I wouldn't be to surprised if he doesn't come to the oldest holiday concert tomorrow night. If he does I know what I have to do. It time for the divorce papers. I won't be able to take it. That's just to much pain. I guess the last couple of weeks just where all talk. And meant nothing. I'm very very sad tonight. At least if I get the divorce going I could get my child support correct and I could stop paying on her insurance. I have tried so hard. But at least I tried. I'm very very scared for the next chapter in my life but she's making the choice for me. I guess that's why she said in the last convo that if she ends up alone that's what happens. She has a plan and I'm not in it. The pain is just to much anymore and I know divorce is not the answer but at least it will give me some direction to my new life. Man feel like garbage! God please help me!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
I wanted to thank you all for the past six months!
I fought a good fight. But the end is here. I thought long and hard last night. Had a talk with the kids. Told them that I'm very sorry for ever making them feel bad when they talked about Chris the OM. Turns out they kind of like him. They where just putting up a front for dad to not try to hurt my feelings. He is a nice guy but with some very strange behaviors. I can't stand in the way of my wife's happiness. This guy makes her happy. And he is nice to my kids. So I'm not going to hold hope anymore and let them be happy. She is obviously hurting because I still hold on. And that's not fair to her.
So the plan is I'm going to fill out all the divorce paperwork and give it to her after the holidays. I would do it sooner but I don't want to wreck Christmas for her. I can't thank you all enough for always being there for me. In January it marks one year of this all. I hope you all the best through your holidays! Good luck to you all!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
I feel for you. This is a hard step. One that I don't know if I will ever be able to make. I am not sure if it is the right thing to do but who ever knows. Hopefully other people that have gone through this may be able to chip in any advice.
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
I talked to a close friend today about my Christmas plans and he liked them. Except he said maybe I should reconsider the Santa idea. He said yes there should be two Santa's but he said maybe me and her should talk about what each is getting for them from Santa. That way Santa doesn't buy the same gifts for two houses, no kid is going to want that. Parents that fine for the same gift but Santa is special. I had to agree, these kids are already going through so much.
So tonight at the concert I told the wife you are partially right(I was surprised no OM at concert). We should at least talk about what each person is getting them from Santa. And SHE asks me are we doing more than one Santa. I wanted to just shake her, are you serious I know I have said this about three times now. But I didn't. It's like she just doesn't listen to me when I talk.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM if your talking about my negative comment. I was just saying she just isn't getting it that Christmas is going to be separate and two Santa's. It's like she doesn't want to believe it.
As far as me, I think I've come a long way. I don't get as angry as I use to, getting very good at controlling it. I am doing very good at handling all the things a husband should handle. Like insurance, housing, finances. I have made huge strides on relationship qualities. People are coming to me for advise. Father wise I was always a great dad. But I've really tried to be even better. By giving each kid personal time and finding each ones love language. There is two things I still struggle with close minded, like it's my way or no way. Also getting out and meeting new people and friends. I do do a ton of new stuff but connecting on a friend base is hard. I call all my friends all the time but it just seems like no one every calls me to do anything. Frustrating.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
I just wanted to say one more thing that frustrates me. Me and the wife had the discussion about Christmas and times. She had them all weekend and I know that it was on the kids mind because they had been asking me about Christmas times every day before that. They know we where going away from them to discuss Christmas on Friday. But yet she still did not talk with them about it. That was one of the first things they discussed with me on Sunday night. Who's going where and what times. Why is she avoiding it? These little people matter, they don't need to be left out in the cold about it. This is a very important time for them. That's fine if she wants me to talk to them but don't tell them that you don't know. How frustrating.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
You're right about that, she should have told them. Deduce 5 points from her account and here's your medal of Father of the Year. Now what?
Be a good dad, don't judge or try to control her. No, the kids are not going to be scarred for life because they waited a couple of days to hear the Christmas plans a month in advance. Be wary of your own tendency to say or think "It's for the good of the kids!" It looks to me like you're looking for reasons to blame her. She'll be a different parent and, heck, you want her to be at home and be a mom to your kid, so she can't be that bad. My W does a few things I don't approve of with the kids, but nothing that really puts them in danger. And I certainly do things she wouldn't approve -- I myself think I could often do better. The S does not give you the right to set the standard higher than ever. Be kind and understanding: she's going through a hard time and the reason she didn't share the Christmas plans with your kids should be fairly obvious to you: it's painful. You've explained to us how important is Christmas to her. Accept, with love, that she's going through a hard time herself and is probably avoiding the difficult parts. She doesn't have your (our) motivation to do things right.
Try to have more empathy for her. It's something you'll need in a M anyway, so this is a good time to practice.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I totally am not thinking of her and her hard times. I guess I'm still hurt that she thought about us trying to work it out and then jumped right back to OM. Your right I need to take her situation into consideration. I'm sure she is conflicted and hurt by all this. And this is not easy for her. I need to have more empathy for her right know. I lost that in the last few days. This women is still battling depression and anxiety. Along with the holidays and the situation. And I do really still care about her. Be the better person.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
As far as me, I think I've come a long way. I don't get as angry as I use to, getting very good at controlling it. I am doing very good at handling all the things a husband should handle. Like insurance, housing, finances. I have made huge strides on relationship qualities. People are coming to me for advise. Father wise I was always a great dad. But I've really tried to be even better. By giving each kid personal time and finding each ones love language. There is two things I still struggle with close minded, like it's my way or no way. Also getting out and meeting new people and friends. I do do a ton of new stuff but connecting on a friend base is hard. I call all my friends all the time but it just seems like no one every calls me to do anything. Frustrating.
It really sounds like you are making progress on becoming the man you want and need to be. I applaud you for putting forth the effort in a difficult season of your life, but most importantly your recognition and willingness to look introspectively and respond.
Originally Posted By: 3kids
PM if your talking about my negative comment. I was just saying she just isn't getting it that Christmas is going to be separate and two Santa's. It's like she doesn't want to believe it.
If I may be candid, what prompted my question was reading through your posts from November and comparing them to your posts back in July (when you started giving details of your sitch). In short, I don't see much of a difference with regards to how you emotionally react to your W. It seems you are very much still on her roller-coaster, and there is no better advice - still, as it was in July - to work to DETACH from her and get off of that roller-coaster.
I don't mean to rub your nose in that and hope you can take it as me trying to alert you to what I see based on what you post. Instead of me posting direct examples (I can if you would like), try reading back through your posts just from the month of November and do two things:
1) Compare them to your posts starting back in July and see if you can tell a difference in how you interact with W. You still seem to hang on her every word, her daily mood, her actions in general and specifically towards you.
You need to do the right things, be an honorable man, be a man only a fool would leave. What she does, how she is feeling, how she treats you DOES NOT MATTER IN HOW YOU CONDUCT YOURSELF. You are going to do what you need to do. You are going to lead your family forward, and she is welcome to join you if she likes.
On the contrary, what I read is that if you reach out and she rejects your invitation, then you are going to stop reaching out. But that only lasts until (I presume) she warms up to you; you then keep reaching out and going against what you have been advised to do and seem to intellectually accept as the "best" approach (based on your replies to said advice here in your thread).
Subsequently, she mistreats you in some way, whether that is further rejection or, now, the reemergence of the OM, and you are angry and "done" (and I understand you feeling that way).
The problem with this is that your actions are extremely dependent upon her actions. That is an emotionally weak posture to have in your relationship and a sign of emotional immaturity/insecurity/codependency. This should not be the case. The answer? DETACH! DETACH! DETACH!
Which brings me to my second question for you:
2) How many of sandi's 37 rules are you still not adhering to? Yes, you have made significant progress on some, but it appears you are still breaking many of them, yet you are flummoxed as to why your W is acting a certain way and you are still seemingly living day to day, moment to moment.
----- I hope that if you are able to see this it may prompt you to further look introspectively at this particular relationship in your life and act accordingly. You are making good progress in some areas. Continue to put the work in and you will yield the results.
Lastly, I hope you don't see me as attacking you by throwing stones. I am being honest with you based on what I see in hopes it may shake you up to realize that you seem to be neglecting an extremely important aspect of recovering from this life event, healing in a healthy way, and moving forward in life as the man you want to be. I see your timeline. I have been in your shoes. Don't make the same mistakes I made. The longer you put off confronting your issues, the longer the healing process takes and the less of a chance you have to save or restore your M.
My humble $0.02.
-PM
P.S. Some notes I carried around in my wallet based upon information I gathered on this forum:
- Do not pursue - Give her SPACE - Do not talk about R unless she brings up and let her drive the conversation - Act "as if" - Be cheerful, strong, confident, outgoing and attractive at all times! - She is in the castle, you are on the picnic blanket - NEVER lose your cool - Do not respond emotionally to anything - Do not argue with her feelings - Look her in the eyes and LISTEN - Just be yourself - NEVER give up - Stay grounded - her happiness may not be a good sign for R - Be there for her no matter what - Patient Endurance - Be an honorable man - A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits. - Being needy is not attractive - Welcome her openness; be guarded with yours - ALWAYS have HOPE; NEVER have EXPECTATIONS - You can only control YOUR actions - The more she dislikes you, the easier her decision to leave is - Do not temperature check the R - Be a man only a fool would leave - Regain her respect - Build attraction - Fulfill her emotional needs (when given the opportunity) - Detaching is not withdrawing - Tears may come from guilt and not true love - Do not fuel her fire - Dealt some lousy cards? Play them well! - Keep the road paved home smooth - Validate her feelings - Happiness comes from within - Anger is your enemy - Made a mistake? Move on - Show that your interested in her, but don't need her
Last edited by PatientMan; 12/03/1406:28 PM.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
