Learning to Walk Again

[TSquared2]

But there is a fine line of pulling back, and just being cold. A difficult line to walk.

There is some more wiggle room, some more space to show you heard her, and to show a wee bit more of what life without you could look/feel like.

For example:

Then the phone rings ... I answer and its W. Asking if I was awake

So, you don't have caller-id or her number in your contacts identifying her? And could have let it go to VM, then listen to the VM and determine if kid or emergency, call back in 5 min, or if not, 2 hours?

[CaliGuy]

But there is a fine line of pulling back, and just being cold. A difficult line to walk.

There is some more wiggle room, some more space to show you heard her, and to show a wee bit more of what life without you could look/feel like.

For example:

Then the phone rings ... I answer and its W. Asking if I was awake

So, you don't have caller-id or her number in your contacts identifying her? And could have let it go to VM, then listen to the VM and determine if kid or emergency, call back in 5 min, or if not, 2 hours?

Yeah .. I actually have been doing that with texts ... if it was not about S or important .. I might reply in 30 minutes or so ... if at all. This instant last night .. she TM something about S and school.... I got up and took a shower, ate .... picked up the phone and replied "ok" and whammo the thing buzzed in my hand and I had that panic attack like I just cut the wrong wire on the bomb... lol. So I felt obligated to answer rather than ignore when she knew I just texted her ... she is cagey man .. cagey... lol

I have been doing VERY well with texts .. seemed to be my donwfall .... I do not fire back right away, and when and if she started spew or any R talk I refuse to respond after setting the boundary with her that I would not discuss important items via phone or TM as I do not want to be misunderstood any longer. That has helped tremendously for me.

[TSquared2]

So I felt obligated to answer rather than ignore when she knew I just texted her

but the original text from her wasn't an emergency, if I read correctly?

Hm...

[uRworthy]

Hey Cal. I wont go through the whole convo unless you would like me to. I know what fun that is for you. LOL~

I do want to just say this. I agree with my bud, T2. There was no reason for you to take the call.

You are getting there on detaching..but you still have a ways to go.

When she said, "I made a mess of my life", your answer should be......say it with me now..."Sorry you feel that way."

She knows you love her, C. Trust me on that.

She doesnt get to dump her stuff on you anymore..unless you let her.

And she again put you in the position of defending yourself and you played right into it.

You can be cordial without being mean. It's like you want to know what she is thinking. Right now, it doesnt matter.

She knows she can count on you to listen to her. So, what's changed, ya know?

Get out of her head, C. Leave her to this. You cannot move forward if you are looking over your shoulder at her and the same goes for her.

I know you are trying. I can see it. You just have to take the leap of faith and really believe the words that you wrote. That it is in His hands and what is supposed to happen, will.

[TSquared2]

You just have to take the leap of faith and really believe the words that you wrote...

^^^^

[uRworthy]

So I felt obligated to answer rather than ignore when she knew I just texted her

but the original text from her wasn't an emergency, if I read correctly?

Hm...

Yea, you have to get to a place where you arent fearful of doing what you perceive as the wrong thing. You are still so worried about her reactions, when the truth is, they arent your problem right now...

[CaliGuy]

Ok .. Maybe I am just confused or missing this.... both yes.

I think I understand ... and it is just hard, seems cruel to me .. I know I know .. I can not fix her.

So basically NC her ... let her get through her stuff, stay PMA do my GAL's and at all costs do not get sucked in.

I know Christmas she is going to pull out the stops .. I just know it. I have set into place what I think should happen. uR and Ts^D Thank you ... this is not easy for me. I see someone I care about suffering badly and there is little I can do. Save myself .. let God have it .. rinse and repeat.

[uRworthy]

Cal, this is how I looked at it. I loved my h so much that I wanted what was best for him. What was best for him was for me to allow him to try to figure himself out. He couldnt do that if I was always there.

I wanted to honor my marriage and our long relationship by letting him go with love. I know that doesnt sound like it makes sense, but, it is how I felt.

He couldnt do what he needed to do if I was always there to listen to him talk about how messed up he was. Even if I didnt say one word, in his mind, I was agreeing with him. As long as he felt that way, he didnt have to do anything different.

You do not have to be cruel. I was never cruel. I was always kind, cordial and respectful even when he was doing some horrific things.

I just did not engage. I did not allow him to call whenever he felt like it or stop by at anytime.

I did that not only for him, but, for me. I couldnt fully detach with him in contact all the time.

You can answer some texts and calls, but keep them short. She starts talking about her or her family or anything other than your son, you change the subject and move along.

I know it is hard to see her struggling and hurting. I get it, trust me. But she will not try anything different as long as she keeps getting what she needs from you. There is no need for her to look within because her world is exactly the same for the most part.

She gets to be with her child. She gets to unload on Cal. She has you doing the stuff she needs you to do. She gets to live her life however she wants to, so she can just continue to coast.

Love her enough to let her go. Love yourself enough, too. Leave her in His capable hands.

[Mach1]

I know the man I want to be, I am actively doing things to get there ... I would love for her to be a part of that, but she has her own journey to finish up first.

I would agree on that part, and I see you really wanting to believe it, although I don't see you trusting yourself to consistently get there.....

All the wondering about this text, or this call. Do I answer now or later ?

Do I leave a message, or return this call is tiring huh ??

What is the meaning behind these words, or this conversation. Man, it's not paying into what you said above.

I would suggest that you just start trusting yourself to know when you are capable of handling these interactions, and let the contact flow as you are willing.

There is no right or wrong answer with it, and I have seen it play out in a variety of ways.

How, When, Where, and Why you respond, should be based on how you are able to respond at that time. Child emergencies however, trump every thing else.

It is a razor's edge Cali....and finding that balance is hard to do.

I can tell you this....

As long as you are looking backward to see if, how, and why SHE reacts, takes your focus off of moving forward.

You have to lead by looking forward...no other way to do it.

And every time that you look back, it shows that you don't trust your leadership.

[TSquared2]

Cali, It's not cruel, it's hearing her. It's you accepting her choices for her life at the moment, and respecting them, even though you may not agree.

And you making choices for YOUR life regardless of her choices, imo (you did read NMMNG... ).

Here's the parameters I used in the beginning to make it more clear cut for me until I really trusted myself:

Kid emergency? Immediate response.

Kid issue, but not emergency? Within 15 minutes.

Business/divorce/finances? Within 30 minutes.

Her issues, "non-emergency"? Wait 2 hours.

Calls without a text first? To voice mail, then from there determine what category ^^^ was appropriate.

And I set a boundary with her, that unless a dire emergency, to text before calling.

This helped me have a a method in place until I got my own strength and trust solidified. Now I am more flexible.

For example, recently when she texted that wanted to talk, and I knew she was struggling, she texted at 7:53 am...so when I got to work, I texted back that I needed to have coffee (and she knows I need my coffee) and check my work agenda first, that I'd let her know when a good time would be (had to get those shields powered up and all... ).