sandi, what advice would most DB coaches give in this scenario that disagrees with yours?
You would probably have to ask them. When I said they wouldn't say what I told him to do, I meant be as "daring". Theoretically, I wouldn't say it goes against DB, however, I don't know that they would tell a client to be take those chances. But, I am not positive. I mainly wanted him to know that it is not among the more popular views.
I speak from the personal experience of a WAW. I have been disappointed to see the vast number of LBH'S who are afraid to be the men they were designed to be. I was hoping this young man might nip things in the bud, instead of dragging it out like most have done.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Unfortunately I did not read Sandi's post prior to our meet last week. I did exactly as she guessed. Scared, aiming to please, hoping for a chance. Definitely not confident or ready to move on and be happy.
The "serious talk" was more of the same. She flip flopped saying she doesn't know what to do. Saying she wants to get back together but doesn't. At the end of the day she said she will setup the appointment to finalize our legal separation for Friday and will cancel it if she wants to give things a shot... ? And that we should just forget everything and go our separate ways.
This was the day before Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving day I did not contact her as I slept in and stayed in bed until about 3PM feeling sorry for myself. Later that night she texted me telling me how disappointed she was that I didn't text her happy thanksgiving and how no one in my family did either. She did text me happy thanksgiving earlier that day but I was so upset I just laid in bed and did not reply. My family all want to talk to her but they have all told me they just don't know how or what to say. They tried calling early on in the separation and they were ignored so they stopped trying. I probably should have returned her Thanksgiving text.
So, now its Friday and she went to some of her families for dinner. She called me and tells me she should have invited me and will the next time around. Okay! This sounds positive. Then she says she has been thinking and will call me later that night. In a moment of weakness I ask, "is it bad?" she replies no its not.
So, she doesn't call and I'm still trying to give her space and not smother her so I don't call her for a couple days. But I give in on Monday and call her and she says we will never work out. We should split. She says she tried to convince herself but she just couldn't. She mentions she is extremely upset that my family and I did not text her on Thanksgiving wishing her a happy holiday. And that no one really cares about "us." If they cared they would be calling her and trying to get her to come back. She also says the whole time we've been together she does not have any happy memories! Did I mess up by not returning her text? The day before she told me she wants to move on without me; so when I receive her text "happy thanksgiving" I got extremely upset and angry and did not reply. I know, I am acting like a child.
I am confused. Only my immediate family know about our separation and early on she was very clear that she didn't want anyone calling her and I made it very clear to my family that they shouldn't try to contact her or convince her anything. Even then, some of my family tried to contact her and they were all ignored and no one has tried again since.
Is she grasping at straws to find things to justify her decision? Or was that a huge mess up to not text her? It seems she is still not 100% sure about her decision by her slight flip flopping, which is a good sign right?
Either way here I am on Wednesday. Praying and hoping that there is some sort of miracle and that she contacts me telling me that the Friday appointment to finalize our separation is cancelled. Realistically the next time I talk to her or see her will probably at the appointment on Friday. Then our legal separation will be official. Then I guess the 6 month timer keeps ticking until she has the option to convert it to a divorce. Which at the moment seems like the only possible outcome.
I've really been slipping and messing up these last 2-3 months. I haven't been following the advice given here or in the DB and DR books. Any time she gives me a slight ray of hope I break down and revert to a needy person. Life is difficult. How do I know when its over? How do I knew when she has slammed the door shut and thrown the key away? I know DR says not to trust what she says and only half of what she does. But 90% of the time I talk to her she is just reaffirming her stance.
I have been working out... a lot. It is like my sanctuary. Luckily I have a pretty good garage setup as sometimes mid set I'd start crying like full on tears. For those 1 or 2 hours I almost feel free and happy. I've also started playing vball once a week which is a lot of fun. Getting settled in at my new job (lots of people my age that either just got married or are planning their imminent wedding! =( !...) I am still having difficulty socializing and meeting new people to hangout with. I do have a small circle of family and friends that I go to dinner and do activities with though; and I am looking into joining one of those "divorcecare" support groups as a lot of them will be starting up again in January. I do feel a little bit intimidated, I'm worried I'll be the youngest one there at 28.
I am still hoping we can some how work things out. Or at least give it a shot. But each day that passes I feel that we grow further apart. Perhaps after Friday I will give her some real space and prepare to actually move on while keeping that sliver of hope that she may want to work things out. I am not ready to move on without her... It seems that only way she will be attracted to me again is if I move on and become happy or normal again. Or at least if I can give off that type of appearance.
Hope everyone had a good turkey day and thanks for all your input as well! I hardly survived and Christmas + New years is sure going to be tough. I can already picture myself at home wondering if she is out for new years and if she is getting drunk and hooking up. Need to erase these negative thoughts!!!!!!!
I think this is where our story ends. At the mediation she surprised me by switching the documents over from a legal separation to a dissolution of marriage. I froze, and complied without saying a word. She told me she needs to do this so that she can move on. She says because shes "married" she feels like she needs to be with me. So she is now "unmarried."
At the end I hugged her and told her I was glad to have met her and departed.
It feels like the end. I still long to be with her but obviously marriage is a partnership and she wants no part in this ship. I still have hopes for a reconciliation and feel like an idiot for having them. She had made her intentions crystal clear from the beginning, I just didn't want to believe.
Thanks again for everyone on the board. It has helped dull the pain a little bit in these difficult times.
When I said they wouldn't say what I told him to do, I meant be as "daring". Theoretically, I wouldn't say it goes against DB, however, I don't know that they would tell a client to be take those chances. But, I am not positive. I mainly wanted him to know that it is not among the more popular views. 