Ganb8te 2 - WAH - lost in translation

[Ggrass]

Barrybaryn too.

Um the whole dreams thing I dream all sorts of crapola. I never ever dreamed about h except once many years I ago I dreamed he cheated it was real vivid and she was blonde!

Since bd omg the dreams lots of stuff most he was in bed, I was at his place or he was standing next to the bed.

[LisaB]

Hi Ganb8te, I wish I knew what advice to give you regarding the contact issue. It is so difficult. The advice you get on these boards can be a bit different than the advice in the books. Have you reread DB or DR to see if you can get any insights as to what you could do?

It's true that sometimes what seems like ages of no contact to you could seem like a blink of an eye to a confused WAS. Maybe suddenly he will snap out of it and come around, and maybe contacting him will interrupt his process. I have no idea.

I hope you have a great weekend GALing. The dinner sounds interesting, let us know how it goes?

Hugs, Lisa

[Little]

I'm in the same boat, Gan. No kids means no contact for the most part. He's receptive if I reach out, and we can even share a laugh or two, but I don't know if it's advisable to continually be the one to contact first.

It's so confusing, I feel you on that score.

[gan]

Thanks, Lisa. Oh, yes. I have gone back to DR many a time - particularly the bit on why nothing seems to be working. So much of the book is about what to do when there is contact; there's a lot less I what to do when there isn't.

I don't get guys. So I took myself out for a post-Diner en Blanc breakfast (yes, bacon is involved). I'm sitting at a breakfast bar overlooking the table of 2 guys. By the looks of their breakfasts they also went to Diner en Blanc ;-) Anyway, they have barely said 5 words to each other. What gives? Why go out for breakfast with your mates and not talk?

Last night was awesome - a really special evening. Particularly interesting was the walk back home along the street I described before. I had several exchanges with random people. One girl said I looked gorgeous. One guy said wow as he walked past. And one guy was just thoroughly confused by why I would be walking along said street wearing a long white dress, with flowers in my hair and carrying a beautiful white flower bouquet. He invited me to hang out with his group for the night. I said thanks but no.

By the way - everyone looked so smashing in all white, particularly the guys. I highly recommend you guys out there pick up some fitted white shirts, white pants and shoes. Your W is sure to turn and look!

[Little]

Roll those sleeves to your elbows, too!

[gan]

Oh, yes! Important detail there, Little. Thanks for the amendment. Guys take note!

[Old Dog]

Thanks, Lisa. Oh, yes. I have gone back to DR many a time - particularly the bit on why nothing seems to be working. So much of the book is about what to do when there is contact; there's a lot less I what to do when there isn't.

If it isn't working try something else. My DB coach said to me too many people put too great an emphasis on going dark: it's just one strategy.

And if there's minial contact to begin with, what's the difference? I had this problem as I work away from home. In fact still have it too some extent as I'm too fearful to phone home during the week. If I do phone, my wife's tone of voice sounds as though she thinks I'm being a nuisance.

See if you can spot the elementary mind reading mistake.

I don't get guys. So I took myself out for a post-Diner en Blanc breakfast (yes, bacon is involved). I'm sitting at a breakfast bar overlooking the table of 2 guys. By the looks of their breakfasts they also went to Diner en Blanc ;-) Anyway, they have barely said 5 words to each other. What gives? Why go out for breakfast with your mates and not talk?

Too early for footie chat and if bacon is involved, well ... gotta concentrate (and I'm a veggie).

Last night was awesome - a really special evening. Particularly interesting was the walk back home along the street I described before. I had several exchanges with random people. One girl said I looked gorgeous. One guy said wow as he walked past. And one guy was just thoroughly confused by why I would be walking along said street wearing a long white dress, with flowers in my hair and carrying a beautiful white flower bouquet. He invited me to hang out with his group for the night. I said thanks but no.

So glad you're looking good and feeling fine. Love it :-)

By the way - everyone looked so smashing in all white, particularly the guys. I highly recommend you guys out there pick up some fitted white shirts, white pants and shoes. Your W is sure to turn and look!

What about trousers? Are we allowed to wear trousers? I'd feel a little underdressed with thm.

And what about that hedge? I'm sure to be dragged through it backwards.

[gan]

If it isn't working try something else. My DB coach said to me too many people put too great an emphasis on going dark: it's just one strategy.

I guess I am dark because (1) he's not initiating contact and (2) I'm not too sure what I could do differently. Ideas very, very welcome.

I've tried:
- inviting him for a meet up because "I had some news" (that worked, if "working" is measured by his willingness to have contact with me. We met up, chatted for 30 minutes, then went separate ways. That was a month ago so that exchange didn't "work" to move him in my direction even though I was all PMA, there was no R talk and I ended it first. Talk was pretty serious, not fun…I'm not sure how to lighten the mood in a sensitive way given the circumstances)
- friendly text asking how he is (no response…that was probably just an annoying reminder that I exist)
- friendly text over a practical matter (no response, none required but a thanks would have been nice)

I could try a "I'm going for a walk [near his house], wanna come?" or a "Hey I've got tickets to X, wanna come?" But I think that would be a bit of a jump, and I'm not sure what X should be.

I've previously talked about writing a letter. Before BD, communication using the written word seemed to help H see things differently. Post BD (and before DB), I did send a couple of emails which did not o down well. My IC thinks I should write a letter but that idea didn't get much support around here.

Or I could just leave him be (current strategy). I think there is a risk though that another 6 months will pass without substantive contact and he'll file because we haven't had any substantive contact.

What about trousers? Are we allowed to wear trousers? I'd feel a little underdressed with thm.

Ah. I see there was some confusion stemming from differences in Australian English and English English. Pants = trousers…but I think you knew that Old Dog and were just pulling my leg. I'm just clarifying for those who speak American English ;-)

Hedge is definite concern…but laundry products are pretty good these days if you believe what you see on TV.

[LisaB]

Hi Ganb8te, I loved hearing your story about the dinner and the aftermath walking home. Note to self: wear white dress with flowers in my hair to get attention!

I hope someone has good advice regarding contacting your H. I just have no idea. My ex contacts me all the time, but then everyone tells me to pull back and go dark! haha.

I agree with you and Old Dog that what you are doing is not seeming to work and maybe it is time to try something new.

I'm sure I've read but what was a good aspect of your relationship when things were going well? Did you connect over serious things like current events and books? Did you enjoy eating and drinking together? Did you like to travel or go to hear music?

I'd think about that thing that really connected you the most and try to connect again over that.

For example, if my ex wasn't already talking to me often, I would probably try to reach out to him over food. Maybe suggesting trying a new place in town ("hey have you heard ... opened? shall we go check it out?") or maybe just telling him about something delicious I ate, maybe sending a photo of food I cooked, that sort of thing.

Another way to think about it - try to connect like you would with a distant friend. When I haven't talked to a friend in a while and they contact me and simply say "how are you" it is a little irritating. The onus is on me to come up with a reply topic. If they contact me and say "hey I was thinking of you because I finally saw the film you suggested to me" or "hey I was thinking about you because I found this amazing bacon restaurant and I know you love bacon..." then it is much easier and more natural to respond because there is already a topic.

Does this make sense?

We can maybe give more concrete ideas if you tell us what types of things you connected over?

So he didn't answer your last two messages... were they texts or emails? Maybe try a different medium? Call?

Anyone else have better ideas?

Hugs to you Ganb8te, you are amazing!
Lisa

[gan]

Hey, Lisa. Thanks for stopping by. Your ideas are always so appreciated. Methinks you are quite a creative person, no?

I'm sure I've read but what was a good aspect of your relationship when things were going well? Did you connect over serious things like current events and books? Did you enjoy eating and drinking together? Did you like to travel or go to hear music?

I've spent a couple of days pondering this. The trouble is, I am a glass half full/happiness comes from within kind of person. While this probably served us well a lot of the time, I also wonder if it meant I saw thinks through rose-tinted glasses. When we went to MC just pre-BD, the counselor basically said, WOW you guys seem to really be seeing things differently (in hindsight - she was validating H). So I guess I am now finding it difficult to know if we were really connecting over things. Don't get me wrong, I am not letting H re-write my experiences of the good times, I'm just questioning how he felt about them.

After H said he "wants more fun" the counselor asked when was the last time we had fun. I struggled to come up with something in the moment but went home and wrote down some things in my journal. At the beginning I wrote - not sure if I judge things as being fun/not fun (fulfilling/not fulfilling is probably more accurate). So here's what was on my list (at the risk of getting very personal):

- Camping (relaxation, nature)
- Going to music concerts/festivals
- Exploring Chiang Mai together (indulging in couples massages together, learning that H is an adventurous eater)
- Exploring Kyoto together (food experiences, temples, learning that H likes zen gardens)
- Bayou tour (nature, seeing BIL in his element)
- Business trip to our favorite town (H bought me this ridiculous, teeny bikini to celebrate the fact that I'd walked my a$$ off as part of a cooperate challenge event and my team came #1; I was embarrassed to wear it at the time, but so flattered that he thought I looked good in it)
- Picking out a new sex toy at an XXX store (lead to open honest communication about what we were doing well in the bedroom; unfortunately this was so close to BD I think it was already too little too late)
- Amazing food experiences at high end restaurants
- Making sushi feasts at home
- Making beer at home

So - travel, food, music, beer. Life does't look so bad through my rose-colored lenses.