Wife Still in MLC but has now left #7

[tadpole1025]

Dude, we've all heard this. It's MLC man. She's nuts. I was accused of all sorts of stuff, heard the "never should have married", terrible husband, awful father, miserable excuse for a man.....it's all script buddy.

At one point I was accused of having mafia connections. When the judge gave custody of our youngest to me, I was accused of having connections in the justice department.

It's hard not to take it personal, but you have to let it roll man. It's typical MLC garbage.

Tad

[Matt165]

Thanks Tad,
I know this in my head. I know she isn't seeing things the way they truly are and were. But in my heart it still stings so much. To top it off towards the end of the call she says "I do care about you and want you to be happy". Uh? Well, she sure has an odd way of showing this! It doesn't help that I'm so darn close to getting my sh!t together and getting a new job (which will need my attention, not all the crap she is wanting from going before a judge to mediation) but need to finish a course I haven't the time for AND learn all this new stuff that the course is teaching me while getting bombed by lawyers, the IRS, the electric and water companies, etc. It's all almost too much to take. I was hanging on by a thread and she pulls this? Cares about me my butt!

She is actually worse, not better! She is deeper into her fantasy world where she is the victim and I am the awful ogre then ever! I have left her totally alone. I NEVER initiate contact with her. I haven't once asked her for anything or said a single bad word. I have listened to her spews and tried to validate. For all this I get this hateful "oh, I am so broke and have to take care of you" crap when I already feel bad because I can't afford to help my girls more with money.

I actually thought about ways to hurt her tonight. Ways to make her life so much harder and give her a taste of what MY life has been like the last 2 years because of her. I HATE this. I don't want to be a vindictive person and hurt her back. I do still care about her in some ways as i KNOW she may come out of this some day and see the truth of her actions. I want to be able to just say "Too bad that she had to go through this, I tried but she wouldn't listen" and move on! Let her go on her journey and get on with my life but she won't let me! She is in such a hurry but won't give in to what I think is fair.

Oh how the holiday season is going to be so much fun!

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Matt,

Welcome to the world of shysters. Clearly f your lawyer sent that letter it was because your divorce is a loosing proposition for him. Lawyers will get as much money from you as they can and then drop you as fast as they can when it runs out.

If your lawyer has dropped you I would not rush out to replace him. Given your present financial situation I would first look into whether you can self represent your self for now. If you can then I would look around and see if you can find a lawyer that will just look over legal documents and coach you through the process without actually representing you in court. This may work for you. if it doesn't then you can always get a new lawyer later to represent you.

Yes your wife is probably worse. I truely believe they have to hit rock bottom before they can maybe start to heal. Your wife has not gotten there yet, so it may get worse and uglier. That is her problem and you have to put up a wall and stop taking it personally. I had to learn this lesson. Others here have learned this lesson. You will learn this lesson. At some point you will get burned enough that you will finally be able to detach your emotions from it.

Regard what is fair. The best thing I heard the other day is when you both are unhappy with the results then it will be a fair agreement.

[Wonka]

Matt,

I am sorry that your W was on an epic spewfest yesterday. That type of spew leads me to suspect that FIL probably "talked" nasty to her about you and how ungrateful you all were to W. Then W most likely turned to you and turned on the spew works.

It is so hard not to take this personally. You have to remember that W isn't rational at all and it's no use arguing back or trying to rationalize with irrational. Try to keep your responses short like "I am sorry you feel this way", "I can imagine how you would feel this way", "Thank you for sharing."

Next time, I would suggest that you cut this type of phone convo short because you have to be somewhere in 10 minutes. This is a good technique to nip the spewfest in the bud...so to speak.

[Matt165]

Thanks Wonka,
I was up until 5:00 AM last night trying to understand how in the world I got here. I can remember all the times that I put myself and what I wanted on the back burner so that my W could do what SHE wanted. How many times she told me how lucky she was that I was there for her. How lucky she was to be M to her "best friend". I think you are right about her father talking to her. Her lawyer was ready to drop her last I heard and FIL has been paying the bills. I swear I heard his voice when she was saying some of the things she did last night!

One thing I noticed is that she has all these perfect memories from 20 years ago. Remembers all these things she says happened but can't seem to grasp that that was 20 years ago when we were in a very bad financial position. We were broke and had just moved to where we are now. I worked my butt off getting us out of that place and did well. Then she has zero memories of things that happened just a couple years ago when she first went into her MLC. She places no value on the things she has taken but way too much value on 10 year old appliances that won't last much longer.

I think the worse part was her telling me how much "happier" she is now that she has left. That and how I so mistreated our oldest D! She even went so far as to tell me that, when she was depressed and D19 was around 15-16 she acted out, got into trouble, etc. She did this because her mother was just not there. Physically she was but she spent all her time sleeping and moaning about how bad she felt. I know this because at the time D and I talked. I had to explain to my D that her mom wanted to be there, wanted to be like she had been but was sick. Now W is telling me D acted out because I was "too hard" on her? That is just so hitting me where she knows it hurts because I have tried so damn hard to be the best father I can. I put my kids first in every way. Stayed in crappy jobs that I hated so I could pay for their school while W refused to go back to work even after they were in school (we had always planned on her going back to work when they went to school). Even her not paying her student loans is my fault. Yes, she has even found a way to blame me for that! How the girls just don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me how miserable they were for the last 10 years. How I'm the one projecting that the kids were happy not her projecting that they were just as unhappy as her!

I really, really dislike who she has become. She has made choices that hurt her kids and knows this but doesn't care. I have no respect for her any longer. How do you respect a person who takes no responsibility for their own actions and feelings? Who blames anything and anyone for their own failures? I see such a damaged person who is hurting the people I care most about in this world and not caring that she is.

I tried to stand for my M. I tried to see that she was in crisis, probably still depressed. I tried to just get out of her way but she just can't stop herself. Her father will be gone soon. When this happens I can see that she will be lost. I watched him hurt her for years and there was nothing I could do about it. Now the last thing he is going to do is make sure her M is over before he leaves and then what? My W does not have what it takes to be anything near the mother to our D14 that she needs to be. If only I didn't have that to worry about. I already see how what her mother has done and is doing is hurting her, changing her.

I see a person who tells herself lies and starts believing her own lies. One small example is that she said that just dropping me from her health insurance would drop her payments over $100 A WEEK. I could have gotten better coverage at my old company for $254 a MONTH. But she is telling me I cost her $100 a WEEK? That is so ridiculous just on the face of it but she is so certain of this and won't listen.

The most dangerous kind of liars are the ones that believe their own lies. That is who my W has become.

[TSquared2]

Back to studying for your new job, amigo...that IS in your control.

I know the spew hurts, I do, but it's what they do. Like a tornado, not much you can do but stay out of its path as much as possible and look out for what you can do to minimize damage. Getting mad at the tornado affects it none. Use the anger to push yourself on taking care of YOUR needs and priorities.

Go for a walk/run, get your body moving, get it out physically, then back to studying, etc., right?

[Matt165]

Hi T2,
Yes you are so right! I got a text from W. Asking me to look to see if she left any gloves here followed by a smiley face! Hours of spew last night and smiley face texts today? Crazy is about right. I think that a combo of already being on the ragged edge with my money problems and having to get this course done and getting some money and having the lawyer problems and the IRS, etc. along with the fact that I have stayed so very dark and avoided having ANY talks about the D or R since she left so the hurt from her old spews had faded somewhat hit me really hard.I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe W had been mellowing a bit as well. Bad thought there...expectations are the enemy!

I am going to pick D14 up from school today just so I can see her. That usually helps me to get back on tract since it reminds me that I must keep moving for her as much as myself!

[mirage]

Matt,

You don't have to take that!

set a boundary!
Walk away!
Don't engage!

It's still your choice......but I think you know that.

Hang in there, man....you got this

Mirage

[Matt165]

Thanks mirage!
Wonka, well, you were right on the money! I dropped D14 at her mom's house after school. She was sullen and seemed almost angry at me. I couldn't get more than 2 words from her and then asked about her latest "boyfriend" and she told me he broke up with her by text message today! She needed to just stew for awhile so I left her be. As I was backing out of the driveway some jerk towing a camper was in my way and not moving. I finally pulled out and when I did I realized it was FIL! I'm willing to bet he has been there since TG. No wonder W went on a spew, I'm sure he was bad mouthing me this whole time, bringing sh!t up from 20+ years ago, egging her on. It also explains why the "insert holiday message here" texts from W to the girls on TG. The longer she is around him, the worse she becomes. I'm more convinced than ever that when he dies, W will go down a very deep rabbit hole!

So, I'm pretty sure FIL has been egging her on and told her to call me. So, you were right, Wonka. FIL has had so little contact with me and the kids, I can tell when it's his chit she is spewing. The bringing up things from when we first were M, the things about older D...all the stuff that W told me was why FIL "doesn't like you" in several of her earlier spews.

Wow, Wonka, very observant of you!

mirage,
You are so right and I really didn't want to listen. W has this way of goading me into a "talk" that I really don't want to have. I think it also explains why the smiley face texts today....she knows she got to me and is happy that I'm unhappy now. She just wanted to be sure that I felt as awful as she does and now that she knows this, she's happy now! I need to NEVER let her do this again!

[AJM]

Matt, to say that things with her are toxic, is an understatement. She seems to get angry at things and you're the whipping boy. You really need to remove yourself from that. When you do, you'll see the patterns and see things differently. Seriously.

I could have written that post of yours at one time in my past. I feel for you, but I also see the other side amigo.

You can't see the forest for the trees at the moment. It's still too close. Too personal, even though it isn't.

For perspective - she tells you about her re-remembered past. Where was all that before? She has a hard time and "vents" by taking it out on you. Then doesn't feel good about it, and retreats. Or seems giddy and happy (now that she's unloaded on you).

The only person that can break that cycle is you. She won't do it. She doesn't have the tools to do it.

As long as you care what she re-remembers or thinks, you'll walk into that meat grinder time and again. I know. I've been there too. I have the t-shirt and scars to go with it.

T2 once remarked that for him a time came when he realized his life was his. No more blaming her.

I'll go a step further. No more looking to her for a shared past or for validation of past experience.

The most dangerous kind of liars are the ones that believe their own lies. That is who my W has become.

If you believe that, then you need to take the appropriate action. Know what that is? Hint: it's not to prove her wrong or expose her lies. It's not to out-parent her or compete in any way.

She's her and has her issues.

You are YOU and have your own as well.

There's no need to hear her 1.5 hour rants. It serves no purpose.

You have to remember that W isn't rational at all and it's no use arguing back or trying to rationalize with irrational.

Break the cycle. Can you think of ways to do that? Without things needing to be "fair" or called out? But in a way that works for you? There's no need for anger to be shown when doing that. She won't like it. She'll try to hang on to her punching bag. But you can stop the cycle. YOU have that power and do not need to keep going back for more.

What you're doing is going down a cheese less tunnel.

Break the cycle.

Question: Do you feel like you need her approval of your actions? Why?

AJ