New England Newcomer

[mahhhty]

You will grow as a person in ways you haven't even thought of yet. People don't grow through happiness and contentment, unfortunately, they grow through hardship. I liken my sitch to basic training to prepare for the remainder of my life. Your pain is real, but use it to your advantage. Don't waste your pain.

This is definitely true! I have learned more about myself and about relationships in 4-5 months than I have in 10 years. I already feel more prepared for the future, but I am still on the emotional roller coaster.

[mahhhty]

3 and 4 hurt me the most. They're false and said to build a fence around their decision.

Do you know if she has someone else lined up? You make no mention of an OM (other man). I ask because my W lied to me until I figured it out myself, but the OM was there all along.

3 & 4 were hurtful, and when I first heard them like most, I didn't take it well. I understand now that she was building a wall to support her behavior. At the time, I just didn't get it.

I thought for a long time that there was a OM. I asked her on multiple times and the answer was always No. As of two months ago her family didn't know of one either. I obviously can't continue to ask and am no longer trying to find out. Although I would love to know. I can't control that.

Another thing that isn't clear: what's your goal? Do you still want to save your M? If so, how much are you willing to put into it? Or are you here for self-preservation and development?

My goal... It has always been to save my marriage. I am confident (120%) believe that I married my soulmate. "It isn't that we choose poorly, it is that we choose not to change when our relationship needed change." I miss her and I love her. I am seeing a therapist (going on 7 weeks), stopped drinking for month (now only drinking socially as part of GAL), I've had 6 sessions with the nicest DB Coach you could ask for, and I've analyzed and overanalyzed many things I am sure (I'm an engineer but not a socially awkward one). I don't want to look back on this event and think that I should have done more. Thats why I am trying to do so much. However, what I have noticed is that as I pour myself into change, the lack of any change or confrontation of our real issues on her end is upsetting and disappointing. I know that I can't expect it, but it is disappointing, and so the last couple days, I've been able to imagine life alone.

[mahhhty]

Be prepared to be painted as the bad guy. It's how they justify their behavior. Because if you weren't so terrible, then they'd be terrible people for doing this to a decent person. Can't have that, so they demonize us.

I've definitely felt this. Her own sister apologized to me. Now I am this awful person. I get it. I don't agree but I get it.

But definitely own your own failings in the M and work hard to figure out what those might be. Get started on fixing them. The more you improve yourself, the less our spouses can see that person they need to leave so badly.

This is Cadet's gift of time. I am on it. Of course it is my perception of my own failings. But I am making the most of my new opportunity!

[mahhhty]

When they say "ILYBNILWY", it's typically, but not always, because they have a point of comparison. It's wayward wife speak for I love someone else now.

Georgia Bulldogs... I just quoted the top, but the entire post is definitely relevant. She has never been a person to lie or withhold things. However, as time went on, she withheld the affair acquisition and withheld the idea of her happiness from me. Our communication as a couple was awful (but great as parents), and our love languages were not being spoken. I am cognizant that there could be another man and I'll find out about it after the divorce. But after asking 4 times I can't ask again. I've been dealing with it by telling myself that it is something I can't control.

[mahhhty]

This is definitely the right place for support thank you all!

[mahhhty]

*********New update and need some advice on how to handle situation....

We have been doing lawyer mediation to work through the divorce, and we have been progressing through the process with very few fights or arguments. Until Child Support.

The mediation lawyer filled out the state's Child Support Guidelines form and sent us a copy before Thanksgiving, we never talked about the form during mediation and haven't had mediation since. The form identified me as the obligor, her as the obligee and at the bottom stated I should pay her $1,430 a month. As I started to educate myself on the guidelines I found a ton of areas of concern because I have the kids 50% of the time and we both make about the same (i.e. the amount, me being assumed the obligor, how can I afford this when I have the kids 50% of the time, errors in the data used, not understanding the form itself).

I tried to explain my concerns to her, but all she heard was that I didn't want to pay. She didn't her that I would actually be in the red, or that this would impact my ability to provide for the kids when they were with me.

However as a result of the stalemate, we both decided to speak to lawyers to get our concerns answered. She spoke with one and sent me an counter offer which was $250 less. I thanked her for the offer and asked her if she talked with the lawyer about any of my concerns to gain perspective. She did not answer.

My consultation with the lawyer was yesterday. The lawyer identified that 95% of the time she handles 50/50 custody cases two values on the form are subtracted from each other resulting in the payment. In this situation my payment would be $400 a month.

It isn't that I don't want to take care of my kids, it is the principal that she believes something so incorrect that it could bankrupt me.

How should I approach this with her? I am afraid all she will hear is that I don't want to take care of my family.

[Wonka]

My suggestion is to have your L communicate this to your W's L. This way, L is the authority on this and can handle negotiations with your W's L. This removes you from being the "bad guy" here and protects you.

Good luck!

[mahhhty]

Thanks Wonka... That is definitely a good way to deal with it.

[mahhhty]

Feeling a little somber tonight. The kids and I had a good day. Cut down a Christmas Tree, decorated it and the house. The house that I built with the W. Definitely tough being the one left behind.

Looking forward... I read the MLC post from a couple years ago and ordered The Solo Partner and Divorce Remedy. An early Christmas present to myself and hopefully, to my family.

Also, every night (for the most part) the person without the kids calls the one with the kids to say goodnight. Is this a good idea? Should I try to discontinue this? My kids are D4 & S2. So I think its really important for them to hear/talk to the other parent, but I'm not sure how it's affecting my path. I try to talk only about the kids. I don't ask questions about her, and I keep my answers short.

[mahhhty]

Also, every night (for the most part) the person without the kids calls the one with the kids to say goodnight. Is this a good idea? Should I try to discontinue this? My kids are D4 & S2. So I think its really important for them to hear/talk to the other parent, but I'm not sure how it's affecting my path. I try to talk only about the kids. I don't ask questions about her, and I keep my answers short.

I'm trying to go dark, so I believe this is a good idea from that perspective. However, I don't want to influence the kids relationship with their mother, unfortunately they are caught in the middle and definitely miss her at home. Thoughts?