My H blamed me for not addressing my mental health issues. He kept urging me to see a counselor, but didn't actually help me overcome the obstacles I felt in getting it (finding a good counselor, paying for it, child care issues).
I wish someone had advised him not to resent me for being ill and instructed him to be more proactive in getting me help. That would have been a very loving, strong thing for him to do.
That is also one of my H's complaints. He would often over the past few years tell me I was depressed, and was angry that I "didn't take care of myself." I think if he would have addressed it from a place of love instead of resentment I may have addressed my issue sooner. Instead I felt attacked and became defensive. Didn't do either of us any good.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
25yearsmic, Thanks for the input. Whether she's always been depressed: It's hard to tell sometimes, but I don't think so. She definitely went into a depression after she lost her mother (like one would expect) and a couple of years later after her best friend died. I noticed the biggest change in her a year ago, around the time she injured her shoulder. She said the problems were there long before that (which is true), but that's when I noticed (what I thought) a real change in her. She seemed more withdrawn, uncommunicative, less affectionate, and depressed. I would ask her about it and she would tell me nothing was wrong. So I chalked it up to be pain related to her injury. In regards to her injury. She had surgery in April and physical therapy after that. She has most (not all) of her range of movement back, but not all the strength. She was really good about her PT exercises, but hasn't been doing much for strength building lately. I don't know if she'd do counselling. Years ago when she was having some issues with her Dad I suggested it and she said : "what are they going to tell me that I haven't already thought of". I really think she needs to get out. Have friends besides online ones. Maybe this is naive on my part. I just wonder if she is depending on me for 80% of her social needs and resents me for not making her feel thrilled in that. I could be completely wrong in that, it was just a thought I had. I get what you are saying in the gender roles. You're right. I probably get more feedback than she would for doing the same thing. The "I'm stuck" message you got has been there for a long time. I feel like I've tried to encourage her to do things (anything at times) but always left it up to her. Who knows? Maybe I should have argued with her about it mote. I remember pointing out to her that she could have had an associates online degrees in the time she spent gaming (she used to put in 8-12 hours a day). I don't list the things I do to her or throw them back in her face. I just do them. And recently I've been doing the things she used to do. I don't know if this is because of schooling keeping her busy or preoccupied or why exactly. I have wondered if doing all these things have made her feel less competent or less like an adult. I think the classes are helping her feel good about herself (and she should, she is an excellent student). I think getting out and doing something social would hep. I will watch her to see if it does look like depression.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
25yearsmic, I missed a lot of what you wrote again (kindle doesn't scroll through the quote box) but I am on the regular computer now. About me listing all of the things I do in support and whether I think she's lazy. I didn't mind doing more things around the house and when she needed the extra help due to her shoulder (and even now for school) that's okay. BUT when the kids are on summer vacation and just hanging around the house and she is playing her online video game throughout the day and I come home from work to cook dinner and I have to clean for half an hour so I can start and I ask her what she did that day and she says "not much, played games, took a bath" then, yeah I get annoyed by that. I don't expect her to be a perfect housekeeper or anything like that, but to help would be nice. As far as doing the Scorecard you mentioned: You're right. I need to stop it. I am hurt, angry, sad, and scared right now. So I mentally lash out (I don't say these things to her) and list all that I do to try to justify myself as being a nice guy and her as fault too. I need to stop that. It's not productive and you're right in that she's probably got one one me just as bad or worse. Online gaming: She plays MMOPG's (Massive Multi Online Player Games: think World of Warcraft as the most popular example). She plays on her computer which is in the living room with a headset on. She now has er own computer gaming/ work station which is where she spends 80% of her day. It is in the living room so she is accessible to everyone while she does her school work or plays her games. She started about 7 or 8 years ago and got quite involved with them. At first it became a problem where she would easily log 12 hours a day on the computer (in the living room with a headset on) playing these games. I confronted her about how much she was playing a few times, but it had no real impact until my older son Who was 6 or 7 at the time felt like his mom cared for the game more than him. She then cut her playing back and would only play after the kids went to bed. I go to bed early (because I work really early) so she will be playing when I go to bed and will come in sometime between 12:30 and 3am (I get up for work at 3:30- 4 am). Now that the boys are older she will play during the day (when she's not in school) while the boys are busy playing their own games or watching tv. Do I feel like this has an impact on our relationship? Probably. To what extent I don't know. I gave up fighting her about it because I know it was a place she got some social time with adults. Her recovery for her shoulder is pretty good now post surgery and PT. She doesn't have full range of motion, full strength back, and it can get a little stiff, but otherwise she is doing well. I suppose, much like the Scorecard, the history is just that and I need to give it a rest. You are right in that I need to work on solution focused things now, rather than dwelling on the past. Why did I marry her? She is someone I enjoy spending time with. We laughed together and had fun together. She is a loyal, caring, compassionate person. I have more to write, but I have to go now as my younger son just woke up. Thank you for your perspectives. They have given me things to think about in regards to myself and how I approach our M.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Depression can also appear as laziness or a withdrawal from connecting with people in real life. The massive hours of online gaming and the lack of motivation to do chores or household tasks both seem to fit that...
How might your response to her be different if you looked at her like someone who was ill and hurting rather than someone who was lazy.
I'll tell you from my experience-- I was fairly high functioning but also felt very stuck and unable to motivate myself. .. and I hated myself so much.
A few more minutes to write: She is funny and clever. She is wildly intelligent and values learning. She is interested in the world. I really enjoy talking with her. What is she passionate about? Right now her schooling. I am really happy she is finally going. Her family. She always has been. The out doors. She loves camping. Especially with her dad where she grew up. She always has had that passion.
Depression. It is hard to tell with her. It maybe low level, but she is not one to wear her emotions close to the surface a lot. I will watch for it. She seems serious much of the time. Intently focused on her school work.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Claire7, Thank for the feedback. I probably would respond differently if she looked "stereotypically" depressed. And would urge her to get help. If I were to Do that now I don't know that she'd see herself as being or needing help. She has been motivating herself in regards to school and parenting. That is where most of her (non gaming) focus goes. I wouldn't exactly describe her as lazy because that is not quite it. She just defers doing a bunch of things to me and just stopped doing things she previously took care of. I will watch for depression and see it there is some way I can address it without getting into a R talk.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
I don't know your wife, obviously, but I can tell you that I did not look to most people "stereotypically" depressed. I got up, went to work every day, laughed and smiled. I did not look like the people on the AD meds commercial at all.
If anything, people thought I was too serious, or had a negative outlook, or was anti-social or shy, or got stressed easily.
My H was the only one who seemed to have a clue how troubled I really was... and he didn't even know the extent of it. And part of what made life so exhausting was hiding all that pain and all those dark thoughts.
There is no way to know if this is at all similar to what your wife is feeling or thinking, but I thought it might be helpful to hear another side of it.
Yes. Thank you. I will keep it in mind and see if there is a way I can bring it up.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Well I kind of mentioned depression today. I suggested that she try to set something to do with her other best friend whom she rarely sees or talks to anymore (her friend has 5 kids and 4 grandkids so she is often hard to get in touch with). She said basically that: she's too busy or too hard to get in touch with. I mentioned that you never know unless you try. I asked if things were weird at Thanksgiving with her Step-dad three with his new girlfriend and our friend there with his new girlfriend (her best friend who had passed husband). She said no, that it was fine. I mentioned that I wondered because I knew how she had (understandably) struggled with depression after her mother and (later) after her friend had passed and wondered if it was still affecting her now. She just said "I don't know". So that is where I left it.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
We had a nice Thanksgiving celebration with both of our families at our place. She helped get the living room looking nice and a little in the kitchen as well. I told her I appreciated it. She looked at me kind of funny and said thanks. I have been trying to do this more. To say something and appreciate something when she does something that I didn't expect. Everyone likes to be appreciated and it to ne noticed when you do something. I wasn't horrible about this before, but I wasn't great either.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
