Confusion is getting better, I think...

[Okabe]

I don't know what others think, but I find this to be a good article /list on detachment.

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/266618

[Okabe]

I can be so dense sometimes. Every time I think I am making some progress with detaching I go right back and do something I shouldn't.
This morning we were talking about the holidays and I was mentioning that I was planning on getting myself a laptop after the holidays. She asked if I would like one as a gift. I told her I hadn't thought of it but that I had had a few gift ideas for her this year (we haven't exchanged gifts the last couple of years since there wasn't much either of us wanted and clutter in the house).
As we talked about the holidays I felt good so (against my better judgement) I asked her if she'd like a hug. She told me that she would give me one if I wanted one. I asked: "Well, would you actually like one?" She told me it didn't matter to her. So I left it and said "okay" and didn't give her one.
While it was dumb of me to ask, at least I didn't just glomp on to her and hug her anyways I guess.
This is a process. I at times feel like I am doing better and then I have set backs like this.
At least I didn't let her response devastate me. I accepted it and I backed away. Small victories in failure.

[Okabe]

I was thinking about it and realized something.
I was feeling good about our conversation, so I projected my wants on to the situation rather than just observing it and accepting it as it was.
I was surprised about her offering to get the laptop for me for x-mas and so I felt good about things and pushed that feeling too far into an action that I hadn't needed to (and shouldn't have).
Live and learn I guess.

[25yearsmlc]

I was thinking about it and realized something.
I was feeling good about our conversation, so I projected my wants on to the situation rather than just observing it and accepting it as it was.
I was surprised about her offering to get the laptop for me for x-mas and so I felt good about things and pushed that feeling too far into an action that I hadn't needed to (and shouldn't have).
Live and learn I guess.

Hey, this is NOT a linear process. Sometimes I made leaps and other times I backslid big time. Hang in there, it DOES improve....eventually.

[Okabe]

Thank you.
I just have to remember/ learn that this is a time for me to address my stuff, to learn to "let go" in a healthy manner, to GAL, and restrain that urge to try to "fix" her or the relationship. I have to accept where she is at for now until she is ready to start talking about the "R" (which with her could be a long time).

[Okabe]

On the way to work I was thinking that the more I spend of my time obsessing over the details of our M, the less I am able to detach. Yes, I need to work on myself, read relationship books, and be more aware of my W (so that I can do 180s and actions that make a difference), but I should learn to create more mental space or other things.
GAL actions:
- Working in shutting down our kwoon (martial arts studio). It was time (it wasn't a business. just a small non-profit school). That will free up more time for me once that is done.
- Got 2 new credit cards. My first in around 20 years. I'm not planning on going on a hog wild buying spree, I just want the extra fraud protection that a debit card doesn't have.
- Going bowling this Sunday with my best friend.

Otherwise life keeps going on (almost) like normal. She's friendly, we'll talk about closing the kwoon, her school, the kids, or the upcoming holidays. It's like we always were, just with no ILY or affection. I'll keep at it.

"if you feel like you can't function,
start shuckin' the jive,
don't drown in the sound
of your certain demise,
just be a different person if you're hurting inside." -MC Chris

[Okabe]

Feeling panicky.
Worried how long it will take for W to bring up a R talk. When talking to my best friend over the weekend (who has known us both for 20+ years). He pointed out a few things.
He said: "While you do a lot of the stuff in your marriage, XXX decides the mood and course of your marriage, I have seen it she always does."
When I mentioned being worried about Divorce being filed. He said:" I don't think she ever will. She likes the status quo too much and always has. She doesn't move to do things, you do".
I told him I worried about being stuck in this weird holding pattern indefinitely. He told me as far as he could tell we had been in the same holding pattern for 20 years.

He had some interesting points.
What I don't like today.
How easy she adapted to me not saying ILY or initiating any affection. It makes me feel down and anxious this afternoon (or perhaps that is just too much caffeine).
I won't do or say anything. I just needed to get this out.

Blech.

[Okabe]

Well, I watched an episode of Arrow while I walked on the treadmill. That seemed to help some. Time to go make dinner. Hopefully I can keep myself distracted and my spirits up tonight.

[Okabe]

I was thinking /wondering about how much (in a couple of ways) my W mirrors her mother.
Her mother got her education /career later in life. My W just started school last year.
Her parents separated (they were never married) when she was 16. My oldest son will be 15 this month.
There is part of me at times that wonders if she is unconsciously living a script from childhood.

[25yearsmlc]

I was thinking /wondering about how much (in a couple of ways) my W mirrors her mother.
Her mother got her education /career later in life. My W just started school last year.
Her parents separated (they were never married) when she was 16. My oldest son will be 15 this month.
There is part of me at times that wonders if she is unconsciously living a script from childhood.

I'll post more later but wanted to chime in with a question.

What difference does any of this "analysis" make? It does not change your course of action (I hope, b/c it's all speculation).

So why not just focus on YOURSELF? As for GAL, let me share something with you. I'm not giving you a 2 x 4 but I KNOW you can GAL way more...

And you Cannot Detach Without GAL. You really can't.


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon!

I Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark of their long LONG cold winters).

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.