frankly my darling...

[paul19510]

I am glad if it helped. The one thing I have found and want to say is...this thing leaves a scar. Stand, let go....reconcile,divorce...both leave scars. It took me this long to begin to really see, working on YOU and protecting YOU is the only positive part.

I never want to suffer like that again. Now I have some tools and growth so that I most likely won't. That is what I gained here.

Peace.

[raliced]

Ahoy, I think Paul covered it all!. Just want to selfishly say, I would miss you if you left the boards.

[SunnyB]

Thank you for reminding me why I probably shouldn't be on these boards.

Ahoy, honey, don't go there again. You know we value you and want you around. Not every stage of this is sunshine and rainbows, and we just have to work through it all together.

Paul, I enjoyed your post. Neither my H nor I have ever mentioned the word "divorce", but I am pretty sure it's coming. I don't know who will file first. Your post gives me hope that even D will be OK.

[LisaB]

Ahoy, Paul, I just want to add/agree that while we can all continue to stand and wait for things to turn around - sometimes they never do and sometimes it is not worth it. Sometimes you are just better off without the person that you married because they are not right for you!

I know this is a pro-marriage site and all that but sometimes you just have to do what is best for you. Sometimes that is getting rid of a bad person or relationship in your life. Only you can make that decision.

Ahoy, it sounds to me like you are just done. Maybe you could wait and turn this thing around and reunite with your H. In fact it sounds like it is quite possible. But to me it sounds like you don't really want that. And I think that is fine and that is your choice to make!

Big hugs, Lisa

[paul19510]

Ahoy et al, choosing to move in one direction or another does not mean you need to leave this forum. I don't want to be D. its something I have to accept. If you get to the last chapter of DR and if you read Passionate Marriage (mwd draws on some of Schnarch's work in her writings) you will find that D is discussed. D is not defeat. Rushing to D or D with the exact same dynamics as the M( or worse) is.

A big concept outlined by both authors is called Differentiation. It referrs to holding onto to yourself or maintaining a sense of self while involved in a long term intimate relationship with another. We humans tend to do a bad job of this....hence the script from WAS. "I need to find myself...." If we look at it honestly, we each need to find ourselves too. Hence all the good advice from people like bug and 25 who have done the gut wrenching work of differentiating. Stay or go, that choice exists throughout the M.

Our WAS does not choose us today. They may never. They may regret the choice and never tell us. They might even remarry and repeat the same awful cycle if they don't do their work. We can't do anything about that.

For myself, I fought this fight (with and without these tools) for at least 10 years now. I am 47. My kids are almost grown. They had seen me living in a disrespectful M with a partner who openly disliked me. Dispite my changes to feel better and be more of the person I stopped being, W did not feel well enough to fight for a better life with me.

I wanted to show my kids what respect and love should look like. I was unwilling to wait and see if W might (and its a big might) think better of me and come home. She was unwilling or unable to show love to me and our children in ways that I could understand. Its early...but I have a chance of that now.

For the record I told my W the family we created is timeless and will never die. I have seen it with my GF and her XH. 6 years post D, they share a bond they cannot break. They are not healthy in the same space for extended periods, but she admitted to me that she appreciates him as a person more now than when they were M and we so enmeshed.


That's why I am committed to making whatever comes next be OK for all of us. W recently admitted to me that she sees this too.

[paul19510]

Sandi...I left you out in the above, but I have read your posts and learned so much from them. Thank you also.

[Ahoy]

Thank you all for chiming in -- I guess my comment about maybe not being on the boards is more due to the fact that at times people respond to the fact that I've accepted D as a fact that is fast approaching as me being not pro-marriage. And they are right that this is a pro-marriage site. I guess I keep coming back for the support because this is a difficult time -- coming to a place of acceptance with what is happening and what is likely to happen. And also because I know so many of you are also where I am and feeling these things.

Paul -- can I ask, why is your D process as long as it is? I just had coffee with a friend, and hers took only 4 months. I'm just trying to get an idea of the time frame for the process.

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy As I have said before What ever you decide I and most on here will support you. I see a subtle change in your posts since you first spoke about the "end ".

My life coach tells me that I will go through different stages , sad , glad, etc. I have read on this site that at least a month must pass before any decision is made

In my humble opinion you are a strong intelligent woman but even someone like you needs time to adjust and let your feelings settle I have no doubt you are confident in your choices but would giving it time make your life worse ?

I feel for you and your daughter because I believe we all feel you pain with both your feelings and your Ds.

Keep strong and I am 100% confident you will be happy again If that's without your H then his loss.

I wish I could post some words to help and make this journey easier but I have none. Please know that from your posts on here you have made a differance to me and I am sure many others on and you would be sorely missed

If you go dark on us then we will pursue !!!!!!!!! Lol. Take care RD

[paul19510]

I waited a few months to file. Then she waited a few months to respond. Then it took time to gather the info for what we own and what we owe

[paul19510]

The site is about saving your M. but there is a topic about surviving D in here too