I believe the CS conversation is almost over. Her birthday is tomorrow. My S picked her out a movie, my D picked her out a book, and I got her a hard drive with videos and photos on it (b/c she didn't take any of those). I received a tin of assorted popcorn in Dec on my birthday. So hopefully, she sees this as a deposit into the L Bank.
Read a great article... Feelings and Commitments Don't Mix by creative love.com. Good stuff.
Had a really good session yesterday with the IC. It was enlightening. He said I am in a category of less than 1% of the guys he sees, b/c of my outlook and disposition towards her. It was good to see some kind of measurement of my progress with him. He encouraged me to continue to focus on the process and not the outcome, to continue to not get angry, defensive or reactive with her. She is hurt just like me, be compassionate with her and with myself.
I hurt my back 4 days ago on deadlifts and today was the first time lifting again. It felt good. Lifting has really helped my mind and body. It definitely helps me sleep better too.
Now that the end is closing in. I am thinking of giving her a letter that I have written. I started it in November and have modified it probably 100 times. It talks a little about a lot of things, but is fairly neutral. Or at least I think it's neutral. Any thoughts?
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Hi M - funny, my IC said something similar to me. How it is unusual to work with someone who is doing so much work for themselves and moving forward such a way in such difficult circumstances. It's nice feedback to get....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You seem to be doing very well. Always good when our IC's see our progress.
"He encouraged me to continue to focus on the process and not the outcome"
I love this, one of the podcasts I've been listening to from another marriage saving site said that exact thing as well.
As far as the letter goes I think the answer would be no generally. Maybe a vet could chime in here, they may suggest you post the letter in order to offer better guidance. Is there a reason you want to give her the letter?
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Lost - Great question. Why do I want to give it to her? I'm not sure. Closure. The idea of closure. An attempt at taking her guard down, thinking there is closure. In the beginning when we started going down this path, I was a host of emotions, reactive behavior, defensive, etc. The letter is much more neutral, slightly compassionate, and comes from my heart. At least I think it is.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Thanks Lost. There is something great about this forum.
I think I will continue to wait on the letter. I had some more ideas last night about what to write. So I will revise it and wait until some, if not all, of the divorce tasks are finished. That way it can't be considered a bargaining chip, or coming from anywhere but from the heart.
Yesterday was my niece's (her sister's youngest daughter) birthday party, where they also were planning on celebrating my wife's birthday. I choose not to go b/c of what happened last time and the fact I didn't want to impact their day.
She picked up the kids from here (our house, I am staying and she moved out). It dawned on me while she was here... that she doesn't look me in the eye, she doesn't get into conversations about anything but the kids, she doesn't bring up conversations, she is very reactive.
I understand it is tough and I have very little understanding of how she is dealing with this or what she is going through or focusing on. Heard a great quote this AM. "Success is when hard work is met by opportunity." I believe I am working hard. So now I am trying to think about what an opportunity would look like, and "how can she" look past what we are doing to remember/feel what our love looked like or opening up to see me in a different light.
All this while realizing the divorce is inevitable. Unfortunately.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Had a pickup this afternoon at her apartment. The kids are such a great distraction, they get sooo excited to see me and I play right into it. Tickling them, hugging them, joking with them. Love those munchkins with every piece of me.
She thanked me for her birthday gifts, and even stated how one of the gifts was a good idea (it was an external hard drive with all of our pictures and movies on there from 2005 through last December). Hopefully she looks at some of the early ones.
BTW... She looked really good today.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Divorce signing is going to be this Friday. Closing on the house will be Saturday. I am also leaving to hike Mt Washington in the White Mountains Saturday right after closing.
To say this week isn't turning out to be a big one is a massive understatement.
We have a phone call this AM to go over outstanding actions. She was sighing and making noises at some of my responses (anytime I disagreed with her). I stopped, composed myself and said "Why are you angry with me?" Her reply was that she has a lot of animosity built up. I tried to open the door for her to tell me why. She didn't. And I replied "You are not very talkative today." This was an obvious error and does nothing to help me, I see that.
