CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516365
12/11/14 06:23 PM
12/11/14 06:23 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Wonka Offline
Member
Wonka  Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
RPP,

We are always evolving and changing. Nothing is ever static.

Originally Posted By: rppfl
My challenge, then, is to act a different way. What actions do I need to take to define myself in a different way? Who do I want to be, and how does that person act? I don't know the answer, as I said earlier, I don't really have any role models for this. But suddenly it doesn't seem as hard as I thought it was.


You are a blank canvas. What would you like to see on it? What kinds of activities that you can do on your own and own it yourself? Take art classes? Enter baking competitions? What would you like for RRP to be when she grows up?

You are the paintbrush. Pick whatever colors strikes your fancy and put them up on the canvas.

Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516384
12/11/14 06:53 PM
12/11/14 06:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Denver
Underdog Offline
Member
Underdog  Offline
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Denver
I like Wonka's visualization, rpp...

I think most of us find ourselves acting differently after motherhood. It changes us--forever. I don't know if I could (or even want to) go back to being the Betsey I was in my 20s. She had fun, was fun to be with, but she lacked the experience that the middle aged Betsey is happy to put to use. grin

BUT... there are aspects of that Betsey I'm trying to reincorporate: 1) be more willing to say yes; 2) be more willing to get out of my comfort zone; 3) when it's "me" time, act like an individual rather than a mom (this is *really* hard - especially when laundry calls), etc. I realize it's the holidays and not realistic, but maybe just do something for yourself that is in the self-care category? I've made an appointment for a massage next Wednesday...

Someone out there challenged me to write my own obit. I didn't sit down with a pen, but I thought about what I'd want it to say. I didn't even know where to start. What I *did* know, is that I didn't want it to say "she was a great employee" or even "she gave up things that gave her passion to make cookies for the bake sale". (BOOOOORRRRING)

If you were on your own with no responsibilities, what would you be doing to feed your soul?

When I figured out what I'd do if money weren't in the mix, one passion jumped out. So I started to create a vision of what I *could* do to get there - at least to do something on the side. And funny, I think in the process, I've created a job that actually could pay me to do it. How awesome is that? I first need to finish what I'm doing now so I can make that leap. Can't wait. But you can work toward it. You might or might not be surprised at what divine help you get once you give yourself permission to dream. cool


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Wonka] #2516633
12/12/14 02:13 PM
12/12/14 02:13 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
SunnyB  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
Good morning! Yesterday was a good day. D16 had a different ride home from school, which freed me up to get to D12's basketball game on time. She didn't play, of course, she's still on crutches, but H came and we sat together and chatted. Afterwards, I helped him with some kid driving logistics. Later in the evening, H came over and put the lights on the Christmas tree. We always wait a couple of days for the tree branches to "fall out" from being bundled up before we decorate. It was his idea to come over last night and it was fine by me. The house looked good, I had a candle lit, Christmas music playing. It was relaxing. The girls and I will hang the ornaments this weekend. H got the cheeky kiss when he left. I look at him and see a friend I've known for 27 years, but there's no spark.

Originally Posted By: Wonka

You are a blank canvas. What would you like to see on it? What kinds of activities that you can do on your own and own it yourself? Take art classes? Enter baking competitions? What would you like for RRP to be when she grows up?


When I was a young thing and newly M, I had a 5-year plan. It involved finishing my M.Acc, passing the CPA, achieving a certain title at my work, and having my first baby. Check, check, check, and check. I've been drifting ever since. Baking cookies, driving carpool, etc. etc., all the things you already know about me. I don't have a plan anymore, and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. But I'm going to give that some serious thought this weekend. I feel like I'm just on the edge of something really good. That sounds crazy, how could I possibly feel so good about the next year when it may very well bring me a D, or at the least a lot of gut-wrenching work to piece back together a M. But I just do. Today anyway.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Underdog] #2516638
12/12/14 02:22 PM
12/12/14 02:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
B
bdub Offline
Member
bdub  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
Losing your identity is a very common thing. I devoted my life to my boys and in the process forgot to be a husband and forgot who I was.
I dont want to go back to being the person (can't say man) I was at 20. My goal right now is to make sure I make a little time for me and that I get out of my comfort zone once a day. This is getting harder to do. Each time I step out of the box, it seems as if the box gets a little bigger.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2516648
12/12/14 02:45 PM
12/12/14 02:45 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
B
bdub Offline
Member
bdub  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
In the past few days I've told two more people about the S. I tear up each time. And I don't even know why, it's not like I'm miserable about it, I'm actually enjoying my life right now. But I just can't tell anyone, not even the most basic fact that we are S, without tearing up. I honestly don't understand

I can relate. Last night was S10's christmas program. I let S13 stay home. Dropped S10 off at his room and walked into the front of the gym. The sight of all of the "families" gathered to see the program was more than I could handle. I walked through the crowd aimlessly by myself for a few minutes and then walked out the back door and sat in my truck.
Not real proud of that but I learned a lesson and will NOT let it happen again. Sometimes we are not as strong as we would like to be.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2516650
12/12/14 02:53 PM
12/12/14 02:53 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
SunnyB  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
Originally Posted By: bdub
In the past few days I've told two more people about the S. I tear up each time. And I don't even know why, it's not like I'm miserable about it, I'm actually enjoying my life right now. But I just can't tell anyone, not even the most basic fact that we are S, without tearing up. I honestly don't understand

I can relate. Last night was S10's christmas program. I let S13 stay home. Dropped S10 off at his room and walked into the front of the gym. The sight of all of the "families" gathered to see the program was more than I could handle. I walked through the crowd aimlessly by myself for a few minutes and then walked out the back door and sat in my truck.
Not real proud of that but I learned a lesson and will NOT let it happen again. Sometimes we are not as strong as we would like to be.


Sorry, bdub. But at least you learned something about yourself and how to avoid it in the future.

This is still kind of a mystery to me. I think I just still equate S with failure and social stigma, as if I'm being judged. And I think it's because I don't know many D people, and even fewer that are not in a R at all. It's fear of the unknown, maybe? Fear of being looked down on? Fear of being pitied?

I have not yet had to give a marital status to someone I didn't know. It will be interesting the first time I meet someone new and it comes up in the conversation. I've thought about what to say, and I can't lie and say I'm D, saying I'm S seems like too much information, so I've settled on M because it's true. And if anyone sticks around to get to know me, they would figure it out anyway. It's just that saying anything other than "happily married" never entered my mind.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516658
12/12/14 03:15 PM
12/12/14 03:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
B
bdub Offline
Member
bdub  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
I was determined to never have that happen to me again. I had an hour to kill so instead of sulking about it I came up with a bunch of scenerios and creative ideas on how to handle them.
I apologized to S10 and he laughed and said it was ok, he didn't want to be there either. He then told me a funny story about his friend falling off the riser and we laughed and moved on.


It's emberassing rpp. I know what you are trying to say.
I worry about what people are thinking. I worry about the questions I will have to answer. I worry about being seen as a failure.

I can tell you this: I have encountered the questions and have somewhat openly talked about my sitch with others. Amazingly, not one single reaction from one single person has been as bad as I had imagined.
In my sitch, I started talking to the people I thought would handle it the best. I am to the point now I openly talk about "single" or "seperated" issues and I am not ashamed of it.
For example I was talking with a close co-worker about splitting the cell phone bill. A not-so-close co-worker (I don't like her at all)walked up and I continued talking. She chimed in with some good wisdom and advice I just may take.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2516664
12/12/14 03:40 PM
12/12/14 03:40 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
L
labug Offline
Member
labug  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
"I feel like I'm just on the edge of something really good."

How great is that?

Usually our problems are only a fleeting thought to other people. They have their own dramas.

And those who might dwell or judge, how sad their lives must be, huh?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2516726
12/12/14 06:45 PM
12/12/14 06:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
SunnyB  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
Originally Posted By: labug
Usually our problems are only a fleeting thought to other people. They have their own dramas.

And those who might dwell or judge, how sad their lives must be, huh?


OK, fair enough. I hope that's true.

I personally know plenty of gossipy women who would happily blame everything wrong in the world on a D. And maybe they all really do need to get a life.

I certainly need a wider circle of friends, without a doubt. Something to work on in my upcoming Best Year of My Life.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516801
12/12/14 09:57 PM
12/12/14 09:57 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
SunnyB  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
Originally Posted By: rppfl

I think I just still equate S with failure and social stigma, as if I'm being judged.


I just heard someone on the radio say that failure is living a lie and that confronting and dealing with the truth is success. Funny how the right thing comes along at the right time



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004