New to DB - Need Help! - Pt 3

[NH115]

Working on that. I made it clear to her today that OM talk is off limits. My next post here later today will be a rundown of my GAL activities.

[Vanilla]

And your GAL plans?

With the kids too?



Vanilla

[indigo1]

Assuming you're showing your W positive change in yourself and putting in the hard work to the point she can actually see and believe it, there will come a time that the OM must go. I don't mean just not talking about the OM or OM and her are just friends helping each other. That is all BS and will never work if you two stand a chance at saving this M. It took me awhile to build up the courage to make that stand. I knew when I could no longer live a lie. My sitch was a little different than yours, but the OM factor is still the same. At work and don't really have time to go into detail. Hang in there, we all know how hard this is.

[NH115]

I don't believe for a second that the OM and our marriage are compatible. I know that now is not the time to push for that. She knows where I and our C stand on him. I'm going to need to build a positive track record with her first before I can push harder for NC. I have the advantage of time and distance since they can't just see each other at the drop of a hat. I'm giving her space and time to work this out right now.

[NH115]

Since Vanilla is going to ride me like Zorro until I stop talking about OM and start talking about GAL, here's what I've done so far today. I'm working on making my posts more about Rzr and less about W or OM.

Worked this morning. Not my idea of fun, but had a project to finish. Since I'll be out part of Monday for MC, this takes some stress off.

D10 was hassling W about decorating the Christmas tree. W was tired after we finished painting the bedroom wall. After I got back from running (4 miles at 8:20/mile, not too shabby), I grabbed D10 and we strung the lights on the tree ourselves.

I'm going to sneak off to a coffee shop later this afternoon to work on a project. Namely, finishing Codependent No More.

Working on scheduling a night cross-country flight with one of my students, if the weather will ever cooperate.

Really going to hit some of my work projects hard this week. I'm shooting for a promotion by March 2015. That is, if one of my multiple job applications I have in with another company doesn't pan out by then.

I'm taking D10 and D15 for sushi next weekend.

I don't have any specific GAL plans yet for the holidays that are just me and the girls, but I'll be coming up with more, soon.

Is this better Vanilla? :-)

[Vanilla]

Much much better

PMA

Vanilla

[NH115]

That's my goal this week. To not obsess over He Who Shall Not Be Named any more than necessary. This is MY week!

[Okabe]

The OM is Voldemort? That is disturbing.
A perspective that sandi2 gave me (while more unique to my sitch perhaps) is this: She no longer sees you as her H, lover, boyfriend, etc. If you detach, GAL, and work on yourself maybe she'll see you that way again. And while your sitch is different than mine, it (while harsh and something I didn't like hearing) helped me to think about me detaching in a new way. It forces me to try to see her differently (think beginner's mind) and not stay in the clinging mode. Maybe that perspective will help you in thinking about detaching and GAL as well. It is not easy I know.
Best of luck.

[NH115]

It does feel like she's under the control of some sorcery :-)

I have gained a much broader perspective on my life and on my M in the last couple of months. I find problems are a lot easier to handle when I look down on them from the air rather than facing them at ground level (or from a hole).

My reading on codependency has really resonated with me. I realize now how codependent we both are on each other. I've lost a lot of fear of not only losing her, but life challenges in general, in the last few months. That can only be a good development, regardless of how my M turns out.

[NH115]

Been so busy today, hardly had time to look at DB. Time for a little journaling.

MC session today. W seems to be enjoying the sessions, felt good afterwards. She talked a lot about my changes and she notices how much closer she feels to me right now. Still says she's afraid she won't regain her sexual attraction. C told her that sexual attraction often comes back after the emotional connection gets reestablished. She's still afraid to recommit fully and then have me slide back into old habit patterns. That's not an unreasonable concern. C said that it would take about 3 - 6 months before W could reliably know if my new approach to life is permanent. No mention of OM by me, her or the C during the session.

MC homework for the week is to go out on a date. I'm making an exception to the 37 rules for this one, since the C recommended it. I'm going to give W her choice of evenings, but I'm handling everything else. More alpha male/leadership stuff in action.

W has noticed my detachment. Before I headed off to Panera to "work" last night, she said she felt like I was avoiding her. I just smiled and said that there was just a lot that I needed to get caught up on, which is true. Just keeping it upbeat.

Codependent No More is resonating so loudly with me. It's amazing how much comfort I'm finding reading these books and especially spending time on this forum. I feel like I'll be ready for anything that happens thanks to what I'm learning.

More GAL activities.

I started working on my Flight Instructor continuing education course that I need to finish by end of January.

I've been in a purging mood. I want to simplify and declutter my life.

I officially withdrew from an online course I no longer needed to complete.

I've been giving away junk to Goodwill, putting things on eBay, etc. I'm accomplishing three things here. Simple GAL, decluttering the house, and, if necessary, cut down on the amount of stuff I'd need to pack in the event of an S.

I even pared down my Facebook friends list. Got rid of people that I had no actual relationship with, mainly. Kept the cute single women, though. Just in case :-)