You convey a real calmness and peace in the way you talk about how your approaching all of this and its to be admired. It definitely sounds like you are feeling good in yourself and that is one of the most important steps.
I get the impression that your GA experience has given you a lot of the tools you need for this.
Is your house on the market at the moment? and have you thought through what you will be doing when it sells?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
gg I look forward to the lack of stress. Perhaps it's losing the 15 stone wart that releases it Lol
Jim I have a drain in my jaw and a bad headache. But the dentist gave me pain killers yesterday. I think they are too strong because I was flying and then knocked out. Headache is probably dehydration so I have hit the tomato juice in a big way, as it restores electrolytes. However I no longer want to pull all my teeth out myself immediately. The teeth are still there!
Thank you for saying but I still have very difficult days. Thank goodness there is this board. Often writing things in black and white releases the emotions for me. Just the fact that what I say won't be judged and there is understanding, empathy and the occasional 2x4.
Jim, as usual you have identified one of my sources of strength. GAanon like this board comprises two elements, the fellowship (board members) and the 12 step program (DB). One can't do one without the other. They can't be diluted or changed as they work together.
I keep writing about 12 step but not explaining my view of it. It will apply to the compulsive (WAS) as well as the effected (LBS). The only 12 step program I know which is combined is the codependency program. The steps are: 1. Acceptance- there is a problem and I can not resolve it alone 2. Hope- the problem can be resolved but only by a power great than me 3. Faith- I am ready for the resolution 4. Honesty- I have identified what my defects of character are 5. Courage- I have admitted my faults to someone else 6. Willingness- I am willing to have my faults removed 7. Humility- I want to have these removed 8. Sincerity- list those that i have harmed and be willing to make amends 9. Action- make amends whenever possible 10. Vigilance- continue to check 11. Spituality- continue to grow and ask for improvement 12. Sharing- take the message to others
Steps 1-3 are about preparing to recovery Steps 4-9 are recovery Steps 10-12 are recovered and maintaining
H is included in the list to make amends to. That's hard, H is a gambler, smoker, drinker and abuser but I have to make amends? That is why I was stuck at step 8, for a long time. But I get it, I really get it. This isn't about H, it is about me. Now I am in the middle of step 9.
Woolworths not longer exists so I can't return the sweets I stole, instead I am putting sweets in the Tesco Aid basket. I can't unsay the mean girl things at age 15 as I can't remember who I said them too but I can replace each mean girl word with a better one by 10. I can't undo the selfish acts I did at work but I have emailed apologies where I can. I once took a week off work when I wasn't ill so I sent a cheque plus interest, which the company acknowledged and donated to charity.
So what about H? Well there is the screaming banshee to be atoned for. I also threw away some cigarettes which I have replaced. I replaced something I broke in temper. I am still thinking about the carousel, and what would be appropriate. I disappeared into my own concerns without recognising how difficult it was for H to recover from gambling. I put on weight when H prefers his women slim and didn't care about his feelings in this. I didn't set boundaries for myself which leaves H uncertain as to which behaviours would cause difficulties. None of this excuses H own behaviour (Sandi2) nor does this mean H is not on his own destructive path (MrBond), but it means by my choices I can only improve my interactions. I see the 12 steps and DB in concert, they do not conflict. Some of the other programs conflict with my core beliefs that is why I chose this one.
I have been lucky to learn from the fellowship here and follow the growth of the fellows on this site. There is so much to learn, and who knows I may be lucky enough to piece my M with a more settled H. I am here for a long time. Regards Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/02/1402:04 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I didn't answer your question about the house. This house is a big house, too big for one. I own a smaller house in the same village which I purchased as an investment. It is partly renovated (needs a new roof). It is currently rented and mortgaged. I will pay down the mortgage and move it to it and finish renovating.
As for H where will he go?
There is no urgent rush to decide but in a brief discussion H said he would rent somewhere in his old area and near a friend who may or may not be OW. I am neither helping nor hindering in this regard. What is clear is I have agreed a cash sum with H and he has given up all rights in my assets. Cash sum is available when the house is sold.
I am GAL but I need to reclaim my own space and I have decided that this will happen in the weeks to Christmas. I will not be resigned to a laundry room and being out of the house.
Please note it is Spirituality not Spituality!
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/02/1402:19 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
catching up on your thread after you kindly popped by mine. Your sich is a lot more difficult than mine in a lot of ways but you seems to be doing so well, keep that strength.
As you know I moved into another place recently and W with S moved back into the apartment we rented/she rents from her mother. I'm still struggling with the empty chair syndrome in the evening but I can say I feel less haunted now Im in another place and the freedom I had to arrange the place by myself and for just S and I (when he visits) has been theraputic, given the other house is yours you can really go to town with decoration as well so get to those Next catalogues (or are you more an M & S Style and Decor person
I'll comment on your posts on my thread over there so I dont derail here but keep going and I know where you're coming from on the teeth, 17 years ago I had to have almost all my lower back teeth taken out due to absessing (caused by diving face first - unintentionally - into a swimming pool floor, yes there was water in there ) the pain was horrific as you say, it was no fun getting used to the bridgework but so much less painful that the alternative, you'll get through it as I hope we all will in our various sichs.
Hang on in there
Ed
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Had a really good gam anon tonight, a good turnout and two new neophytes both in distress. Plenty to talk about. There is a really good phamhlet called Games Gamblers Play, and tonight we covered the Blame Game. I was smiling to myself as I felt the word gamble could be replaced with A.
Next week we have a joint meeting with the GA group and they have asked me to co chair! The GA leader thought my rather 'fresh' views might be stimulating. I have decided to tackle Trust, that should be interesting and challenging. My view is that Trust isn't neccessary in every area of a R, one can love and support without Trust. In this case of course we are in the area of money used for gambling. The gambler needs to be completely open about their finances and debt. Honesty is essential for Trust. I will need to work on this but I have materials from GAanon that I can use.
Calm tonight, H was in bed when I got back. H did a nice thing, my drain fell out and he drove me to the dentist! And waited without complaint whilst it was fixed. H also went into the office and fixed the photocopier, he ordered toner! I thanked him for both, did not act surprised and acted as if this was completely normal.
My suspicious mind says what's going on but I left it at that, will not mind read. If H has a guilty moment then that is progress, I don't want him to be paralysed by shame.
Hey Dawn great GAL and interactions with your H. A sleepy Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/02/1411:47 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla on the taking time off while not sick, that's a fine line sometimes we do need mental health time.
I did take a day sick/personal leave as its called here. You can take it for urgent matters like funerals and the like. It was for seeing a L. My reason was personal as I didn't want to explain why i needed a leave day so quickly it was easy to say sick and leave it.
As for making amends I have in my own way been doing that but h sees it as weakness and had been blowing sand in my face and smoke up my behind it was seen as pursuit.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Making amends to H is a private matter. In general he does not know. The cigarettes left in his car.His washing done or a meal cooked. A birthday card purchased for a family member. Small considerate acts and a more than generous financial agreement.
This is not in my mind persuit, it is the opposite of persuit, it is beginning of closure of eliminating resentment. I am unable to forgive or forget, this isn't sensible with a compulsive. It is the resentment that eats away at the spirit.
How H interprets what I do is his concern and this recovery is not weakness it is strength.
gg this is how we free ourselves from the binds of the past, so that the sand falls to the ground and the smoke dissipates. By this way no buttons can be pressed as the buttons go, as we know within our hearts the balance is restored. The recompense matches the harm, an exact rectitude. What is done is not persuit but freedom from the need to persue. An elimination of it, an unspoken closure. It is recompense by action not cheap words and it makes us stronger. gg you are not perusing but creating freedom in the present, a freedom from the past. H is mistaken if he considers this persuit.
The drain fell out from my jaw overnight and it is truly awful this morning. I guess that's another dental trip today. It's Orange Wednesday so 2 for 1, a girlfriend and I are going to see Paddington tonight. That will be fun and a pizza. Larks today Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/03/1407:08 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
