I think that the vets might, choose to comment, but it might seem appropriate for some boundaries with H and his EA/PA and your D14.
A picture from online? A dating web site, FB or some such doesn't seem very personal to H. Not a happy snap on his mobile phone? There is a not so good smell about it.
You and D deserve better. ((((Hugs)))))
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I have been avoiding H. Not responding to his texts or emails unless they are about D14. So today I get an email saying he wants me to come to the door when I drop off D14 so we can chat and catch up about things and discuss D14's schedule and such. I told him I needed space, and but that I'm always happy to discuss D14 and her schedule by text or email any time.
Of course, he was more than happy to drop off D14 without coming to the door when he first left me and "needed space" to "find himself" (aka sleep with his girlfriend). Now he wants to show D14 how "civil" we are when dropping off by being able to chat with one another during drop off? Why? Because he once again wants to put on a show that everything is peachy (it's not), because I haven't been giving him the attention he was used to receiving (I no longer care now that I've figured out he's a narcissistic jerk), and because he wants to yank my chain to see if I'm still pining away in pain, longing for him (nope! tootle-loo, cheaterpants).
He wants his cake (me being friendly ex-wifey all smiles and supportive) and to eat it too (home-wrecking girlfriend). I'm not going to play that game. I can be civil, and I am happy to coparent effectively with him, but I am not going to do the dog and pony show for him anymore. He can be as phoney as he likes, since that is what he does best.
He says that he didn't want to hurt me and regrets that I no longer want in-person interaction with him. Can't imagine why not! He hurts me over and over, is intimate with me, then her, then me, then her before vanishing, lies to my face, lies to my daughter, but he wants to have fun little convos at the door and "catch up on each other's week"? No thanks. Jeez.
Last edited by Ahoy; 12/03/1402:57 AM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
1.) ROFLMAO @ "cheaterpants". Love it. Silly girl!
2.) ROCK ON. You got it, girl. Well said.
3.) I love the "I'm sorry I hurt you" these folks throw out; BF gave me that spiel, too. If they honestly didn't mean to hurt us and didn't want to hurt us, they could have thought about their actions before they did them! Truth is that they didn't CARE that what they were doing was going to hurt. Nimrods! *shaking my freakin' head*
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
haha good for you Ahoy! This is your boundary and you have every right to enforce what makes you feel best.
Although I guess something to think about when we are feeling so angry is that they probably are sorry they hurt us and do really want things to be happy and smiling. Not sorry enough not to have done it, not sorry enough to make you actually smile for real. But it is highly likely that they are confused, conflicted and maybe even surprised/ashamed by their own actions and decisions.
But again, you (we) have the right to not have to go along with them pretending all is fine and that we are still best friends and always have their back. There are consequences to their actions.
I love the "I'm sorry I hurt you" these folks throw out; BF gave me that spiel, too. If they honestly didn't mean to hurt us and didn't want to hurt us, they could have thought about their actions before they did them! Truth is that they didn't CARE that what they were doing was going to hurt. Nimrods! *shaking my freakin' head*
In the one real conversation we had after BD, my H told me that he sincerely thought that I wouldn't care if he slept with someone else. Really?????? How far gone do you have to be to believe that your W doesn't care if you cheat? Boggles my mind.
I don't think you're right not to do anything that feels hypocritical or insincere right now. I will add two two things for you to think about. Remember the exchange we had about a civil divorce yesterday? For better or worse that will require somewhat civil relations with him. If you're sticking to email, fine - just make sure your tone is pleasant and upbeat while remaining businesslike. Also, your D is really mad at him right now, but I'm sure she still loves him. Someday, she might actually want to see chatty exchanges between the two of you - so just keep that in mind as a possibility.
Whoops! Hadn't had my coffee yet this morning " I meant to say = I think your're right not to do anything that feels hypocritical" - not sure where that superfluous "don't came from"!
raliced, You are right, and I do aspire to have positive carefree interactions with him in the future, as that's in my daughter's best interest. I just can't do that right now as I need the time and space to heal -- and that's what I told him. I just need space for right now, not forever.
However, I have to say that I think his request is not really about our daughter's needs but more about his needs. He wants my attention. He wants me to be his buddy and not think ill of him. When he brought her to my house, he didn't come to the door -- I came to him to his car to give him the ticket to pay that he accrued in my name -- and though I didn't stick around, I didn't say anything nasty to him at all, just asked him to email me once he'd paid the ticket. Also, our daughter was inside and not around to see the exchange, so it's kind of irrelevant.
I want things to be good for my daughter, but I also recognize that H's request has very little to do with her needs at the moment. If he wanted what's best for our daughter he wouldn't have left the M for an OW and lied to both of us about it for so long. So now there are consequences, including my loss of desire to spend time around him, and that makes him sad. Do I care? No, I do not.
Just went to the gym with someone who has friends who work under my H. They apparently dislike him because he's such an awful boss. It's funny -- I'm learning a lot of things about my H's true personality and character that I didn't realize before (people never told me). He is really not the man I thought he was. How on earth did I not see the real him all these years? It's disheartening. I really don't trust my ability to read people anymore I guess...
Last edited by Ahoy; 12/03/1403:06 PM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I do really like that.