Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Sometimes I have a hard time with this whole thing ... then I read your thread .. I feel better, powerful, strong ... Thank you for sharing your story, its always been inspiring to me. Keep at it .. you have this .. OW has nothing on you ... good to see your H woke up and realized that!!
AWOL again. I'll try to catch up. I wrote this post over a week ago but forgot to push "submit". Later I'll follow up later with something more current....
The week before last: Rocky for me, great for Mr. Gritty.
He was thoughtful and calm through stressful situations and I could see he is really trying. But he still had these weird memory issues where he's still rewriting history.
We had one bad fight that week. We were chatting and I made a suggestion about a family matter. I had no agenda, just was talking off the top of my head. But H "knew" I was poking at him. He told me to back off and the heat in his voice took me by surprise. I mean, it just came out of nowhere. I regrouped and apologized for my thoughtlessness. He spiraled into a GritStorm. (I should trademark that. GritStorm®.)
I asked for a timeout -- twenty minutes to compose myself -- H ignored the request and kept shouting at me. I practiced my deep breathing but ended up crying. Then H decided HE needed the timeout, and I got angry. I said, "Oh, I can ask for a timeout, which you ignore, and now you want one and I'm supposed to comply?"
New Rule
We talked about this fight during MC. The next time one of us asks for a timeout we are to specify an exact amount of time and use a timer if we need to, in order to keep our word about coming back to the discussion. If the other doesn't comply with the timeout, the asker is to walk out of the room but come back within the specified time.
I'm still having a hard time not asking questions about the PA and it's been weighing on me. I feel like we're just forgetting everything that happened and are playing at dating. I want more details about the PA. I want to know if I know the other OWs that he dated. They are like little ticking time bombs to me. I had a session by myself with the MC and he asked me why I wanted to know, if it would do me any good. I couldn't answer except it is a strong urge. The MC encouraged me to let it go, to stop thinking about it.
Overall Mr. Gritty seems really happy. When he describes our week to the MC, he'll always say it is our best week yet. That we are really coming together as a couple again. He never sees our arguments as bad as I see them. That seems right, considering I'm the conflict avoidant in our relationship.
All about Mr. Gritty's Memory Issue Syndrome
Mr. Gritty's version of why he decided to D me keeps changing. It's like a temperature check, hearing the different reasons he comes up with.
During our last MC I asked Mr. Gritty why he changed his mind about D, and he announced: "I felt like I wanted a D, but felt it would be better to spend time on it and make sure. But then I saw that dragging it out was hurting you too much. So I initiated D out of compassion for you. It was the compassionate thing to do."
Normally I let stuff like this slide, but since we were in the MC office, I asked him if he remembered the reasons he listed the afternoon he initiated D: when he told me I was a poisonous, vindictive and bitter woman, that I could never forgive because it isn't in my nature, that I had been rubbing his nose in sh!t and would forever do so, that I was trying to get him fired, etc.
Mr. Gritty insisted he never said any of that stuff. He started a spiral into another GritStorm® and the MC raised his hands so we both stopped right there. I didn't even mention the texts he sent me that evening (still on my phone) after he initiated D, when he told me how I had "pushed" him into it... maybe I needed him to D me and he was clueless as to why -- I didn't even mention those texts.
The MC once again reminded us we have dysfunctional communication habits. The rest of our session was reworking strategies to communicate better doing heated exchanges. Our assignment was to continue to save "the difficult conversations" for the MC office.
Going off the deep end
After that session I became more agitated. I decided H was still in contact with OW. I decided that was the reason OW was acting up. I started collecting statements he made that didn't add up. For example, he mentioned twice running into OW and how she appeared to be "angry" with him. How she was acting all out of proportion to the situation. How he used the phrase "vindictive, poisonous and bitter", a phrase he often used to describe me during our separation.
I thought... maybe he broke it off with her again? Which would mean... that he had been on with her again, maybe the reason why he initiated D? Maybe that's why she blocked me on FB after he broke it off? Because he finally broke it off?
...
This is the kind of stuff I made myself crazy with the week before last. I felt like I did when he was gaslighting me after the BD, just before he left me, like I didn't have the full story.
Before the 2" x 4"s come, I know, I know! I lost all detachment! I was creating expectations! I was so focused on him... I admit I was lost. I had no direction, no perspective.
The Flashbacks Continued
November last year, I knew something was wrong with H and I was desperately worried about him. I didn't know it but his PA had been in full swing and he was busy convincing OW that he couldn't wait to leave me and move in with her.
He was constantly jumping all over me, accusing me of lying to him, of hiding things, of being a freeloader, of not pulling my weight financially and spending the money he worked so hard to earn.
He would insist he "knew" what was in my heart. "Yeah, Nitty, well, what you say is different from what you do, and what you do says 'F--- Y--.' Yeah! I know exactly what you're doing and I'm not gonna put up with it!" Stuff like this would of course would fill me with dread, because, no! That was not in my heart!
And yet I still thought I had everything covered. I believed he was having medical issues, like an impending heart attack or stroke. I was supportive. When he shouted at me, I would reach out to him, tell him I loved him, ask him what I could do to make his life easier. I didn't ask questions.
As I prepared for turkey day, all these memories flood into me. When I ordered the turkey, I remember how stressed I was last year when I ordered it, because he yelled at me all morning that day. Or when I looked over the upcoming December calendar, I remembered how glum I was, believing that he might be in the hospital with a heart attack before Christmas, not knowing it was because of his MLC and OW. These flashbacks made me feel so sad and resentful because my life? IT WAS A LIE.
The anniversary of BD is looming. It became my big goal to get through it without any drama.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
My fears that Mr. Gritty would "flip" into an anti-Nitty posture seemed to be validated on Thanksgiving Day.
He's been acting more like he did when he courted me. No love letters, but he brings me flowers. For the holiday we were going to have the entire family over for Thanksgiving at our bungalow. (If you'd told me at any time during this year that I'd be doing this with H, I would've been so incredulous but extremely relieved. That's how I felt on Thanksgiving Day: relieved.)
Mr. Gritty Fulfills Nitty's Negative Expectations (which is why she shouldn't have expectations)
As the day wore on, though, Mr. Gritty began to be irritable with me. At first, I figured he was just tired. At one point he snapped at me when I tried to help him clean up, told me that I just couldn't help myself being so damn annoying. I stayed out of his way after that, acting like everything was okay until our guests left.
As we waved the last guest off, I rested my hand on his shoulder and Mr. Gritty flinched my hand off. I asked, "What is it? What is wrong?"
"I don't know! It's all me. It's not you. I need to work it out."
EXACTLY what he would tell me last fall, just before the BD, when he would get snippy with me. The statement, "It's all me, it's not you" was like a mantra for him, and now I was hearing it again.
I would've gone home except it was so very late. As I hesitated he seemed to soften a bit, so I got ready for bed. Then when we climbed in to bed he rolled as far over on his side as he could, like he was determined not to touch me. I reached over once to touch his back and he flinched again, like my touch was disgusting.
It was a terrible night. I resolutely told myself over and over again: It's over. He's turned again. I will be okay. If he tells me he wants me out of the bungalow I will go. If he restarts the D, I will accept it. I will not be decimated like I was when he left me the first time. I am stronger now. But what set him off? Did he get a text message from OW?
Etc. Like I said, it was an awful night. At dawn I said, "Are you mad at me for something I've done?"
Nitty Gets Dumped Into the Twilight Zone
He blew up! To summarize: he saw a text on my phone early the day before, from an old friend of ours, and then he saw me read my texts and laugh, and he believed I was having a PA with that old friend.
I couldn't believe it, it was as if I was living last fall all over again, when he accused me of lying to him, of having a PA with some unknown man and other crazy stuff, all because he was having a PA himself and had to justify to himself what he was doing by making me out to be an awful wife.
He was so very cold in his anger. "Tell me the truth about what you are doing with _____!"
I told him I didn't owe him any explanations, but I would tell him anyway: I'd sent "Happy Thanksgiving" to our friends that morning, and he was one of the many who responded. I actually had over a dozen responses by text. I was only laughing because my co-worker responded with a funny comic.
"I don't believe you. You KNOW that ______ has been after you for years! You even agreed with me about it."
"I never did any such thing! You're making that up!"
"Yes, you did, and you're talking to him now, you're encouraging him!"
We went back and forth, him repeating his accusations and me repeating my protests. Finally I realized I was flooding and defensive. I asked for a timeout. He argued a bit before remembering our agreement with the MC and walked out. I thought, "Is this what my life will be like? Will his guilt cause him to attack me like this at random?"
Major rollercoastering going on
Ten minutes later he came back and just stood there. Then Mr. Gritty started talking as if he was talking to himself. It was very strange.
"Okay, so I left you. You started making relationships with others that didn't include me. Which was your right. Because I left you." "That is correct," I said. "I was alone and I began to create relationships that don't involve you. I began a life without you."
"And I have no right to ask you about those relationships." "That's right," I said, totally amazed. "You have no right. I living my life with out you because you wanted it that way."
"And if I had just asked you about the text I saw on your phone instead of stewing about it all day then we wouldn't have had such an awful night." "That's right," I said, "because I have always made it clear I am not interested in any relationship but this one."
"You have made it clear, but I forgot that. And because I forgot that, we had a terrible night. I am very sorry. I acted so stupid."
I was shocked. In all our years together we have never ended an argument this way. Usually he yelled and went off to work or to bed and then acted like nothing ever happened. But now it was as if he was possessed by a space alien again--only this time it was a perfectly reasonable and gentlemanly space alien.
After that, he made extra efforts to be nice to me. We had a nice weekend together. He came to our house and spent the night there for the first time in almost a year. Part of the time I was apprehensive, waiting for another series of accusations set off by who knows what.
But the rest of the time I was more hopeful than I've been since he first asked for a reconciliation, because he actually worked out his anger! If he continued to work on himself like this, we would definitely have a better relationship than we had before!
So, to sum up, here is the good:
He's talking about taking a vacation together
He cares about our dog again.
We are having fun dates together where we do some of my GAL activities.
And here is the not-so-good:
We are not living together (he doesn't want to come home yet)
Our money is still separated (although he's announced it's okay to spend joint funds on dates)
I am still not invited back to certain places I used to spend all the time (like the private gym where he has a membership)
And mostly, I drive to the bungalow. If I tell him I have a prior engagement and can't come over when he calls me, he acts pouty.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Hey, Nitty. I have been out of pocket, and, frankly, trying to get my own crud together. I've hit another snag, though, so here I am. Your thread remains encouraging. The steps back seem temporary, indicative of old patterns. The steps forward are fresh. And real.
Take care of yourself, girl.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Still hanging in there. He's been very attentive. We ML frequently. He tells me he loves me. One week ago he told me he was grateful that we are together, that whenever he thinks of how close we came to D, how we would be apart this holiday... I didn't say anything but gave him a hug. What I wanted to say: Yes! You almost D me! You really hurt me!" But I didn't say anything like that.
I went to our MC privately and told him that now he's had a chance to work with us for a couple of months, that I wanted him to give it to me straight: what is the most important thing I need to do right away to improve our marriage?
The MC told me that I need to stay in the present moment in all conversations with Mr. Gritty. He said that I typically qualify everything with a reference to the past or a wish for certain behavior in the future. He quoted a couple of examples of things I'd said in MC, things which I thought were positives, but which apparently were only taken as jibes at Mr. Gritty.
An example of this is something I said during our last MC session, which the MC had written down:
Quote:
Mr. Gritty stayed really calm last week when that guy in the grocery store parking lot yelled at him for parking too close to his car. Mr. Gritty in MLC would've torn that guy a new one and then been pissed off all day. But this Mr. Gritty just shrugged it off and let it go!
You see, I thought the above statement was a compliment, because it showed the world how far H has come and how I was aware of (and grateful for) H's improvement. But the MC says all Mr. Gritty hears is the bad stuff. That it's kind of a back-handed compliment. Like, "I'm so glad you stopped beating me like you used to."
OK. This is the kind of tip I need to know. I believe I can always improve myself and this is the stuff that will help me improve.
Meanwhile: Our Status So Far:
Money still separated Still living apart
Deep in my heart I worry that he is still keeping our money separate so that in case he decides to go through with the D, he can prove that I can get along with less. The financial people told me the allowance he is giving me is a little over half of what he should be giving me, and that if I live like this for over a year that Mr. Gritty could make the case during a D that I don't need that much alimony.
Back then I talked to an attorney about it and he said it was possible, but we could fight him on it, so I'm not worried about the alimony. I am, however, worried about Mr. Gritty's commitment level.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Our sons have been cautious about the R but glad to see the changes in their dad. During his MLC, Mr. Gritty was agitated all the time, easily angered, a real hothead with all of us. S2 lives at home and took the brunt of that anger, as H would spew it at both of us. He's been the more suspicious S, the one who has expressed concern about Mr. Gritty's changes being lasting ones.
So S2 told me this morning that he now believes his dad is truly "out of his coma" and is back to being "Real Dad" and he knows this because his dad passed two tests on Christmas.
Test No. 1
The first test was an accidental one: on Christmas Eve S2 accidentally dropped a pot of a hot beverage and it splattered everywhere, including all over me and Mr. Gritty. If this had happened last year, Mr. Gritty would've blown up and the evening would've been ruined, because he would be angry and shouting. (He wasn't like this during our marriage, just during MLC.) When S dropped the pot, I could see his face go pale and I knew what he was expecting because I expected it too. Both of us waited for the explosion.
But Mr. Gritty didn't explode, just kind of laughed and said, "oh, well!" We cleaned it up and nothing more was said. S told me that couldn't believe how "in stride" Mr. Gritty took that dropped pot. "That is huge, Mom. HUGE." I agreed with him.
Test No. 2
As Mr. Gritty unwrapped his present from S2 I instantly recognized the item... it was the same gift S2 gave his dad last year! This turned out to be S2's planned test.
Last year Mr. Gritty opened this gift, he grimaced when he saw what it was and tossed it on the table, said "thanks" to S and moved to the next gift. It was an embarrassing moment for all of us. Both S1 and S2 came to me privately to discuss this behavior with me, as it was so unlike their dad. I did not tell them that we were in the middle of a crisis and that their dad was in love with another woman. (I didn't understand MLC at that point.) So I told them he was very stressed with his job.
Anyway. Mr. Gritty never picked up the gift after that. He left it on the coffee table for weeks and when he moved out at the end of January, he left the gift behind with his wife and dog. At that point S told me that since his dad "hated" the gift, he was going to take it back.
So there it was again, the same gift, being unwrapped again by Mr. Gritty. I glanced at S who winked at me. Neither of us said anything. Mr. Gritty oohed and ahhed over this gift, really paying attention to it, telling S that he wanted to use it "right now!" And he did. He obviously did not recognize the gift from last year. He obviously appreciated this gift. S and I looked at each other and S nodded approvingly.
This morning S2 told me, "Dad was so checked out last year, Mom, he didn't even recognize the gift! But not this year. Not with me anyway. He may or may not like what I gave him, but he made an effort to show me how much he appreciates what I got him. That's the Old Dad I know and love. He seems good with you, too. It's your business, you've got to feel right about it, but I just wanted you to know I'm feeling good about you reconciling with him now, too."
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I thanked S for that confidence, agreed that yes, Dad has come a long way in a year. What I did not tell S was that I was feeling unsettled because Mr Gritty didn't give me a single thing for Christmas. Not even a card.
When we opened presents H said he loved his gifts from me, really loved them. But... there was nothing from Mr. Gritty to me. He didn't say anything, either, like, "sorry I didn't get you anything..." so I waited all day for something to arrive, or for him to pull out a card or a box or whatever.
Finally I asked him if there was a card for me somewhere. I know I shouldn't have done that but I literally could not keep my mouth from opening up and asking: "By the way, honey, did you get me a card?"
His demeanor changed immediately and I could tell he felt bad. "You said you didn't want anything!" True, that's what I said. I say that every year. But this year, what should I have said? "Get me something good to make up for all the bad times!"? Besides, I hate asking for presents.
He asked me if I thought he messed up, if I thought he was bad. I told him no, but he was clueless, that a love letter would've been the perfect gift, even just a card would've been great, especially after all the two of us had been through this year. He apologized.
Then I told him I feared I was like wallpaper, always there, super dependable, easy to overlook. I was not angry, we weren't fighting, there was no heat in our discussion, just discomfort. He was more uncomfortable than I was. I felt so flat. Later I realized the flatness was just being sad. I feel sad. I feel like, wow. Not even a card?
I realize I'm attributing expectations to his behavior. Yeah. That is what I am doing. And for all of me being so "I don't like asking for presents," I'm kind of surprised that this hurts so much. Presents don't mean anything. If he wrote me a letter, it would've been perfect. It's just that he didn't do anything at all. Nothing.
I read stories like Caliguy's, Shakspear's, HopeTex's, etc., and I know I am lucky to be in R with Mr. Gritty. But I feel like I have no roadmap, no idea of what is "correct" or not.
What does that mean, not even a card? Does it mean anything? I'm already planning on little fibs for when family and friends ask me what H got me for Christmas. I can't tell anybody he got me absolutely nothing. I can't tell our Ss, either. I know this much: not getting me anything for Christmas, not even a card... they'll think that is bad.
So I guess I know that much if I'm willing to lie about it.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I read stories like Caliguy's, Shakspear's, HopeTex's, etc., and I know I am lucky to be in R with Mr. Gritty. But I feel like I have no roadmap, no idea of what is "correct" or not.
What does that mean, not even a card? Does it mean anything? I'm already planning on little fibs for when family and friends ask me what H got me for Christmas. I can't tell anybody he got me absolutely nothing. I can't tell our Ss, either. I know this much: not getting me anything for Christmas, not even a card... they'll think that is bad.
Ok I cringed and then laughed that I made this list ...
Nitty I too have always been one to go above and beyond for Christmas ... every single year. I got her an ipad last year, a nice sweater and a pandora bracelet the year prior to that, pearls the year before that .... and ya know what I got all 3 of those years ... socks ... yup .. socks. (This year ironically I received a self improvement book .... oh the irony)
In a way you are expecting Gritty to mindread ... but yeah .. he should have done something, not sure if he could muster a letter to make up for the past year, but I think we all sit waiting for that time when the MLC'r drops to their knees and broadcasts their love and remorse ... but honestly .. I do not ever see that happening ...I think Gritty is still in a MLC hangover ... he is a touch foggy and still trying to figure it all out.
Look at it this way .. he is on the path back to you ... many of us would take that gift any day ... he can make it up to you for the rest of his life if you focus on the big picture.
