Hi Maybell, thanks so much!! That is really a lovely way to think about it.
I don't mind if he is not perfect. I never saw him as perfect, I loved him for his faults. But I guess now I just see him as uninteresting and uninspiring and his faults are more glaring.
But I like how you put this and I think I will consider a different attitude when we do engage.
Lisa, I just caught up with your situation. I agree -- if you don't want to be in an open marriage, then it's time to remove yourself from the crazy web of relationships that he has woven for his own selfish needs. Let him call someone else to take him to the hospital. Now would be the time to go dark. If he wants you, he'll pursue you. And if he doesn't? Then count your lucky stars that you'll be done with a cheater and know that you deserve better, and will certainly find someone who will treat you with more respect.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hi Vanilla, thanks for the kind words! Wow! I look forward to hopefully getting sage advice from you. I enjoy reading your posts on HP's thread.
Ahoy, thanks for the feedback. I agree! I don't want to be a part of his army of women. I am attempting to remove myself, but I am finding it a bit challenging at the moment.
WAH has been contacting me regularly since I helped him with his illness this week. While I was caring for him I was friendly and helpful but I was also cold and distant. That doesn't make sense but maybe you know what I mean? After that I went "dark": I didn't contact him at all and only replied a bare minimum to his messages to maintain neighborly politeness.
Today he asked to have lunch together. I was feeling irritated about the OWs and was not really enthusiastic to see him. But I tried to remember to "do what works" and that in the past I had gotten bitter and angry and emotional when maybe I should have been open, calm and listened. I also want to encourage with positive reinforcement. (I think asking to spend time with me is better than spending time with OWs) So I went to meet him with no expectations.
It was fine, we laughed and joked more than we have in a while. He seemed very eager to connect, was polite. I'm moving next week and he offered again to help me with that. I think he has mentioned this 10 times or more in the past few days. I always say thanks but I am not very committal about it.
One thing that annoyed me was that he kept talking about a mutual female friend that I know he was interested in (from my spying a few months back). He was just mentioning some conversations they had but it makes me wonder if he is now pursuing her in addition to the other OWs..! I'm not sure if his slew of OWs are a way to avoid loneliness and replace our relationship, or if he is actually enjoying it and prefers them to being with me. I think it is probably a mix of the two.
I figured I'd give him a chance to impress me today and then go back to being dark. I'm not very impressed but I'm trying to put Maybell's advice into effect and just see him as a person.
I find it challenging to combine being dark with possibly staying open to him if he is trying to get closer. I haven't given any kind of boundary regarding the OWs (except that I don't want to hear about his dates). As far as he is concerned he is single and can do as he likes. I can't really think of something to say about my boundaries that won't start some kind of bad R talk. So I think I'll leave it and just be distant and dark. Anyway, someone once said on my thread that it is more mysterious not to say why you are going dark.
I hope you all had a great weekend with lots of fun GALing! Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
I guess I keep coming back to the same thing when I read your posts. Do you think your H gets at you're not happy that he's seeing OWs? That he is risking everything with you by doing this? I'm not so sure - especially as you keep participating in his cake eating by saying yes to his invitations. I think you gotta pull right back for a bit. (With the obvious disclaimer being that I am not a vet - but you know that!)
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I understand what you are saying. I agree that my H does not understand that I am not OK with him seeing OWs. He knows that I don't want to hear about it, but he doesn't think it's wrong. So he can enjoy me and have his OW fun at the same time. Not cool.
His demeanor and behavior have changed a lot in the past week. He has doubled his contact and requests to spend time together and do me favors. I don't know why and I don't want to mind read. I was rereading DR for a bit today. Maybe I am delusional but I think I am on the right path. I am maintaining distance, although it doesn't sound like it from my posts. I'm watching his next moves carefully and if he doesn't come closer or bring up an R talk soon I will pull way back. (not that I want an R talk)
Today I realized that when the BD first happened I mostly blamed myself for what had gone wrong in our relationship. I immediately saw my flaws and mistakes. I understood why he would want to leave. But I knew most of the flaws and mistakes were things I could change. And so I did.
Now after several months have passed I am a different person. Some of my flaws have been fixed. (I still have lots of flaws of course but not the ones that ruined our relationship) As the new improved person I cannot remember my old self. All I see is the terrific girl that H fell in love with years ago and I can't understand why he isn't rushing back.
But I forget that he still remembers and probably sees the bad things that made him leave in the first place. For all he knows the flaws and mistakes are still hiding there just waiting to come out. Maybe he sees the new me but wonders if I've really changed. I have no idea.
I need to have more patience. Not necessarily patience with him, but just patience to give it time.
I'll continue to focus on myself, be polite to him, friendly but not friends. Do what works, test and observe. And if things don't seem to improve soon, pull waaay back.
A H with little apparent real desire or appetite for love and connection, one who seems to treat OW like disposables.
Maybe H sees himself as a Hugh Hefner on a bunny ranch? With a range of different types at his disposal. This is less than meaningless as relationships go, seemingly transient. None of this is viable in the shortest term. These OW s are faceless and will not be sustained, as H moves on to the next faceless transient.
You love H, quite clearly and that is a powerful thing. Lisa, that love is of course a channel through you which you must hold for yourself. This H is lost in his desire to pleasure his soul. Vacuous and empty activity which shores his fragile damaged ego.
Lisa you are an intelligent, warm and witty wife and worth more than being included in his OW line up. You have value, goals and a firm future ahead of you. If you find it within yourself to grow and develop then you will be able to name your price with H. Set boundaries so that even the mere suggestion of infidelity would not cross H mind.
stand firm you are worth it
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Funny. I talked with my DB coach yesterday. She said 90% of us LBS's get to the point of being fed up. Feeling anywhere from indignant to angry. She used the phrase we are "tired of looking in a mirror which reflects back an unrealistic distorted negative image". And basically that its a good thing. In otherwords, first we spend some time to show our changes. Then if they're not interested we pull back and say "OK then, since you're not interested me and my changes will just go over here..."
So I think it's good that he sees your changes. I don't know how far to pull back, etc. I just know I've been reading your posts for months now and want you to take care of yourself. So do what works- FOR YOU. Live in a way that you're ok with. I want you to put as much into taking care of your own feelings. Ya know? If you're ok being around WAH, great. If its too painful, pull back. Not as a tactic, but to take care of yourself. Sounds like you have found a way to do that without punishing, etc, that is awesome and not easy. Good job.
I guess I'm personally at the point I have lost interest in my STBX. Not because of the pain she's caused, or how I happen to feel at the moment. Simply because she's showed herself to be someone I don't need in my life. Not as a W, not as a friend. Im still bein friendly, considerate, and being the person I think I ought to be, but I'm doing it for ME. So I can feel good about myself. And to make things civil for the kids.
I'm proud of your commitment. Just make sure you're living for you as much as possible. That way no matter what WAH does you'll be in a good spot. You already know this. Just wanted to root you on and wish you a happy holiday. Goodnight.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
