Wonka - I had understood this the day of the DB. I've never defended my criticism of my W or Ds. If you read carefully my posts, I explain that these are not things I'm proud of, that these are things I'm working on, that I'm discussing with IC, reading about, etc. Now, if you want to point me at specific places where I said that criticism was a good way to create change in anyone, I might review my position and understand why you were, apparently, voluntarily hurtful to me. On the other hand, I can point you to a post 12 days ago where I made the exact same points I had to make tonight.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks a lot sandi2 for checking in on me. It's really appreciated. I decided to leave the boards for a while because it had gotten counterproductive, but I came back to follow the sitches of a few people.
I've had a fairly good week, probably my best since the beginning of the sitch. I had better PMA and more perspective, especially in the first half. I had some kind of relapse in the last few days, but the average is getting better.
When I picked up the kids on Friday, D6 came with her usual load of «good news» from W's household. This time, I learnt that OM will be moving in with W by January. That's 4.5 months after they first met, so about 2-3 months into their relationship. If this is really an A that will blow up, then they might as well experience the daily routine ASAP, right?
My W keeps on emailing me random stuff during the week: stuff she wrote online for work, an article related to my work, don't throw away kids' clothes, a sexist ad, etc. I've chosen to engage with her -- you might recall that one of my issues in the couple was being unresponsive, distant -- and these emails turn into exchanges with different topics. For the first time of my sitch, I've even initiated a communication: a pic of the funny-looking rental car I got, because we had talked about it. I got an OK response, but had no expectations and no intention of making it a habit.
Of course, the dilemma is that she's very much in an R with OM. Some might think I should go dark, limit communications to kids' stuff. For now, I've decided to remain a positive presence in her life, and I don't see how my silence on such mundane exchanges would help to bring her back.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm glad you're back and doing well Mozz. I like that you're communicating with W positively, DB is about doing what works first and for most. As long as you're friendly and avoid R talk it can only be good. Not to mention will add extra strain on your W and OM's R if she is regularly and positively communicating with you, jealousy is a bitch
Me 28 W 27 T 10 M 2 No kids (fertility issues - mine) Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed W moved out 9/15/14 W dating OM 11/22/14
Smart man for taking some time off. I do want to say that I totally agree with you (and I would bet there are some silent others) in regards to this....
Quote:
Thanks for your response. As I wrote, I'm sure your intentions are good. Also, I don't mind the differences of opinion, otherwise I wouldn't be here or speaking to anybody, content that I'd be with my own opinion.
I wrote "The way you express your opinion is hurting me." The content is not hurtful. You've asked for examples. I won't repeat the one from about a week ago where you suggested that my W thought I was a loser and thank g*d she had OM. This is very hurtful and can be conveyed much more gently. If I don't agree with you, it is no reason to resort to such lengths.
Michelle also agrees that if you have a therapist you should feel comfortable with them. I would say that would also mean people on her site that are trying to help you.
I don't believe you felt heard and I do believe you felt hurt. I can certainly understand why and I was thinking the same things you were. So you are not alone in how you felt.
Michelle says..
Quote:
You should feel as if your therapist respects you and that your thoughts and feelings are being acknowledged.
(I didn't see your feelings and thoughts acknowledged)
Michelle also says.... You Are the Experts, You Set the Goals.
You must determine what you hope will happen as a result fo seeking therapy, not you therapist.
Michelle says this: The reason I am emphasizing that YOU must identify what you want to change is that some therapists will make that determination for you if you don't.
She goes on to say... Sometimes therapists suggest that you should change something that you don't find problematic. Other times therapists suggest that what you consider the real root of your problem requires focusing on something you find extraneous irrelevant or UNCOMFORTABLE. If something doesn't feel right to you, it isn't. Discuss your feelings immediately with your therapist and, if you don't feels understood, get yourself another therapist.
Michelle also says (all of her quotes in bold)(all in DB book)..
Therapy Needn't Be Very Painful
She goes on to say... Another reason traditional therapy can be uncomfortable is that a trademark of many of these approaches is confrontation. The therapist BOLDLY confronts clients about behavior considered self-destructive or unproductive. Sometimes these attacks occur BEFORE a person is willing to deal with an issue or are totally inconsistent with a person's self-concept. Naturally, this harsh and dissonant feedback is disturbing and, in my experience, rarely effective in helping a person change. Typically, one digs one's heels in deeper when feeling attacked.
She also says... confrontation is NOT necessary during the therapy. Most people take the initiative to address issues and concerns they are willing to change. If they don't raise certain issues, it's because they are not willing or ready to deal with them. Therapists should RESPECT people's intuitive sense of direction and self-protection and follow their client's lead.
Mozza, I would have felt the same things you felt. I just wanted you to know that you were not alone. Remember, the vets are not always correct and it is ok to question them just as Michelle says it is ok to question any therapists methods.
W random email of the day: a promotional video of her workplace where she appears. OM also appears, though not in the same scene...
(Reminder: They met at her new job in August. 3-4 weeks later, she left me and a few weeks later, announced that she was with him. He's moving in with her in January but already lives there almost full time.)
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
