Claire -- still here #11...

[claire7]

labug,

I don't know what possessed me to talk about that. Someone here at some point when I was talking about bank accounts (all our finances are still joint, but I don't have access to all his spending info) put the idea into my head that I had to set a boundary that he couldn't spend communal property on OW.

I really went off the deep end in that meeting, and as Maybell pointed out, looked so f'ing weak and desperate.

I am not pining for him. I am not jealous of OW. (at least I don't want to be). But I don't want him spending my settlement money on others.

Anyway, as if my behavior at the meeting, and afterwards wasn't bad enough, I also sent this email to him when I got home. Like I said, I snapped a bit:

I acknowledge and respect that you feel how you feel. I know what you feel (or don't feel, as the case may be) is real. In fact, my feelings are probably even quite similar to yours now. The marriage we had is dead and gone, and I would not want that marriage back. I may have sadness, but not fear and not really anger, except as it relates to how your choice affects our D.

What I don't agree with is your belief that feelings can't change, or that hopelessness about a relationship can't change.

We feel how we feel; maybe we can't control that. But we can control our thoughts and actions...and changes in thoughts and actions are what lead to changes in feelings.

I know our perspectives are different and I have no expectations that telling you this or sharing a video with you would change your perspective. But in light of tonight's conversation, I felt the desire to clarify (or reiterate) my perspective.

(and I shared a video from a pro-marriage couple who blog and FB marital advice).

Today he told me that our D mentioned to her friend that "my daddy is bad. he's mean to me." D was with her nanny... the mother of the friend asked the nanny if it was true! H was upset. What could I say? I told him that she has said those things to me (about me, and also about him). I've told her that we can be upset with people, and being might make us feel mad, but that doesn't mean they are "bad"... and I also told him that I never know how/if to mention it... but she is affected by all this. I broached the idea of getting her counseling. He didn't outright reject it, but thought she was a bit young still.

What a fool.

Maybell, I'm on it. All the churning of the last few weeks will (hopefully) lead me to finally drop the f'ing rope.

[Maybell]

I'm sorry today was so very rough.

I'm not necessarily saying drop the rope. I'm saying quit trying to talk him into coming back. Explore yourself as you are, as if you intend to be happy REGARDLESS of his choices. That every part of your life can be great whether or not that one part is. That you give as much weight to the parts of your life that work as you do to this one part that isn't. That knowing and believing in your other blessings gives you strength to deal with your H whatever he throws at you. Or your D.

Tomorrow is another day. The first day of the rest of your life, your very own, one and only life. What will you do to make it good for yourself?

[labug]

Every day is a new beginning.

I would say drop the rope. Doesn't mean you can't pick it back up but you don't want to be with him right now, he doesn't want to be with you. Allow that. It's OK.

Resisting the reality of your situation keeps you stuck.

Why do you think you're holding on so tightly?

I'm going to point this out, not as a 2x4 but as something to think about. Several times you've sent emails or had emotional discussions with H and then come here and "apologize" for the action. I know with discussions it's sometimes difficult but with emails, even texts, you can apply the 72 hr rule and come here for input if needed.

See your emotions for what they are and be aware that you're reacting to the emotion. When you feel emotion rise, it's your cue to slow down and let it pass, then respond, if needed.

Been there, got the T-shirt. It wasn't worth the price of admission. I would send out emails filled with subtext of pleading, blame and guilt. Ugly. I had never learned to communicate honestly, authentically, with anyone, it was all done under the surface by intonation, body language, code, phrasing.

I had learned as a child to fear anything uncertain. I had to control to say safe. When I wasn't in control, I was an anxious mess trying frantically through word and deed to get back in control. Sometimes I hurt people in the same way a scared animal backed into a corner can inflict damage.

Learning to accept the uncertainty of life has been such a gift. And guess what, it's really not scary at all.

Slow down, sweetie. Take the time you need. Figure you out.

[Lorelai]

OMG--Labug you're so right! Can I take that advice even though it's not on my thread? I have the same T-shirt, several of them in fact, and yes, they weren't worth the price. I too learned to be controlling as a child in order to stay safe, then brought that into adulthood, where it doesn't work.

[claire7]

Why do you think you're holding on so tightly?

Hmmm. That is such a good question. I've been thinking about it all day.

I have to be honest that in many many ways I have 'dropped the rope', at least on the outside: I don't wear my rings; I've taken ALL pics of him and his family out of all parts of my home except D's room; I've taken down my ketubah; i stopped following him on twitter; I've moved most of the things he's still storing here to an out of sight area; i rarely if ever contact him for anything except D related stuff (and even then, rarely); I don't (always) respond right away-- maybe 25% of the time I respond quickly; I do my best to keep up my PMA when I see him-- I say hello in a friendly way, even when he barely will look at me. I try not to act awkward or strange around him. I go days without crying or even thinking of him too much. I don't look through old photos, and very rarely do I even think back to happier times.

Labug, you are right that I don't want to be with him. My friends don't think too highly of him, and even some wives of H's friends imply that they think he's pretty difficult to be with (he's been called "grumpy", "crusty", "doesn't show much emotion" "isn't open with his feelings" etc. Even his own mother admitted he can be difficult!)

So, why do I hold on? I think I know that deep down he is not the right person for me. I just don't think he's capable of changing, or looking inward, or being the kind of person I want to be with. But I guess I've wanted to hold out a tiny bit of hope that he would be. I think that if I let myself let go completely, that will be it. If I start letting myself think of other men, or even meeting and dating other men, I will (god-willing) find someone who is more sensitive, generous, brave, strong, secure and compassionate.

Even 13 months later, after I've been so graceful and dignified and strong, he still showed contempt for me during the mediation-- smirking, letting out loud sighs. What a d-bag.

I should never have married him. I had doubts from the very beginning, but I didn't think I could do any better. I thought I was just so lucky that someone wanted to marry me. Is that the saddest thing you ever read?

My D is amazing, and yes, I would do it again to have her.

But it's time to move forward.

I don't care if he thinks the house is messy. If I want to keep it clean for me, or for my D or our guests, I will. But not to prove anything to him.

I don't care if he thinks I look good. If I want to put myself together for ME, I will, but not to prove anything to him or to try to win him back.

I will not use "what would H think?" as part of my decision-making process any longer. His judgement of me does not matter.

I'm proud of who I am, even if my house isn't spotless, even if I'm not an amazing cook, even if I'm 10 pounds overweight and even if I'm not the life of the party. I will have a happy, fulfilling, blessed life without him, without his friends, without his family. My happiness will come from within me and my outlook and strength will draw positivity to me.

thank you, labug and Maybell, and everyone else, for helping me get to this point. I am so grateful for the support I've received here.

[claire7]

Thinking through plans for xmas week. reached out to some (married) friends. (Don't have too many single or divorced ones). And I realized what may be the worst part of this. As an introvert who likes to be alone sometimes, but certainly not all the time, I don't have a huge circle of friends. And losing my marriage means that I've lost my built-in activity partner. D likes to hang out with other kids-- I don't blame her. I like to have another grown up around, too. But holiday time means family time, and that means nearly everyone I know (including my single friends) are spending most of their time with their families. I can never just look at my H, and say, "What do you want to do today?" and have a built-in SOMEONE to share the day with.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself right now. I can't find anyone to go away with over New Year's, and the thought of taking D somewhere alone just doesn't seem fun enough for either of us to justify the cost and effort.

I know I have to get involved in meetups and stuff. I've tried a bit. But not enough. It's incredibly difficult for me, as an introvert. So, I guess that would be a 180. (I have made a couple of new friends.. but they will be away over New Year's)...

[Georgiabelle]

Claire,

I can relate to much of what you say. I'm a bit of a loner and try to branch out a bit socially. It is a stretch for me often as well.

If you were close, I would totally invite you to hang out with me and my bf for NYE. We will act silly while our kids play, talk about uncomfortable subjects and make inappropriate comments to each other because we have a crazy sense of humor. All while her husband walks around, shakes his head and laughs.

Please don't put too much pressure on yourself-particularly regarding holidays. We make a *big* deal about stuff (IMHO ) about stuff and it overall increase anxiety unnecessarily.

Hang in there:-)

[bravo61]

claire, hate to be devil's advocate but here goes. you don't think he could change. get it, understand. but do you realize that he thought the same thing about you?
in regards to the friend's not liking him, were they married to him? so who cares what they think. my wife's friend's think i'm a scumbag. why? cause that is how she painted me. were they there when i would bring lunch to her at her job? nope. were they there when i held her hair when she was sick and throwing up? no. were they there when i would open the garage door and wait for her in the driveway to carry all the groceries inside? you guessed it. not many people will tell the good things along with the bad. why is that usually the case? because i think most people inherently reach out for sympathy-not to be told to suck it up. i think a lot of us LBS sometimes cling to the poor behavior of now (and the past) to force ourselves to detach. but this is the same thing a WAS does. kinda puts things in perspective for me.

please keep in mind that this is what i have to remind myself everyday so i don't become bitter and resentful. that would do me and my kids no favor and it would bring me right back to the person i used to be. but admittedly i struggle.

all that said, he probly is truly an a+hole. but we don't really know what he is thinking, feeling.

as always, i'll be praying for you.

[KGirl]

I'm also feeling the loss lately of that "built in activity partner" (even though H didn't really like to get out and do things that often - there were many times where he'd say he was already in his sweatpants and didn't want to change his clothes!) - I don't really miss H but I do miss that "partner" aspect of things. You nailed it all in your longer "dropping the rope" post - you've got this! Over the past year I've pushed myself to go out and do things on my own if it's something I really want to do and can't find anyone to go with, instead of just staying home and being resentful, and it's really helped. Re: New Year's, some of my fondest memories as a kid were staying up "late" with my parents, wearing silly hats, throwing confetti, playing with noisemakers, and drinking sparkling juice out of fancy glasses. I bet you and your D could have a really great time at home without going anywhere. I don't know that I have many plans for X-mas week, either, but that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy things on my own (play holiday music, watch as many sappy cheesy holiday movies as possible, bake, enjoy decorations). I'm also thinking about throwing a party for friends and co-workers a little later in December, sort of a post-Xmas party when people are more likely to be around and done with family activities.

[labug]

Hey Claire, I'll echo GB, don't push yourself right now. Do some quiet things that make you happy. Do things introverts like, book clubs, quiet coffee dates, small classes in things that interest you.

About NYE, your D is 3. Plan some 3yr old fun activities for the holiday, things you might not normally do. 3yos don't have to go anywhere to have fun, they ARE fun.

I should never have married him. I had doubts from the very beginning, but I didn't think I could do any better. I thought I was just so lucky that someone wanted to marry me. Is that the saddest thing you ever read?

No, it's the building block for the rest of your life.

Figure you out, the rest will take care of itself.