Mozza (5)

[Wonka]

Mozza,

What are some of the common themes that you see in those threads?

[Mozza]

1. Patience, persistence. Many LBS seem to have given up before things turned around.

2. The WAW turned around when they realized the worth of their LBS.

3. Many LBS were reluctant at first, wary of their WAS.

4. There were As, some quite serious and long lasting.

(Back to decorating the Christmas tree with D3 and D6!)

[Mozza]

I saw my W for one minute yesterday, when I dropped off the kids. She gave me a hug with slow kisses on the cheeks. My hand lingered for one second on her back. It was cordial as usual, I told her what was in the suitcase and started to turn around when I realized she was leaning in for more cheek kisses. I went for it, of course. My, how I miss her. Seeing her was so... familiar. Her cheek was so soft. Oh my...

[Wonka]

I see that you've had your Wet Noodle moment, Mozza. That's a no-go! But you knew that anyway and still fell for W's female wiles.

What's with the men around here???

[Mozza]

Wait, what have I done wrong? (serious question) I looked upbeat in person. She leaned in to kiss me when I arrived and when I was leaving. Was I supposed to stand back and avoid her kisses?

[Wonka]

Yep. Your W is in an A with the OM and she's keeping you in your place as her plan B.

Are you okay with sharing her with another man, Mozza? Are you okay with being in an open M?

[Mozza]

Of course I'm not ok with either. It tortures me that she's with someone else. I hate the two options in front of me: either she's gone for good, or she comes back after taking this "romantic holiday".

So you're saying I need to be cold and distant with her? No niceties and banter, no touching, etc.? Won't she just say "Mozza is a jerk" and hate me for the rest of our lives? It seems like her OM was quite nice to her when he stole her from my M. How do we get to "I want to be with Mozza" with this strategy?

[jim0987]

Its a question that perplexes me as well. so i'm hoping you'll get a good answer

my guess is that it comes down to a mixture of things including:
- she needs to respect you to find you attractive and that means not looking weak ('wet noodle')
- people want what they cant have so she needs to think she cant have you (you become the forbiddent fruit)
- you have to defuse the negatives before the positives can have a meaningful affect

but i have to say that when one of the complaints was about distance or being cold it does seem weird that more of this might turn things around. I dont know anyone who has fallen for the person that pays them no attention. guess thats why they say this is counter intuitive

[LisaB]

Hey Mozza! I know Wonka will have a better reply for you but I will say that you don't need to be cold and distant. You need to show WAW that she can't have you be fun and friendly unless she gives up OM and tries to work on the relationship with you.

That means being polite but distant. No hugs and kisses. For example, if she tries to hug you, let her but don't really reciprocate. If she gives you her cheek to kiss, ignore it. Let her chase you.

Sure she might get angry and hurt and say "Mozza you don't want to hug me? See that is why we are not together, you are so distant! blah blah blah" To which you quietly and calmly respond "W, we are separated and you have a boyfriend. I don't want to hug and kiss you while you are with another man." or something like that. I'm not a vet so I don't know exactly what to say but you get the idea...

And jim,

I dont know anyone who has fallen for the person that pays them no attention. guess thats why they say this is counter intuitive

people fall for the person who ignores them all the time!!! That is so common! Ever heard "people always want what they can't have"?

That's my 2 cents.

Hugs!
Lisa

[Mozza]

Thank you jim0987 and LisaB! Much to say but I'm at work with a client. Also, I think Wonka just replied to this on HPoirot's thread.

HP,

I am firmly on Sandi's side on this one:

Well, I may get switches in my Christmas stockings for saying this, but I would just have to say, "Sorry, too little too late". Then walk away. That is a truth dart that really needs to penetrate.

You see, this is just a taste she will need to experience. She has to see for herself that you are through with her. You have decided you won't take whatever crumbs she decides to leave for you. She needs to see what it must have been like for you. (Only she can't really feel the same as you did.) That is why it is important that you don't cave while she's applying this pressure.

That ^^ is the crux of the whole matter: not accepting crumbs from WAW. I hope every LBH reads this and lets that sink in in their wet noodle minds. HP, no it will signal the death knell of the M. Instead, it will signal the death knell of the Wet Noodle HP and show your W that you mean business when it comes to your boundaries.