Its been 3 years since the betrayel , and getting back together....He's fine, I'm still not healing...I'm worrried that it will be like this forever - feelings of worthlessness, hurt,anger overwhelm me once overy 2 weeks or so...I dpn't know what to do. I can't go to a councellor, I feel like I'll just make it worse...I've been trying to 'fake it till you make it'. He is very remorseful, and seems genuinely 'back'...but I'm in a state of mixed feelings in that I don't care if he's back or not, and fearful that its just going to happen again. I keep telling myself don't be stupid like you were the first time round. This happens about 10% of the time. The other 90% is ok...ish.
Just venting here at my old place of venting...hoping it will help me....
I'm not sure venting is helpful long term, it might decrease the pressure momentarily but if the source of the pressure is still cranking it out, you're just delaying the inevitable.
Why not see an IC? You've tried it your way it doesn't seem to be working? Try something different.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It's been 2.5 years and I feel exactly how you feel. I'm putting myself first and trying very hard to get my feelings under control before I make any life changing decisions.
I think what you are explaining is normal and to be expected. Moreover, the fact that you have made it three years in and can say you feel "OK-ish" 90% of the time WITHOUT having been to IC/MC...that is virtually a miracle.
That said, knowing what I have learned so far you really should consider (at least) going to IC or MC. You don't have to do carry what you are carrying alone or without help. I do not know the full picture of your "case" - but I view everyone's situation like this - you took a lot of emotional hits and suffered a lot of emotional hurt and damage (I'm guessing). You have to PUT that somewhere healthy. If you cram it into a safe and swallow it you can be certain that it will leak out slowly over time in unhealthy ways...anger...resentment....depression...and so on. I am guessing that would explain the "ish" in "90-ish" and for sure explain the 10% of the time when you are not doing well.
If your H is remorseful on some level and appears to be all-in for your relationship, don't be afraid to say you need that kind of help. Be brave.
One tip for dealing with intrusive thoughts. If you find your mind going back to the same topic over and over again, give that thought or collection of thoughts a file name. Then, when you catch your mind going to that topic, picture a filing cabinet and stop to think to yourself, "I have the [fill in the blank] file out again." If the recurring thoughts are intrusive and not helpful to think about in that particular moment, then picture yourself opening the file cabinet and putting it away for another day. For me my files are things like "Oh, I have the mistress pulling up in my driveway file out again," or "Oh, I have the coming home to half the furniture being gone file out again." Similar to picturing a stop sign it helps to regain some control over what you think about.
Also, it can be helpful to keep an actual written checklist in your pocket for when the 10% doubt occurs. What things does he do to make you feel loved? List those things. Then, when you feel doubt try to recall the most recent time he's done those things you listed. Since you said he is in fact doing the things you need him to help you heal you can sort of talk yourself down from assuming the worst about him.
Hope this helps!
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
Thank you everyone. Crimson...I feel like if I were to go to acouncellor it would be like letting the flood gates open- I feel like the only thing keeping us together was me not 'exploding' . He is the type of person that would take 5 years to recover from his own mistake if someone rubbed it in....and I fear going to a councellor would render me....restraintless in letting him know howmuch he hurt me. Which would equate to 5 years 'recouperation' on his part (if not more). So I suck it up. But I do see its slso not the answer Hes slready naming our next children...and making plans....and I'm.... Lost still:(
i'm also aware that I might be putting my 8 year old ahead of me here....he would crumble if we were to seperate It weighs on my mind very heavily. How can any woman put herself ahead of a child..:(
Obviously you haven't forgiven him for his transgressions. If he is remorseful, and has made an effort to make the changes, what do you think is holding you back from forgiveness? I realize forgiveness isn't easy, however it is required to have a fulfilling relationship. Of course if the other party is remorseful.
Also, if you are unable to see an IC/MC for fear of rocking the boat, then you are simply trying to ignore a big issue. It isn't going to resolve on its own. The issue needs to be given some attention. If you don't communicate, how is he supposed to know?
My 2 cents.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I feel like if I were to go to acouncellor it would be like letting the flood gates open- I feel like the only thing keeping us together was me not 'exploding' .
Pie, going to a counselor doesn't mean you have to come home and explode at your H. It could be a safe space for you to talk about what's still upsetting you and the counselor could help you come up with a plan to improve the situation for yourself. Do you feel like your H has done everything you've needed him to? Is there anything you need from the m that he isn't providing?
I understand your concerns about your child's happines, but kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. I'm not saying get a D. But at least try and figure out what Pie requires to be happy. Surely your child would benefit from seeing you live a happy life, not one you feel miserable in. Listen, I agree we all need to make sacrifices for our children, but not at the total disregard of our own needs.
We are all routing for you. Keep your head up.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
You don't have to go to gether to a councilor. But you should go alone.
I don't think you have forgiven him.
Why are you together? This is horrible what you are going through.
This time you're the one that is not being honest.
And you simply CANNOT fake it till you make it.
This poison needs to come out or it will kill your relationship.
He is going to have to hear some of this and while it might hurt him so will a divorce.
If you aren't healing then your marriage isn't healed.
You guys would benefit from learning how to talk and listen to each other without hurting or being hurt by the words. A counselor would help facilitate that.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I feel like if I were to go to acouncellor it would be like letting the flood gates open- I feel like the only thing keeping us together was me not 'exploding' .
Pie, going to a counselor doesn't mean you have to come home and explode at your H. It could be a safe space for you to talk about what's still upsetting you and the counselor could help you come up with a plan to improve the situation for yourself. Do you feel like your H has done everything you've needed him to? Is there anything you need from the m that he isn't providing?
From what you said here (and amend it if need be) it SOUNDS as if the problem of forgiveness, is yours.
So, how was forgiveness modeled for you in your childhood? (I never saw it growing up). For some of us, it's a learned skill and for ALL of us, it's mandatory to staying married. Meaning, all long term marriages require forgiveness of the other spouse, at some point. We all hurt ourselves and or our spouses at some time. We have to learn to forgive and we must learn how to accept forgiveness as well.
Have you spoken to a minister/priest or someone spiritual? I say that, b/c for believers, forgiveness is partly a spiritual matter.
For others, it's all emotional or moral, and usually we need guidance. For me, it was all 3. I wanted to forgive but somehow I felt as if forgiving was risking. It's not really. I came to see that Not forgiving, was as risky as forgiveness was. Maybe more so.
IF you want to forgive, and I do mean "if", you still may need to learn HOW to forgive b/c like I said, some of us never saw it growing up.
Have you heard of or read the book "After the Affair"? I'm told it can be helpful.
Also, Marianne Williamson has some books out that include exercises of forgiveness. I got a lot out of her books, though some find her too "new agey".
"Return to Love" and "Handling Our Fear/Anger" are among the ones I found most useful
(I might be wrong on the title of the second one but those words are included)
I hope this or other posters helps.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/16/1507:23 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
See if this story helps illustrate the point I’m trying to make, however feebly. It's a true story...
I grew up with a neighbor who was a retired Army Colonel. He had been a POW for several years, in Vietnam.
He and his wife had 5 kids. Years before they moved into our neighborhood, the Colonel had had an affair with some OW. How did I, a young 17 y/o girl and neighbor, know that the Colonel had had an A?
Oh, I knew b/c everyone knew, b/c "Mrs Colonel" made sure we all knew, so we would not think he was such a great guy.
There were times I wanted to ask the Colonel about his POW experiences. But Mrs. C- would steer the topic away. I truly believed for years, that she was protecting him from a bad memory.
Then l learned that she simply didn't like him getting that type of attention.
At the time we knew the family, the Colonel was kind, funny, handsome, strong, and really just a good guy. Yes, we DID admire him.
In contrast, SHE was a bitter, small person. She made a snide remark for her h at every turn. From how he over cooked the grilled meat, "as usual", to undermining the value of an Army reference letter he wrote for my h. She could NOT give that man a kind word to save her soul.
She never praised him in front of her kids or us, and she would undermine or question a compliment others would give him. She seemed to live to make him pay. I'm not exaggerating.
She was NOT kind to him at all. Seemed like she never let him forget what SHE had endured & what HE had done to her.
Today, 3+ decades later, only 1 of their 5 kids is married, their only son. It's his 2nd (or 3rd? marriage).
The others -all daughters-- are all single. 2 never married, which is unusual these days. The other 2 daughters keep on getting married, repeatedly.
IMO, the choice that Mrs C- made was the worst of all choices.
She could have divorced him. AND OR She could have gone to counseling and therapy, to learn how to forgive him.
But instead, she made the worst AND maybe the most tempting choice; she stayed married AND stayed miserable.
She never let Colonel forget his sins.
She held it over his head like the Sword of Damacles.
She threw it in his face (or threatened to) every time they fought.
She did NOT Forgive him and she did not even try to. Not in a serious humbling way. She learned nothing about herself or her role in any of it.
Ironically, from where we sat, from what WE saw, at the time we knew them, HE was the victim and she was the wrongdoer...
She was not a woman we sympathized with. I think she should have let him go when she found out about the A; OR as soon as she realized she could not forgive him; AND OR she should have learned how to forgive.
She could have left her children a beautiful legacy. She COULD have taught and passed on to them, the concepts and practices of true forgiveness, real redemption, deep love, and full commitment.
Instead, she passed onto them dark suspicions, distrust, cynicism, bitterness and BIG time grudge holding. I'm pretty sure she held onto her "Grievance list" forever. Talk about keeping a record of wrongs...She did not think he "deserved" forgiveness -- so she overlooked how many others were affected by her choice not to forgive.
I wish she had heard what I heard a few years back, which was "Holding onto anger, to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,
----- ----- ----- to get smoke in their eyes."
Pie, we are all here supporting you. You can do this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hes slready naming our next children...and making plans....and I'm.... Lost still:(