Old dog seeks new trick 5

[Old Dog]

I can't believe I haven't posted anything in almost two weeks. Sorry for not checking in with you. I've been trying to keep busy and GAL, largely successfully I'm glad to say, I'm but I'm back here to ask for help in shrugging my shoulders.

Today, I went to a 'feel the fear and do it anyway' workshop. I'd read the book and when I found out about the workshop, I thought it would be good to go along. And it was good.

The shoulder shrugging plea comes about because, I got home to discover my wife had rented the 12 Years A Slave DVD and watched it this afternoon while I was out.

I am exasperated. I would really have liked to watch that. Sometimes it seems she tries to make a point of 'doing things separately'. But for crying out loud, why couldn't she have waited until this evening. I know I should just shrug my shoulders and say whatever, it's a long haul etc but ... well, you all know.

On the plus side we are suppoded to be playing a game this evening. And it's been held over from last weekend when we ran out of time before I had to head off to my work flat. So that's a positive. They didn't play it without me afetr I'd gone, nor during the week.

How are the rest of you all doing anyway?

[Old Dog]

We had an enjoyable couple of board games this evening after which the kids disappeared off to their rooms to play computer games.

I felt some fear but broached the subject of christmas. I asked what are we doing? I asked if she wanted me to go her parents to which she replied she didn't know. She doesn't want to make it awkward for anyone. I said I won't make it awkward and se said she doesn't want her parents to feel awkward it's not just her.

Later on, after a bit of silence, I asked if she would like to go to the cinema next weekend to see Turner, the new film about the celebrated artist. I know she wants to see it but she felt the kids wouldn't enjoy it, to which I said they don't need to come, we could go together. She wasn't keen on this: she said it felt 'innappropriate'.

Holding me at arms length then. As as mentioned earlier, she seems to be making a point of doing this separately.

I made a cup of tea for us and tried to engage in some conversation. I told her I'm doing yoga and going to a mindfulness meeting. I think that tipped her over the edge as she sloped off to bed soon after. Maybe that was too much in one go. :-)

Sure, I feel our problems are so solvable compared to many on here. It is so frustrating she won't consider working on our relationship but my ability to detachment and let go is coming on. My PMA is shining through. I can handle it (feel the fear that is).

I do miss her so much though.

[Old Dog]

WAW has got up early and gone for a walk, I presume. Maybe to try and think clearly.

Gotta stop my own mind reading tricks, so time to go and rake some leaves.

[gan]

Hmmm…feel the fear. Just read the book description. Sounds interesting.

I don't think your challenges are any more or less "solvable" than anyone else here. Like most folks, you are dealing with a W who isn't willing to give things another chance right now. It's hard being kept at arms length from people we love so dearly. Really hard.

Give the white shirt and trousers a go (not while you're raking the leaves). If that doesn't work, then give the white pants a go ;-)

[Vanilla]

Old Dog

You are near a city which is wonderous especially at Xmas time.

I would love to see you GAL there with your teenagers, winter wonderland, regent street, Harrods food hall, a trip up the eye to see Xmas London in all its glory. The moving statues, the iMax, fluffy Xmas films etc etc etc.......

A golden opportunity/excuse for the evenings which each is isolated in their rooms to connect. Each child needs alone time with each parent. No loose ends needed, no need to shrug, you have ready made in house GAL, you have a work flat to share.

Mix the raw ingredients with water, shake the cobwebs and go do it. Life outside the bubble awaits. Mix and match with your kids, enjoy, enrich and go laugh out loud. No wait time. You don't need W for that, stop asking permission, you don't need it.
A plan for the next time

Vanilla

[Old Dog]

Last weekend I brought up the Xmas holiday thing.

This weekend WAW has decided we should spend the time separately with our respective families. It would send a message to the kids consistent with what we told them a couple of months ago about doing things together and separately. So she wants go to her folks on Boxing Day for a couple of days and I take the kids to my family over the New Year.

I said that it was crap (oops) and also said I was disappointed to which she said that was proof that I’m still holding out hope. Then she went on about how I’m still sticking my head in the sand and how she’s frustrated with me still having hope and it feels like June 1st (bomb day) again. She reiterated that our relationship is over, it has run its course.

I said you know this isn’t what I want, it doesn’t have to be that way. She said that as long as she doesn’t mention our relationship, I’m just going along ticking the boxes and hoping that one day everything will be all right and it will go back to how it was before. I said I didn’t want it to be like before.

I didn’t really get a chance at validating as we didn’t really discuss what went wrong, we’ve done that. She just doesn’t want this relationship any longer.

I feel so sad that all my work in trying to improve myself, get back on an even keel and get a life is just rebuffed as though I’m only doing it to win her back.

One thing I learnt from the recent ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ workshop I went on is: I can handle it.

I won’t let this setback put me off. I am getting back to my normal happy self (well actually fighting back a tear at the moment). I am trying to look at everything with a more positive frame of mind. Reevaluating everything. My beliefs, my attitude, my disposition, my behaviour, my outlook on life.

At the end of the day, I understand I can’t make her change my mind, all I can do is be the best I can. I’ve still got a long way to go with that. Feeling the fear but doing it anyway.

[Old Dog]

Rats, it has affected me more than just feeling sad. I had to go and sit in the car and cry for a bit and now I feel angry although I'm trying not to show it. I can handle it. I will handle it.

Just decorated the Xmas tree, at my suggestion, and before that practised guitar with S12. Gotta go back down to my work flat in about half an hour and leave them all behind again to carry on our separate lives.

Somebody tell me this is a great opportunity to learn and discover myself, be the man I want to be etc.

Please.

[raliced]

Ok- I'll do it. This is a great opportunity to learn and discover yourself and be the man you want to be.

That being said,Old Dog - the holidays seem to really intensify a lot of challenging emtions for people so I'd give yourself a little bit of a break on this one.

When your wife starts in on the "you're holding out hope" conversation, instead of trying to reason with her, I would just end the conversation as quickly as possible, as it always seems to land you in a bit of a funk.

Do you do egg nog there? If not, I'm sure there is another suitably festive beverage available. Have a glass.

[Vanilla]

We are all going to leap in here!

OD you are doing this for you, of course it looks like hope sometimes. Frankly that's irrelevant to you and W opinion is as you say her view. If it's not working for you maybe it needs a review? Too much thinking and too little GAL is my 2c worth.

Evaluation is great, but I am going to keep on saying it. GAL, seriously where is it? You need loads and loads more GAL in your life OD. What is planned for GAL for Xmas?

GAL is your tool for PMA.

The new Hobbit film is out too, maybe time for a trip with one of the kids?

RD is a master at family GAL. Go do it, look at Jims thread and the terrific GAL on there, I do hope he learns to dance. gg and GGG go GAL too. Head up, new boots and go get some fun stuff. There is tons of it, it isn't in limited supply.

Please list your GAL goals, for Xmas and into the New Year.
Dance, sing and be merry
Vanilla

[Old Dog]

Thanks (non gender specific) guys. It's good to know there are people out there who you can talk to. My flatmates are also brilliant. Unfortunately, they're going to be away this week. Oh well, I'll handle it. That's my new catch phrase, courtesy of Susan Jeffers.

raliced, our conversations don't last long. Once she's dug her heels in again and reiterated her "it's over, it is what it is" point, I don't argue much. I just said it doesn't have to be this way today and got busy doing something else. The trouble is I've been dwelling on it all day now. I watched a couple of programmes on my iPad on the train on the way down which took my mind off it for a bit. We do have egg nog, but I've had one and don't know what it is. Cue for Maybell to jump in with a challenge, or maybe you will raliced.

Vanilla, I've been doing well on the GAL front for the past couple of months and will continue. You're right, it really does help. It's just today's ruling has dInted my PMA somewhat.

This week, I've got yoga on Monday, Skyping a friend on Tuesday, Mindfullness on Wednesday. On Thursday I'm off home after work as WAW has a work function to go to. And So Friday I'm working from home. Luckily my line manager is amenable to this. WAW is also staying over on Friday night as a client is entertaining them. Spot the cake eating.

Maybe I should just have said no, why should I run around enabling your work and social life. If I didn't go back home, she wouldn't be able to go. If you want to do things on your own without me, off you go then sort that one out on your own.

But it's not in my nature and it would probably cause aggravation when I want some cover. Actually, I never need cover as I'm not the main child career during the week.

Xmas GAL. I don't know just yet as I've been awaiting the verdict about whether I'm allowed to go to the in laws.

On thing lined up is a friends birthday party on 29th in London. WAW doesn't want to go as its my friend. Er, not our friend any more then?

Well all go to see the Hobbit though. Well I say that but I wouldn't put it put her to take the kids when I'm not there. I might get cross if that does happen though.