That sounds like a rough day. give yourself a bit of time on it then let it go (and rise like the break of dawn)
no 3 on your list I got on BD and its been consistent since so it absolutely feels like my W is 100% done with our M and maybe she is. Its really hurtful especially if they seem relaxed and happy about it.
Feelings change for good or bad and we have to make the best of whatever we are dealt.
Personally I think this is place for people who have a sense that if we work on ourselves things will work out better for us - whether that means a renewed and better M or something else. either way you need to live your life as best you can and be a great example to your D (which you are).
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
That is exactly my H's sentiment and I'm still fairly new to all of this. I've read several of your posts and yours is one of the stories I identify with the most in terms of our husbands' attitudes about their marriages. My husband says he tried too, but I didn't get the memo that as we were living our lives day to day and yes, at times, struggling because we didn't have the right tools and information about what it takes to have a healthy marriage, that he was trying. I do actually have a question for you that I'll post another time when I don't have the flu and the whole bath/bedtime routine looming in front of me. For what it's worth though, I think you're doing really well and are showing excellent strength through all of this.
Last edited by Lorelai; 12/05/1411:53 PM.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
It stinks. But there was most likely nothing you could have done b
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. The idea that we can fight to save our Ms. The reality is that we can't do anything to bring our spouse back. There aren't as many Rs as there are Ds. And those that do R- while I'm sure they worked hard, they also had a spouse that came back. Give 25 or Starsky a spouse that wasnt able to do their own work or look back at some point and they wouldn't have a restored M. So this doesn't mean you did something wrong. For all I know you are the best DBer in history and for stack with a due of a WAH.
I know DBing is healthy and effective, I know it's a win even when it's a loss. I just don't like the fact that it seems to prolong the grieving process for those that are on this path. Detachment is key, but he line between detachment and denial (secretly hoping it will work out) is a thin one to the untrained eye.
Doesn't change how unfair that feels. I just know that while I never, ever, ever x 1,000,000 wanted to have to accept a D...at least I will know that I did everything I could, and I'm not just another person that shrugged and wrote off the M and jumped into a rebound. No, I'll be able to look my next partner in the eyes and tell proudly what I did, and commit that loyalty to them.
At this point I wish you the strength to truly let go as he's probay gone, but the strength to continue on your road for YOU as well. You will at least know you walked a road you're proud of and have the skills to do better with a partner who's commitment matches yours next time.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You told your H EXACTLY what I would love to the mine. Love IS a choice and I still cannot comprehend how someone can abandon their family. I'm pretty sure my H is done with our M, too. I hope that one day I will be able to accept this. I'm not there, yet. Sending prayers your way.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
Claire, I don't really have a sense that it will work out for me, either (at least in terms of H coming back - we've set Dec. 14 as the date that I'll sign his filing paperwork) but I still think this is a good board to be a part of. Sometimes those conversations just need to be had, I think - you've said what you've wanted to say, maybe now you can feel a little more at peace knowing you've said everything you could (that you may have been holding back for awhile now) and there's no more you can do, at least regarding H. After I had a similar conversation I now don't have lingering doubts like "maybe he didn't know I'm still invested in this.. maybe he thinks I gave up." I told him how I felt about it, he is still making this choice, that's all we can do. Now it's time to focus on yourself. I don't post much because I don't usually feel like I have good advice... and I don't have kids so it's hard for me to relate to that part (even when I think I have something to say, I'm reluctant to because what do I know, I don't have kids!) But I do read all your posts.
Speaking of reading your posts... re: the house. Does your H have any interest in keeping/living in the house? Could you sell it to him and you move out w/ D? Assuming it will work that way where you live and based on your situation (if I'm remembering correctly you have your own income so it's not like it's solely paid for by him?) even if he doesn't want to live there, maybe he'd agree to buy it and then he can take care of whatever he wants to do with it after that point (rent it out, sell it, live in it, whatever?) Then you could get your payout without the hassle! My H thinks the house is a "good investment" so I'll be selling it to him, and therefore he's taking care of all the refinancing, title stuff, etc., and all I need to do is sign it over to him (and get the check!!) If he wants to sell it later, fine, not my problem - I can wash my hands of it.
Last edited by KGirl; 12/06/1403:56 AM.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
It stinks. But there was most likely nothing you could have done b
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. The idea that we can fight to save our Ms. The reality is that we can't do anything to bring our spouse back. There aren't as many Rs as there are Ds. And those that do R- while I'm sure they worked hard, they also had a spouse that came back. Give 25 or Starsky a spouse that wasnt able to do their own work or look back at some point and they wouldn't have a restored M. So this doesn't mean you did something wrong. For all I know you are the best DBer in history and for stack with a due of a WAH.
I know DBing is healthy and effective, I know it's a win even when it's a loss. I just don't like the fact that it seems to prolong the grieving process for those that are on this path. Detachment is key, but he line between detachment and denial (secretly hoping it will work out) is a thin one to the untrained eye.
Doesn't change how unfair that feels. I just know that while I never, ever, ever x 1,000,000 wanted to have to accept a D...at least I will know that I did everything I could, and I'm not just another person that shrugged and wrote off the M and jumped into a rebound. No, I'll be able to look my next partner in the eyes and tell proudly what I did, and commit that loyalty to them.
At this point I wish you the strength to truly let go as he's probay gone, but the strength to continue on your road for YOU as well. You will at least know you walked a road you're proud of and have the skills to do better with a partner who's commitment matches yours next time.
I agree with a lot of this. It's also nice to see that there are people who still believe in marriage and doing whatever it takes. Even if our current marriages don't work out I think we will all be better equipped in our next relationships, maybe change the stats of the D rate for marriage #2!
Claire, you have been amazingly strong thru all of this, you can walk out the door without slamming it, you still have a choice. (())
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Um, I'm going to take a slightly different view...
This: I brought up whether it was appropriate to spend money on extra-marital activities. "Would you be ok if I spent joint money on an expensive gift for my boyfriend?" He said, "Sure, that's fine. I know you aren't the type of person to go crazy with spending. I trust you."
makes me laugh.
You know why?
It shows he hasn't even thought you could possibly have a boyfriend. He can't fathom you would have a boyfriend and so he answered that question glibly because he does trust you. You've absorbed thirteen months of separation and absolutely no feeding of your love tank and you're still outright asking him to come back and fix things with you. You've given him all the power. In his mind, he can stay gone as long as he wants and come back any time and you'll be glad to have him. There doesn't even seem to be any expectation of him doing any self-examination.
He was answering whether he thought it was ok for him to spend money extramaritally because he's very very aware that he hasn't really lost you. You've urged him to come back to the M every chance you've had. You haven't looked like a woman who's made changes and moved on. You've looked like someone who made changes for him and has been patiently waiting in the window for him to notice you.
I'm not trying to kick you while you're down. I'm really not. I hope my saying this so bluntly will open the possibility of a different tunnel to you. You see what I just posted on my own thread a few minutes ago (and writing this to you now confirms that I'm on the right track in my own situation, in spite of my wobble), so you know I understand how you're feeling.
I mentioned to you not too long ago that you seem to have lost your power. Find it! Where is that awesome sassy voice you were using to clobber foolish fellas a few months ago??? Do NOT give your H the ability to kick you in front of a bus. You are worth a LOT more than that.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
For what it's worth though, I think you're doing really well and are showing excellent strength through all of this.