A few notes about what makes me think this is a sort of MLC, even though my W is only 34. I've read very little about MLCs though.
My W said during the BD talks that maybe she had her kids too young after all, even though she's the one who was ready first to have a baby and I agreed a month later (W gave birth at 27). My W even told me she was quoting me about being too young, but I have no recollection of saying that. She's been treating the kids as work more than people since she left, putting them to bed very early for instance (D6 noticed).
She's high on the youthfulness of her colleagues. When I asked her what age are her colleagues, she replied: "My age: 30, 28" (she's 34).
The lifestyle she bought into is not conducive to kids, like the one we had created for ourselves, with lots of other families. Her colleagues don't have kids. Few seem to be in long term relationships. They go out a lot. They have activities together outside of work, such as charity runs, etc.
She brags about drinking more alcohol. She has been doing so since she started this job and seems to bring it up every opportunity she gets. She would drink less than a glass of alcohol per month since 2005, after a similar episode where she decided that drunk = fun, until she threw up a few hours later.
She changed her clothes into something sexier, though not dramatically. But she now has boots with heels and a few dresses, which she never wore before (even though I would have liked it). And don't get me started on her S&M Halloween costume! ;-)
And of course, there are the good looks and age of her BF (5.5 years her junior).
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Well, that's that then. She's having fun, that's for sure. Don't know how long it will last. She just emailed me again telling me she's overworked, she doesn't even like what she has to do and she didn't get the raise she was hoping for. Her BF is moving in in January and I just saw the posting online to sublet his current apartment. It's getting real. Not good for my PMA...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hi mozza. Remember before you said that them moving in might speed up the end if the A - it will get real quickly and if its fun she wants that might not last that long.
You seem to be doing a really good job on identify your things and working on them. Try and concentrate your PMA by remembering that.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
You're right, jim0987. Thanks for the reminder. My parents calmed me down with the same talk.
Tonight D6 said: "I asked mom what her dream drawing would be and it's her, OM, me, D3 and her parents in a park."
D3 said: "We went to the pool as a family: mommy, OM, D6 and me."
This impression of having been replaced overnight, after being there through so much as a husband over almost 10 years, is very hard to bear. While imperfect and willing to recognize what I did wrong, I struggle to understand how what I did went beyond "for better or for worst", why it was deemed unrepairable so quickly. I'm trying to stay positive, but sometimes I really look forward to reading what hope Wonka sees in my sitch... It seems like such a done deal on her end, with no reason to hold back on anything.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
After thinking about your sitch a bit, I can now see that W clearly sees you as a friend. Not H.
If you really want to save your M, it's high time that you really pull back and stop being so available/helpful to W. We see this quite bit where the WAW slowly replaces the OM in the H's place as a father. This is where you really need to put W in her place and tell her in no uncertain terms that you are their father.
I am all for respectful and cordial exchanges when it comes to children. The problem I am seeing right now is that your W has given no thought to the consequences of her choices of abdicating her responsibilities as a wife. Yeah, her position at her company is her responsibility and I do see her sobering up after realizing what precarious position she put herself with her boozy/partying antics with her colleagues at the company. She pulled back because she knows that she was skating on thin ice as an employee. The unspoken threat is hanging over head and she knows it. Very much does know this knife could come down at anytime.
With you, W does not feel that she's not skating on thin ice in the marital department. Why should she given that you and W are so friendly? There's no perceived threat of loss given that you two are so chummy. Haven't you gotten any sense of that from reading HPoriot's threads? This is textbook case of the W knowing full well what happens if she continues with the OM--loss of HP, loss of S11, and loss of the happy family unit. And frankly many, many sitches have turned around when the W or H senses losing their spouses forever--for real. In fact, many times it happend literally at the 11th hour.
Have you communicated in any way to W that you do not want a S nor a divorce?
Thanks a lot, Wonka. I was really looking forward to your ideas. This is a new perspective, as so far I've tried to stay as a positive presence in my W's life. I see where you're coming from and I'll think more about it. I'll get back to you with some questions, if you don't mind.
In the meantime, I'd like to answer to your question about whether my W knows that I don't want an S. It's somewhat complicated and I don't know if she knows anymore.
I have told my W at the end of the BD talks that I didn't want to separate, but I couldn't keep her from leaving. That evening, I was collected and not crying for the first time in a week. At the end of the conversation, I told her that even if I looked different, I felt the same on the inside. She thanked me for telling her because she wasn't sure. One week of bawling and pleading and she doubted the whole thing after a mere 90 minutes of calm. Where does she stand after 2.5 months of not pursuing?
The day she was leaving, I hugged her, crying my heart out and telling her "my love, my love..." repeatedly. She was totally unfazed, waiting for the show to be over. In tears, I asked her if "all options were open" and she replied "Yes, but we shouldn't base our lives on this." This is the last time and way I clearly told her I didn't want to separate.
We had lunch 10 days after she left (Sept 30). She was a mess and wanted to talk about our emotions in the S -- she said she was sad, insomniac. I was guarded, afraid of R talks. I told her we needed to live through this and see if we'd meet on the other side. She agreed. She had also told me at that lunch that she was only looking ahead.
In early November, she called me because I was not responsive enough and she did a temperature check, asking me how I was taking the whole thing. I told her it had been a difficult time, but that I had realized I needed to pick myself up. I had no choice but to move on since she had made the decision. She left a silence afterwards. I didn't ask her the question because I didn't want to do a temperature check. The following day, she sent me an email announcing OM and asked me to do the same if I met someone.
In late November, my best friend (whom she really likes and misses) wrote her a birthday email and she replied saying "Just like I told Mozza, I need to go forward, otherwise... Well, just like him, you know." I don't know what to make of this "otherwise" or the suggestion that I refuse to look back. Does she think I'm happily moving ahead?
All through this, she's planning Christmas next year, telling me that she'll move away from my country in a few years, that we have 15 years of co-parenting left before the kids are grown up, etc. Everything she does and says suggests our M is over for her, except that she (and I) never talk about D. She was reluctant to talk about D during the BD talks, as if this was some bothersome paperwork. There's a year of delay after the physical separation where we are anyway.
In our R, my W felt I had abandoned her emotionally, that I was withdrawn. I now realize we just spoke different LLs. She told me during the BD talks that "she didn't know I loved her this much". It's possible that she thinks I was done with her and that she's done us both a favor by leaving. As per BD, when I meet her, I'm upbeat. I've been afraid of telling her anything suggesting I miss her for fear of pursuing and pushing her away.
My W is very afraid of rejection. I don't know if she'd have it in her to come back, not knowing I want her back.
One last thing: in 2009, when she wanted to leave me because she thought I'd never forgive her short A, I pleased and cried and it worked. She said she realized how much I loved her (among other factors) and it made her rethink her decision. I haven't played that card since BD, especially since she's been so detached from me and getting involved deeply with OM. She seemed to be in a different place, completely detached from me.
Hm, this was longer than I expected... This question is very much on my mind as you can tell.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Done! I read the five success stories in your post.
Train - This short thread is during the piecing phase. Not clear how she got there.
Mighty - It was also after her husband was showing signs of wanting to piece. He was breaking up with his pregnant girlfriend. I explored her older threads but wasn't sure what I was looking for.
Rain - I read the thread from Feb to Nov 14 where she recaps. It looks like her H was very afraid of losing her after all and that's what brought him back. It looks like her H had 4 (!) OWs. Another inspiring thing is that her H had decided that he didn't have a chance with Raine, and that's something that might be happening in my sitch.
Crimson - Interesting that his WAW was in a serious relationship with someone else, but this R failed on its own. Fascinating that he went through D before piecing. Scary, too.
Heart14 - She sounds like the same factors got her to DB, but they never separated. It was short though.
Many of these were MLCs, yet you say that my sitch is not an MLC. Are you sure it applies?
Awaiting orders!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
