Wife Still in MLC but has now left #7

[Matt165]

Good stuff AJ and right on the mark I believe. As for your last question, no I don't need her approval but it still does bother me that she really seems to believe that her actions are totally justified and uses her re-remembered past to "prove" to me how justified her actions are. I have noticed that, unlike in the past (pre-b-day) she doesn't seem to want to even allow me to speak. She will ask me a question and I'll get the first few words out and she jumps down my throat before I can even come close to making my point. This bothers me because it shows she doesn't care what I have to say about anything, she knows what she knows and that's that. This is a total change in who she once was before MLC.

It also shows me that co-parenting is going to be almost impossible. When a problem comes up she is going to want to do things her way (or worse, her fathers) and won't listen. The last thing D14 needs is one parent saying one thing and another something different. Co-parenting also means that I will have to be part of her damn life for years. I know the pain she has caused D19 and I see no way she won't be doing the same to D14.

I feel like I have back tracked a bunch over this. I feel almost like I did in the beginning. I need to get my life back and to do that I need to get my new job going and finish what I need for ME. I'm sick of W's constant need to get her way, to blame and spew and ask for favors and to expect nothing in return.

Thanks AJ, you have some excellent insights. I'm glad you made it through and I will as well.

[Lifes Twists]

First off Matt throw the word coparent out of your vocabulary. It isn't going to happen any time soon. So get rid of the fantasy land idea that you will be working together to raise your daughter. You will have to be the best parent you can be and deal with the crap as it comes. Don't live your life anticipating it, just calmly deal with each situation as it comes along and move on. I am living the same situation, just a bit further along than you.

The not allowing to speak or being impatient when you try to speak is typical. My wife was the same. I could even begin to speak and she would be luck like hurry it up, get it out, I don't really want to hear this and this is why you are wrong. I think it is one of the phases they can go through. You have to just move on again and see if she comes out the other side. You seem to keep getting stuck on the part about she isn't the person she was before. You need to get over this hump and accept right now she isn't that person and may never be again.

[Matt165]

Hi LT,
I was hoping that maybe when it came to D14, W could at least be decent enough to put aside her selfish crap. A fantasy I know. I also have been thinking that if FIL and his W have been there all week, D14 has been subjected to their chit the whole time. I know they speak badly of me and her sister in front of her plus she probably heard W on phone spewing at me. D14 has changed so much in the last few months since her mother moved and not in good ways. My MIL has also noticed this and is upset by it. One of my biggest fears has been that my FIL would influence her and now he does. Of all the people in the world to have around her, he is about the worst.

I was wondering if the not allowing to speak thing was part of the script. You know, the "funny" thing about the MLC's is that they have no idea what a cliché they truly are! They think they are being their true self when they are just following the script of the madness in their heads. I'm not sure that I'm stuck on the fact that she's not the person she was as much as how ugly the person she has become really is. It's just so weird how almost every decent part of who she was has just gone away. In their place are such annoying and ugly traits that are exactly the opposite of the good aspects of her personality. The fact is she is becoming more and more like her father and that is about as ugly as you can get!

[AJM]

You can only find one funny thing about them, Matt? You're not really trying

I was wondering if the not allowing to speak thing was part of the script

My thought? They already had the conversation and they don't have the self-confidence (of a turnip?) to be able to withstand any other opinion than the one they already rehearsed in their head. I.e. they have had the conversation so many times and think that they know what you'll say, that you being there is really just to get it over with so they can stop hearing the words in their heads. Hence the next day feeling like a tea pot that tipped over and poured out their steam. During the time I spoke to my ex it was more like she couldn't hear vs. wouldn't. So much pressure trying to get out but she couldn't figure out how. In the beginning, I would "help" (I thought I was helping; silly me) by picking a fight. I went with my instincts. But once I realized (shortly) that I was just a punching bag? I stopped. My daughter noticed it. She asked me once about. She said, "daddy, you need to pick a fight with mom so she'll calm down" Nope. Not the punching bag.

That's what it seems like, but who really knows?

As LT mentioned, throw that concept out of the vocab. You can only co-parent when there's a "co". You needed to find out if it was possible. Now you know.

I know they speak badly of me and her sister in front of her plus she probably heard W on phone spewing at me.

this won't be fun, but is that something you feel you should nip in the bud? What if you did? What if you don't? What do you as a father need to do here?

no I don't need her approval but it still does bother me that she really seems to believe that her actions are totally justified and uses her re-remembered past to "prove" to me how justified her actions are

Want to be free, Matt? If you do nothing else in the next few weeks, figure out why this bothers you and deal with it. Put it to rest because its a key element in the connection and disappointment and anger and....

Just for perspective, you're bothered by the opinion of a woman like that? One who can't/won't listen, goes on a tirade for hours without remembering (likely), does what she does to her kids, can't make her own decisions but instead relies on her father, blames you, etc....?




AJ

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

You need to just be the best father you can be for your D14 right now. you may feel you are loosing her for a while. Just keep being there and being the best you can be. She will figure things out and come back to you.

When my wife moved out with my three daughters, she and her family poisoned them so much they did not want anything to do with me. I did a lot of reading and sole searching. Regardless of what they said or did i stayed there for them. They eventually figured things out and now all three are living with me by their own choice.

So, don't loose faith. Time will expose everything. be strong and be there for your daughter.

I agree with AJ Matt, you need to take the time to figure things out and set yourself free. If you are still letting things like her approval get to you,you still have not detached. You need to do this so your new job won't suffer. Get your new job in order. Get your self back on track. Start to do some things for yourself, alone.

[2BHappy]

Hey Matt

Just my 2cents since I have a S14, some of your D14 changes may just be puberty changes, and not permanent changes.

I've been told kids at this age can be different!!!

Hang in there.

[Matt165]

Thanks LT, AJ and 2B.
The weirdness continues.....since W had her spew, she has been nicer than she has been in a long time. First the smiley face texts, the asking for something nicely instead of demanding...now she texts me this morning offering to have D14 stay until tomorrow so I don't have the 30 each way drive. Just pick her up tomorrow. I texted that would be great as I have been doing my courses non-stop and am a bit burned out. She texted back an offer to keep D14 longer if I needed the free time to study. Now, to her, that is actually a big thing as, unlike me, she see's having D14 as a "burden" where I love having her. I know she meant it as a good thing, not as a way to keep her away. I declined but thanked her for the offer.

Why, after that awful spew, is she suddenly being nice? Maybe, like AJ talked about, she has relived the pressure. Who knows? I have been thinking about what you guys asked...why do I care what she says or thinks. I'm not sure it's as much I care what she thinks but more of how unbelievably negative she has skewed the past 25 years. It just bugs me that she can say all this stuff, stuff she never once said a word about at the time and actually remember things so differently than I do! Also, the fact that she hits me in the things I'm most proud of. I have tried to be the best father I could and that was my #1 priority. To tell me that she left in part because I wasn't a good enough father when she hasn't been there for her kids in so long just angers me. All I ever got from her was how great a dad I was. All the times I had to be the one who did anything for my girls (I even had to go and get D19's prom dresses with her because her mom couldn't be bothered), how they could talk to me but not her about things that bothered them. How the 3 of us would try and find ways to get her to do something, anything, together as a family and were almost always disappointed. How can she still not see this. Just like her actually thinking she was "calm" when she freaked out about the clock when she went crazy even scaring her own kids. It just is so annoying. How am I ever going to come to anything close to a "fair' agreement with her when she is so delusional? It didn't help that I heard from her that my lawyer was dropping me! Add in the stress I'm already under from getting my chit done for the new job, making money, paying my bills and it just exploded in my head. I was already feeling so angry about how deep in the hole I'm going to be while trying to start over while she is sitting pretty. I never would have done to her what she did to me. I never would have left her before she went back to work when she was a stay at home mother, no matter how I may have felt about our M or her.

I am much better now. Although I am feeling very negative about her in general. Crisis or not, I just have lost all respect for her. For her to not even see her own bad behavior for what it is just really blows my mind. I guess it shouldn't since she isn't thinking rationally and to expect rational thinking from her is just stupid on my part. Time to just worry about me and what I need to do. I have got to stop letting her find ways to derail me no matter what!

[AJM]

Anger is part of it Matt. It can be the fuel that helps you do what you need to do. Or it can destroy you. You'll have to make that decision. In time.

Why, after that awful spew, is she suddenly being nice? Maybe, like AJ talked about, she has relived the pressure. Who knows? I have been thinking about what you guys asked...why do I care what she says or thinks. I'm not sure it's as much I care what she thinks but more of how unbelievably negative she has skewed the past 25 years. It just bugs me that she can say all this stuff, stuff she never once said a word about at the time and actually remember things so differently than I do! Also, the fact that she hits me in the things I'm most proud of. I have tried to be the best father I could and that was my #1 priority. To tell me that she left in part because I wasn't a good enough father when she hasn't been there for her kids in so long just angers me. All I ever got from her was how great a dad I was.

Ok. I actually laughed out loud at that. Not because it hurts you, but because I've been there. You're not alone Matt. Not by a long shot. I heard and dealt with much of the same over the past 7 years. For me, it came on suddenly in so much as one minute she was professing her undying love and telling me how lucky she and the kids were, and the next her "re-remembering" the past to paint me as a horrendous monster and her as super girl. Literally. She actually went as super girl for Halloween that first year.

You should know that you were and are the best father you can be. She can say what she will - if you look at her track record I don't think it should really bother you much longer. I think you more or less want to be heard and not feel so nuts.

It will likely continue for a very long time, Matt. If you let it. If you don't, it will either go away or won't matter because as you hear such things (in case you have to) you'll hear the truth in your head.

Me? My ex did the same for years. Still tries and when she doesn't directly, her husband takes up the cause. In case she forgets, right? I stopped responding unless critical. I don't get angry when she tries to overstep her rights as a parent. I don't play games. I could cause all kinds of havoc for her, but that would just prolong me having to deal with her.

My last email exchange with her and OM? It started out as an innocuous request for insurance information that she turned into a dram filled tirade. Her OM finished it when he demanded my kids I tell them I don't love them because I won't do what their mom demanded. I didn't respond after I had already given the needed information.

This is years later, Matt. And that's just one instance. The accusations etc? There are many. I doubt she even remembers half of them. She's said as much when I reminded her she didn't want to be a co-parent (her words).

It's been said that happiness lies somewhere between what should be, and what is, Matt. I know what is. I know what should be. I do not (any longer) confuse the two.

You are not alone, Matt.

I don't think you should expect any different and I think you should be looking for ways to limit the conversation and interactions as much as possible. Be the first on your block. She'll try to paint herself as mom of the year at your expense. She will. It's what she knows from watching her own family. From her own need to be "right" and you "wrong". It won't really matter if its true or not. At least not for now. Years from now? Maybe, but not likely Matt. And this is not a stress you really need, is it? Put it down and walk away. You deserve that at the very least.

AJ

[Matt165]

Thanks AJ,
It does help to know I'm not alone. W also forgets all the things she's spewed and gets really angry saying "I would never say such a thing". When she complained that she had to pay for contact lenses, she got giddy when I said that I'm trying to pay for food, you want to get her contacts do it. She doesn't 'need" them she has glasses. She said "Oh, I'll be sure to tell her that you don't care if she get contacts", like she relishes a way to make me look bad.

In my case the OP is my FIL. The most passive/aggressive human on the planet. I'm certain he is feeding her just from some of the things she is saying. When he is no longer in the picture MAYBE she will settle down, maybe not, who knows.

I've pretty much been able to limit interactions which may be why this one was so bad. I started out saying I didn't want to talk and hash things out as I wasn't prepared to do that since I didn't even know my lawyer was backing out. She roped me in and that's all my fault...I can't let it happen again! I know that it's up to me to stop letting any of this get to me. I really think that once I get into this new job, I'll be better able to handle things as they come. I will have to spend most of my energy on getting going on the new job. I will say when I wasn't so stressed about money, I was much better able to hold my anger in check. When I have W saying she's paying $123 a WEEK for just my health insurance (which can't be true!) and is tired of "supporting me" and that we need to split expenses 50/50 for D14, even though she out earns me 8 to 1 and thinks the court will tell me that I have to pay 50% even knowing that I can't afford nearly as much as her, it drives me nuts! The court will take into consideration how much we each make, not just say "Even though you don't make enough to pay for half of everything you have to" it just seems to me that she is just so unable to even understand how things work but has no problem spewing about it. Again, I just need to not allow it to get to me! It's all on me now. I just need to step up. I also don't think it helps that now I have to find time to ca;ll my lawyer as well. Don't think it will help as he doesn't want to keep going because he's already been paid his flat fee. It only did flat fee because he thought it was going to be easy. Well, W made sure it wasn't easy and now he doesn't want to keep doing things for free in his mind!

[AJM]

In my case the OP is my FIL. The most passive/aggressive human on the planet. I'm certain he is feeding her just from some of the things she is saying. When he is no longer in the picture MAYBE she will settle down, maybe not, who knows.

That may or may not be true, but in the end, she is responsible for her own behavior. Nobody else. Just like you are for yourself.

I get the stress. I do. By offering a glimpse of other situations, I hope it helps you to put that into perspective and better deal with it. I strongly suggest you discard any expectations of your W. Any, no matter how reasonable. It'll help with the stress

it just seems to me that she is just so unable to even understand how things work but has no problem spewing about it

I dunno. She might have a problem spewing about it. Especially if you're unavailable to hear it. But I think you're right - she doesn't understand and won't even when things happen. May as well beat your head on the wall for all the good it will do. At least you'll get some cardio out of it.

As for the lawyer? I'm sure you'll deal with it. If anyone is going to understand the value of a contract, it's a lawyer

Stay focused on you and your daughters. Give yourself that gift and know that the rest will work itself out regardless of what she thinks, says, or otherwise feels entitled to.

AJ