Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[raliced]

Hey Calibiri,

I've been reading your posts and struggle with advice because I think the situation with your H's depression is a tough one.

That being said, there is a lot going on in your posts. I think right now you should consider taking a step back for a moment. Your post about the 30 lbs of lost weight concerns me. Stop worrying about your H for a week. He should be ok for that long, right? (If you need to contact him out of concern for his safety keep t as brief as possible) Start with that, and during that week focus on your health. Concentrate on getting some nutritious calories in you (tip- right after BD , soup was my best friend- easy to digest and chock full of nutrients). Drink enough water everyday, cut back on coffee if you need to, etc. You sound like a smart lady - and I'm sure you know what to do - but I would make this your immediate focus. It will help you deal with everything else - and yes, get some entertaining reading in the mix!

[Calibri]

Thank you for responding Raliced!

I know there's alot going on in my posts. It's alot going on irl. You should see what I don't post. LOL.

The 30 pound weight loss concerned me. I knew I had lost weight, and I thought it was around 15 pounds. Not 30. Which is why this should be a priority -- thank you for reinforcing that.

I also agree with stepping back away from H right now. Until he has his meds sorted out, we aren't going to get anywhere. And truth is, we aren't going to solve anything in the next week so......

Thanks for the perspective. And for the check in.

:-)

[Dawn70]

I TOTALLY understand being all over the map emotionally! I do that too. I cry, I laugh, I cry while I laugh and laugh while I cry. It is maddening some days. For me, what works is to stop myself when I start to cry and just pray. I have never been a particularly religious person, but I pray for my family, I pray for myself and my dog, I even occasionally pray for H. It seems to calm me when I am up and down so much. Hang in there!

[Pink17]

Hi Calibri,
It's very hard to deal with all the stuff you need to. I have been learning all the stages of my pain. And, I did start to accept that this is what happen to most human beings, we navigate the pain with different emotions time to time.

I was reading your posts and don't remember reading about your work or his work. If he works, how is he coping with the day by day reality?

And since he is still sorting out his meds, and hopefully he is seeing the right doctor to prescribe them, there is any danger of suicide or just that he will hurt himself in any way?

If you are confident he is not at that point of depression that will harm himself, then you need to step back and make yourself whole. Maybe if you are strong and can manage to show him confidence in your self, maybe he will be leaning to your side in a way to get himself back to who he wants to be.

When reading DB and DR I remember reading that it seems unfair that we need to do the heavy lift right now for the R, and then Michele writes that yes it seems unfair but you are here and you are determined to get the R back on track, so prepare yourself for the hard work.

I see you are trying your best, and you feel crappy time to time, but try do not bit yourself up. None of what you say from your childhood problems are your fault. Someone else did this, you had no control of what people did to you, you may have control now on how do deal with all the pain you carry inside, maybe you want to work with your IC about forgiven the people that hurt you in the past. At first, it feels like betraying yourself, then with time, you feel a giant weight to be lift from your shoulders, you start seeing life in a different way.

I was reading an article that was explaining about some studies on human behavior change and it mention that it is the most difficult thing for human beings to do: LET GO!

We hold on to every emotion and become slaves of our own feelings... maybe you can check with your IC about techniques you can use to Let Go all this pain you carry inside. And, you may have a better chance for H to return. He is already noticing your changes, work on yourself and be the best woman you can be and the one only a fool would leave.

There will be days for tears, but don't beat yourself. Try to see yourself as part of nature... there are sunny days, but once in a while it rains, like the sky needs to cry.

I know you can do it, you are in the right track. It was hard for me at first, but I have been learning to be gentle with myself, and that I don't need to be tough all the time.

LOVE YOURSELF... and everyone else will love you too.

Good Luck...Hugs

[Pink17]

Hey Calibri,

How are you? Hope you are feeling well. Please, take good care after yourself. During this time with emotions all over the place it's very important to understand that you need to sleep and eat properly.

I know it is very hard, I lost 29lbs myself. Sometimes food is the last thing I want to think about, but eat something lite, just to keep you in good health.

You are in my prayers girl, you can do it!

[Calibri]

Pink –

Thank you for your post yesterday – it was much needed. I confess, I read it and burst into tears and had to go hide in the bathroom for awhile until I could be non teary at my desk.

I don’t know how H is coping with the day to day reality of his situation. He said that he’s mostly going to work and trying to focus on his work and keep going. His boss knows about what’s going on (due to having to come in late/leave early for therapy appointments). Other than that – I think he goes to work, occasionally works out, and then goes back to his hotel room to do whatever it is he does. I do know I’m the only one he shows his anger to. Something about me triggers the anger in him. However, he did admit to me and his therapist that he’s been angry his whole life, but started suppressing his anger in his teens because he realized that his anger scared people and brought negative attention to him. (I can’t tell you how relieved that makes me feel – it’s not just me.)

My own arm chair psychologist analysis: I’m the only person in his life who has really pushed him and challenged him. His parents have always been very laid back/lackluster with parenting, support etc. They never encouraged their children to stick with things. To work through things. They’re very “free spirited” and feel that people should only do what they want to do in life. “Want to quit your degree one class shy of completion – ‘cause it’s a math course and you don’t like it? Sure, why not. You should only do what you want to do.” “Don’t want to keep working at your job because your boss annoys you? Sure, quit with no notice – another job will come along.” So, I’m quite the departure from do what you want to do. And at the beginning of this separation, I pushed. More than I should’ve. To talk, to try and understand. To try and get him to see reason. I also think I’m the only person that he’s really talking to, and being somewhat honest with – which is why I’m getting the anger. But I have to accept that he has to work through that, and I can avoid situations (for now) that triggers his anger. That’s HIS issue to work on, and when the time comes along where I can help with it – I will.

Am I confident that he’s not at a point where he will harm himself? Not 100%. I would say 99% confident he wouldn’t. But, having lost four people in my life to suicide, I worry probably more than I should. Factor in my own job (I work in the organ & tissue recovery field) and I deal with death EVERY DAY. With every death comes a story – and with the holidays right around the corner, the increases in suicides will start rolling in. So, I’m hypersensitive. ‘Tis the season……..blah. H does has a sit down appointment with our doctor about the meds today. Our doctor is very compassionate man and will do his best to work with H to find something that will work.

So having said all of that – I’m allowing myself to step back. I have to, because I have no other choice. My IC and I are actively working on all of your suggestions. I’ve had several moments of realization over the past couple of days and I’ve got to work on them.

Again, thank you for your kind words – and I like your analogy of being nature.

Hugs back to you.

[Calibri]

The past two days have been rough. Wednesday night I got a message from H, saying that he wasn’t communicating because his meds were still giving him nasty side effects, making him very moody and he was avoiding blow ups. I thanked him, validated, etc.

And then about five minutes later it hit me like a truck and I spent a good 20 minutes on the floor of my kitchen sobbing. I’m not on H’s radar. At all. Haven’t been for weeks. Months, if we’re being honest. He hasn’t asked about me or my day in weeks. I suspect this is probably to the meds/depression. But then, take away the depression/meds issue and you still have the separation and his anger at me and all of the reasons why (he feels) I’m a horrible wife and doesn’t want to be with me.

The likelihood of me being able to have a conversation with my H – within the next month? Slim and none. That’s IF the meds get adjusted and he starts to feel better. Then you add into the situation, his feelings, etc. And the possibilities get smaller to the point where the reality is we’re probably going into NC.

I cried myself to sleep, for the first time in months Tuesday night.

Wednesday I forced myself to have a good day. Spent a majority of the day decorating for the holidays at work and running a lot of errands which kept me busy. I had been on the fence about decorating for the holidays since it would be just me, but I was having a good PMA. Like I said on Ss’s thread – I was all “eff yeah I’m going to enjoy the holidays. I’m going to buy a tree. I’m going to decorate, I’m going to do this.”

And I got home, and the tree is sitting in the box in my dining room, and the PMA was gone, and the sadness was back. Honestly, if I had room in my car, I would’ve taken it right back to the store. But I don’t. So it’s still sitting in my dining room. Mocking me. For some reason, I’ve assigned symbolism to the damn tree. And I can’t exactly figure out what the hell is bothering me about it.

Thursday, I was pretty weepy all day. Went to IC. IC told me H was lost in the fog of Depression/Meds out of wack and then our sitch. I have so much I want to say to him. So much I want to share. And he’s not in any place to hear it. She confirmed that. I told her that I needed to focus on myself. Because while up until the b drop, I was genuinely happy. With everything. Marriage, life, career, etc. But now? Now? I can’t name five things I like about myself. And if I can’t like things about myself – how in the hell would I expect H to come home? I feel like H’s negative view of our R has crept into me and saturated my soul. And I don’t like that.

I straight up bawled on her couch. Bawled. I never thought that if we were to come to this in our R that I would be this devastated. Even H noted when all this started how surprised at the devastation I showed. He genuinely thought I wouldn’t care. I thought I would be tough. I’m this tough b*tch right? Turns out I’m not. And I don’t want to be. Because look where that got me. Somewhere, on someone’s thread in the last week – they stated they want to be strong, not tough. I want that as well. The reason I’ve been so angry with my H? Because he can’t see my vulnerability. Because it’s wrapped up in anger. My IC believes if H could see the woman who bawled on her couch, who is making the revelations that I’ve been making – that if he was in a place where he was ready to listen and to see – that we might have a shot. That his perception of me might change. That I need to show the vulnerable, soft side. And I don’t know how to do that. And it scares me.

I cried myself to sleep again last night. Blah.

Tonight will be low key. I will ponder the tree, watch netflix, and go to bed early where hopefully there will be little to no tears.

I'm going to get through this.

[Ss06]

Calibri,

Oh man are we similar.

My H was SHOCKED at BD that I didn't say, "yeah, good idea, let's divorce". He was surprised by my desire to work things out, make changes, find our way through this. I was surprised by him being surprised.

I've often wondered if my inability to show vulnerability during our marriage made me seem stronger than I actually was. Too tough.

In actuality, my lack of vulnerability and ability to deeply connect was my way of protecting myself from the disappointment of not feeling safe enough with him to do that. I don't mean to imply it's his fault I was a b!tch. I know it's not. It's my fault for not making changes in me. I always wrongly assumed that making a change in our marriage required his cooperation. I never saw that my singular change could create a trickle effect.

And now I'm paying for that lack of realization.

I think it's good that you're reconnecting with your bawling and vulnerable side. It's hard but in a way it feels good to allow oneself to soften a bit and to just freaking emote instead of being a strong rock all the time. Do you feel similarly?

My personal opinion is that your H is leaning on you too much. You're in a place of having to help him rescue himself but I'm concerned that could backfire. I'm not a vet by any stretch of the imagination but you can't fix his depression, anger, get him on the right meds, fix his parents, be the strict parent he needed as a kid. It's not your responsibility. Your energy needs to be on YOU. Not on helping him pick himself up.

Also, can you slide the tree under the couch or shove it in a closet? Pick a date, say, December 15th, and work your way mentally preparing yourself for putting up the tree that day. Have a couple friends over, only talk about positive things. Make it DIFFERENT than just you putting up a tree alone.

You have control over that. You do. It won't be awesome but it doesn't have to be terrible. Make that choice.

[TLEE86]

Hi Calibri, finally got the time to read your whole thread and wow…i feel like you're the female version of me…down to cross fit #TeamFroning

Of the many similarities that you write about, the one i wanted to mention was about how you feel like you always have to be in control.

I'm the exact same way and couldn't help but laugh when you said even grief counseling pissed you off because you couldn't control how you were navigating the steps of grief. I said the same thing to my IC and DB coach. What I've learned is…there is nothing on earth that is more humbling, that can literally bring me down to my knees, hell, not even that, half the time i end up sprawled out on the floor, than the thought of not being married to my W anymore. But like you wrote in my thread, there is NOTHING we can do to save our H/W even though we just want to jump in there and be like "ok do it THIS WAY and it will be FIXED." For me, this is the ultimate test of giving up that control that I was so used to having, both at work and in my M. Whenever I get the urge to "fix" my W again, I just tell myself that THAT is what brought my M here, to an extent. This whole experience has shown me that I can't control everything, not everything will go according to my plan. My W is coming up with her own plan, and the more that I try to control it and "make it my own," the worse it gets. 180 for me is…try not to care what she is doing and not make up a plan for her because I have tried to "take care of her" our whole M, and she needs to figure it out on her own. I am sure you already realized this yourself for you and your H…the more you try and pick him up and help him, he will never get that dose of reality he needs.

As for the tree, I'm sure many of us are in that same boat. You do have control over that. Maybe put it up, take a picture, send it to H. Show him what he is missing.

[Pink17]

Hi Calibri,

SS had a good idea, make it a date with some girlfriends, some wine, cheese, crackers, grapes? After the three maybe play some board game, or some poker, just for fun.

And... maybe it's time to pick yourself up and read DB, DR again and Sandy's list. You want to show your vulnerability right now, so you can use this as yours 180s. How you behave when you are tough? Maybe try to do "as if".

At some point, things will get better. Try do think that the priority is to make positive changes on you, respect and allow yourself to love yourself.

It's very hard, the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, but you need to "LET GO" and start doing things you like. Maybe you don't even know what you like, but try small things first and see if that smile shows up again.

Today I will ring the Salvation Army bell for one hour in front of a supermarket... it may be silly in many people's opinion, but I am having a blast to know that I will help a little bit someone that has less then what I have. It makes me feel good and I can even forget H for awhile.

This time of the year is very good for doing some volunteering, look for things that can enrich your spirit. Work out, go for a bike ride, walk.

The more you feel good about yourself, the more your H will think about what he is loosing. He thinks about you, he is just so mixed up right now that he can't bring himself to face his own situation.

Go back and check your priorities, your goals, concentrate in things that work and don't do what does not work. Be patient, patient, and when you think you are done be more patient.

About the Xmas tree... why do you do it in the first place? I do my Xmas tree because I am catholic and I believe it's a symbol of my faith in God, so for me it has nothing to do with H, I do it for myself because my faith does not change with H or without him. Just a tough.

And put some eye cream, crying can make your eyes baggy and you want to be gorgeous... this is to make you laugh!!!! kkkkk

Keeping you in my heart and prayers!
Pink