frankly my darling...

[Vanilla]

Vanilla, you're right -- I'm not pro-marriage if it means staying in an open marriage in which my husband is openly dating another person and my daughter knows about it. I think that's setting a pretty terrible example for my daughter. Thank you for reminding me why I probably shouldn't be on these boards.

I am reminding you why you need to be on these boards.

You are clearly pro marriage! And like DB not pro open marriage.

In order to get to a closed marriage, open marriage may have to be accepted but you don't have to like it, go along with it, or accept it in your life. Just keep on doing core DB if you want results with or without H.

I would like to be clearer so I hope a vet will chip in.

Vanilla

[Maybell]

Ahoy, I've been quiet lately because I've been working, but I want you to stay on the boards. Selfishly. Also unselfishly, because it is important to be able to say the things we think aren't allowed or acceptable to the people we have to face in real life. This is a good space for that.

I think I mentioned a week or two ago that there had been people on the boards when I first joined who came to the decision that divorce was the right thing for their lives and that they were really happy. You could tell in their voices that they were happy with the decision. You don't sound like that. So please, at least stick around till you can get in that place.

I think there are a couple of reasons why people keep urging you to stand for your marriage:

1) You don't sound done and when you try to sound done it sounds more like defensive posturing than truly done. You are rightfully very angry.

2) We are all a little hung up on our own wishes and we want as many people here to share them as possible because so few people in our daily lives do. So we're projecting on you.

Where you are right now is that you don't want the marriage, which is fine. But I think it's tangled in your anger and hurt, especially given what you've told us about your interactions with your H a year ago when you were both going through the depths of your various health issues. And the fact that yours are ongoing and he's behaving in this callous manner.

I for one will absolutely respect your attitude toward dissolution for as long as it stays this way. I won't assume a change in it till you specifically say you've changed. (I can't speak for anyone else, and those who jump in here and there will probably keep bumbling in that way, so please be patient...) But it would be really, really helpful to yourself if you could work towards getting in the place where you sound cheerful and enthusiastic about dissolution. I know that sounds like a tall order... But if you're going to embrace it, embrace it in hope and excitement rather than anger.

What do you think???

[Vanilla]

What Maybell said ^^^^^^^^^

please move to PMA whether D or R

Vanilla

[Ahoy]

I actually feel very good about the possibility of dissolution, now that I've accepted it as a reality. In the past week, I've been able to visualize a life going forward on my own without fear, and it feels really good. It feels better than the possible years of dealing with an H in MLC and the consequences of infidelity, actually. Maybe I'm quick to throw in the towel. It's been six months since BD, but his affair has likely been going on much longer, and this is his choice to leave me and have a girlfriend. He has not wavered in his decision at all.

I'm getting closer to a place of peace in accepting his decision and even feeling like this might end up being the best thing for both of us in the long run. Whatever happens will happen, but in my heart I have started to move on, and it feels better. I was angry initially after H told D14 about his girlfriend, because it brought up a lot of issues, but now that I've had a week to let that go, and have told my H that I need space, I'm started to focus on my own needs and desires for the future. I don't want to stay sad and angry -- those are very unproductive emotions. Of course, I'll have flashes of them from time to time, but my goal is to move through that to a place of peaceful acceptance.

[rd500]

As always I wish you the best. Take care. Rd

[JCred]

Ahoy,
You actually sound quite healthy. Good for you.
You are on the right track. Keep up the good work.

[Little]

I will admit that it is easier to have a wayward spouse dark (no contact, not in your face) than it is constantly have to deal with someone who won't X, Y and Z, especially when you want to work to save an R.

I chafe without BF in my life, even through text messages, but I find my PMA is higher when things are silent. I still think about him every moment of every day (working on it), but now there's nothing to react to.

Do what you need to do for you. There are no wrong answers.

[Ahoy]

So just found out through mother of D14's friend that D14 was sick yesterday, but H told her to "calm down" and go to school anyway. Then H later called the office and said he would pick her up. I suspect he had some work things to do, and so made her go to school sick so he could get them done, then picked her up. Makes my blood boil. D14 is home sick today as well. I so wish I could be with her. She cried when she had to go to H's place this weekend for the trade-off. It feels good knowing that I can be free of him, but for her it is much harder. He will always be in her life, he will always be her father. I hope they can grow a healthy relationship in spite of the issues he's caused, but that is entirely up to them. I just have to be careful to not be negative about him in front of her, which is difficult at times. But I'm doing okay with it.

[paul19510]

((Ahoy)) you sound good.

[Ahoy]

I think H just got a dog. Why does this annoy me. He left me with three cats, and he could have taken on some of that responsibility, but instead he gets a dog? And he travels a lot, so how does he plan to accommodate the dog? More and more I am convinced he is just crazy. Also, this is yet another sign for me that he is really done -- he couldn't move back in with the dog with our current pet situation. I've known this all along, deep down, and I am also done with him at this point, so I guess it's irrelevant, but it's just another indicator. So weird to have him become this total stranger overnight. What's wrong with these people?