I would. In the country, surrounded by nature and beauty. I step out onto the porch in the morning and I see birds and animals. I come home at night to a man who is happy to see me because he is happy to see me. Someone who finds the same peace that I do in our home and our life.

My life now, is not what I was originally asking for when I began this journey. However I do believe that it is exactly where I am supposed to be.

And it is not where I would have ended up if I had not truly given things over to God.

You are, right now, exactly where He wants you to be.

You found this place, while you were looking for the magic pill to fix your marriage. There is no “magic pill” unfortunately. However you have the tool box right in front of you, if you choose to use it.

Goatgal is right in pushing you to change your focus a bit. Wanting to know what your 180’s and GAL activities are. It may not seem right to you at the moment and it is scary to have to look at those things, but I promise you, it is what is necessary.

I cannot promise you a reconciled marriage. No one here, in the Church, coaching, counseling, or anywhere can promise you that.

I can promise you a happy life if you choose to take the steps. To look forward instead of in the rearview mirror.

Your H may come home or he may not.

He almost certainly won’t return to what he left though.

You said you look at the 180 list and believe you are doing everything on it. I honestly am not sure what list you are talking about. DB gives us ideas but it isn’t a step by step instruction manual.

I would like you to look at your interactions about the movies….

Tell me exactly what you believe was wrong with what your H did and what was preachy about how you handled it, with your kids and your H, and we can go from there…