Gwen, You are very new to this situation and I can understand your thoughts on not being able to share his 50th birthday w/him. You can rationalize w/someone who is in crisis. They don't think logically and trust me, you would not accomplish anything by trying to negotiate things w/him right now.
I'm sorry your D16 is having a difficult time and I think you are on the right track by offering stability, love and acceptance. It's very difficult for her right now and she will find her balance just knowing that you are there for her.
Cry, scream or do whatever you need to do to let off steam. You've got a lot of bottle up stress and anger that need to be let off. Come here if you want to vent. You have more common sense than you are giving yourself credit for. The coaster ride makes us second guess ourselves, but once you find your footing, things will fall into place and as you move through the grieving process, you'll discover your emotions may settle down too. Trust your gut. I think you've got a good handle on your situation and if you need to make decisions, sit on them for a bit and then decide.
Gwen, hang in there. I think you are doing well for what's been thrown at you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can't distract myself enough today. Not sure why this birthday has me so upset. Right now it is all I can do not to text OW some hateful message.
One thing I have had to learn over the last few months is restraint. It is not easy but I am finally understanding the value in restraint. H still has no idea of the evidence I have if things should go to court. The old me would have thrown it all out there but now I just keep it filed away. Partly because I dream he'll wake up but also because I just hate trashy behavior. Unfortunately I may not have a choice if H refuses to be fair on alinony.
I am mad at H because of his choices. I am mad at OW because she knew me and preyed on H. OW is a symptom and a hot mess and not my concern but I am still mad. I am mad at myself for trusting H 100% for a quarter of a century. I am also mad at myself because I allowed myself to be financially dependent and I am scared.
Have been searching for a job. Lots of rejection and polite smiles. I may have a temp job for a couple of months and that will be a good start. You know I have a degree and supported H through school. I should not have given up my career for him but all I wanted was a marriage, family and to be a good parent. Now I am scavenging for crumbs of any job.
Sorry for the pity party. I think between the holidays, the job search and H's birthday I am feeling overwhelmed. I am still in disbelief a twice divorced hot mess of a selfish woman could lure H away from everything and everyone. This is not the man I married but yet it is...I know he had all the textbook MLC triggers (job loss, saw two people die, caring for dying parent, FOO issues, car crash, etc.) and labeling it as a crisis used to make me feel better. I knew he wasn't mentally balanced when he left but now- does it matter? He left to be with a woman. He left and here it is his 50th birthday and I am crying again.
Sorry all just a tough week. I think it is going to be a tough month. For some reason I am hoping 2015 will be a new start for me emotionally. It won't be over but just feeling like I survived 2014 will be an accomplishment.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Have the temp job and also scored an interview for a full time position. This is a HUGE step on the right path. I am so grateful for the opportunity to get back into the land of the employed. I have the temp position until the beginning of February but if I get the full time gig they said they understand I would need to take that job. We shall see. Just doing my best and leaving the rest to God.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Good luck w/the interview. I'm sure you will do well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you get the full time position.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Gwen, I’m so happy that you found a job! That’s a start! I know how it feels to finally get a job. I was out of work for a year, almost used all my savings. So, when I got an offer for a position, I was so excited.
Just wait until everything will start falling in place for you. I bet H’s and ow's house of cards will start falling apart at the same time.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
That's fantastic, Gwen! Congratulations on the job:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hi Gwen, thanks for your post on my thread, wow, so similar sitch to me - its good to hear from you - thank you.
I have been following your threads, I don't comment on many as i really have nothing insightful to say - i am no expert in this. I can however offer my support and empathy during the hard days and my congratulations on the good days.
I feel slightly luckier than most that my S's are older so I am pretty much independent from them; enough to make crazy decisions to move and travel to where-ever the wind takes me. I can make this whole sitch into a truly wild adventure if i choose.
You like I have been a SAHM for so many years, getting back in to the work force is a challenge - but hey, you are doing so well ... when do you hear about the permanent one ? I am impressed - I got so demoralized when I got turned down for everything I applied for - some places didn't even reply. I even got down for a laundry/cleaner job - so I appreciate how hard the job hunt it - so congrats to you.
Hopefully it will help towards your daily bills, its a worry, i know, but its surprising how resourceful we become. From having nothing to do with finances i now have budget spreadsheets for the budget spreadsheets lol. Coupons, bulk buying, cutting out all luxury - which annoys me when I hear of all the things h does and is spending - but I look at it that I am in control of my finances, I am in the black ....even if its only a couple $ each month ....where as he is in the red.
Well done for keeping the house, we were in the process of selling when h gave BD, so I lost mine. Its good for your girls to have somewhere familiar with so many other changes going on in their lives.
My only advise to you is really work on GAL and doing something for yourself every day - even if its just walk, or a bath - its really important to shut the world out for a short time every day.
Journalling has been a saviour, i write everything down, even fictitious conversations, it all goes down, its better out than in and can help stop the movie playing in your head.
You are strong, we all are. We have no choice but to keep living, but you do have a choice whether you stay still or move forwards. Gwen - choose moving forwards ......your adventure awaits you
Thanks for your support Lou. It gets lonely when your H is a vanisher. I don't really envy the folks on here who have to deal with lots of drama but sometimes I have to admit that negative attention sounds better than no attention. Of course that isn't true but the isolation and indifference is tough.
The job situation is my biggest fear. A friend got me the temp gig and I am very excited about it because it will give me recent experience and I can learn some new skills. She also referred me for the permanent job. I probably won't know for at least a week but I am okay if it doesn't work out. The temporary job is great way to build confidence and I am nervous about everything these days.
I honestly feel like I have PTSD or something. Loe - you are right just try to keep moving forward a tiny step at a time.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen - I feel that no matter what the MLC'er is doing - whether it is drama and negative attention or being distant and silent, its tough for the LBS.
Trying to cope with the range of emotions, the shock, the grief and to keep going on with life when everything has just crumbled around us takes amazing strength and resilience. We all say we can't do it anymore - yet we do, day after day, we keep going -
You are going to come out of this evolved; an upgraded version of yourself - Gwen 2.0. Back in control of your life, yourself and your decisions. If/when he wakes from this madness, he will see you very differently and you will see him very differently and by then it will be you calling the shots not him.
